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leaders’ beliefs can catalyze self-fulfilling prophecies
“recognize the possible power and influence in (a) having a genuine interest and belief in the potential of their employees… and (b) engaging in actions that support others and communicate that belief… increasing others’ motivation and effort and helping them achieve that potential.”
see people as bloomers naturally,
takers frequently fail to engage in the types of supportive behaviors
grit: having passion and perseverance toward long-term goals. Her research shows that above and beyond intelligence and aptitude, gritty people—by virtue of their interest, focus, and drive—achieve higher performance. “Persistence is incredibly important,”
push people, make them stretch and do more than they think possible.
escalation of commitment to a losing course of action.
once people make an initial investment of time, energy, or resources, when it goes sour, they’re at risk for increasing their investment.
Sunk costs do have a small effect—decision makers are biased in favor of their previous investments—but three other factors are more powerful. One is anticipated regret:
The second is project completion:
most powerful factor is e...
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due to their susceptibility to ego threat, takers are more vulnerable to escalation of commitment than givers.
The givers, on the other hand, were primarily concerned about protecting other people and the organization, so they were more willing to admit their initial mistakes and de-escalate their commitment.
When people focus on others, as givers do naturally, they’re less likely to worry about egos and miniscule details; they look at the big picture and prioritize what matters most to others.
Givers focus more on the interpersonal and organizational consequences of their decisions, accepting a blow to their pride and reputations in the short term in order to make better choices in the long term.
takers often strive to be the smartest people in the room, givers are more receptive to expertise from others, even if it challenges their own beliefs.
givers don’t excel only at recognizing and developing talent; they’re also surprisingly good at moving on when their bets don’t work out.
Takers tend to worry that revealing weaknesses will compromise their dominance and authority. Givers are much more comfortable expressing vulnerability:
Expressing vulnerability in ways that are unrelated to competence may build prestige,
the more you talk, the more you think you’ve learned about the group. By talking like a taker and dominating the conversation, you believe you’ve actually come to know the people around you, even though they barely spoke.
It’s the givers, by virtue of their interest in getting to know us, who ask us the questions that enable us to experience the joy of learning from ourselves. And by giving us the floor, givers are actually learning about us and from us, which helps them figure out how to sell us things we already value.
But when I ask if you’re planning to vote, you don’t feel like I’m trying to influence you. It’s an innocent query, and instead of resisting my influence, you reflect on it.
“The art of advocacy is to lead you to my conclusion on your terms.
“in direct persuasion, the audience is constantly aware of the fact that they have been persuaded by another. Where self-persuasion occurs, people are convinced that the motivation for change has come from within.”
Whereas powerful communication might be effective in a one-shot job interview, in a team or a service relationship, it loses the respect and admiration of others.
when team members were passive followers, the powerful speakers did just fine.
advice seeking is a surprisingly effective strategy for exercising influence when we lack authority.
Takers may fear that seeking advice might make them look weak, dependent, or incompetent.
advice seeking has four benefits: learning, perspective taking, commitment, and flattery.
When we ask people for advice, we grant them prestige, showing that we respect and admire their insights and expertise.
When presenting, givers make it clear that they’re expressing vulnerability not only to earn prestige but also to make a genuine connection with the audience. When selling, givers ask questions in a way that conveys the desire to help customers, not take advantage of them. When persuading and negotiating, givers speak tentatively and seek advice because they truly value the ideas and viewpoints of others.
If people give too much time, they end up making sacrifices for their collaborators and network ties, at the expense of their own energy. If people give away too much credit and engage in too much powerless communication, it’s all too easy for them to become pushovers
being willing to give more than you receive, but still keeping your own interests in sight,
help with no strings attached; they’re just careful not to overextend themselves along the way.
remarkable principle of giver burnout: it has less to do with the amount of giving and more with the amount of feedback about the impact of that giving.
Givers don’t burn out when they devote too much time and energy to giving. They burn out when they’re working with people in need but are unable to help effectively.
It was because she didn’t feel her giving was making a difference.
“the change of context brought renewed energy.”
Happiness increased when people performed all five giving acts in a single day, rather than doing one a day.
than one hundred hours. This is the 100-hour rule of volunteering. It appears to be the range where giving is maximally energizing and minimally draining. A hundred hours a year breaks down to just two hours a week.
giving has an energizing effect only if it’s an enjoyable, meaningful choice rather than undertaken out of duty and obligation.
Selfless givers are determined to be in the helper role, so they’re reluctant to burden or inconvenience others.
otherish givers seek help, which enables them to marshal the advice, assistance, and resources necessary to maintain their motivation and energy.
when they started to feel exhausted, they invested their limited energy in helping their colleagues. Intuitively, they recognized that giving would strengthen their relationships and build support
you spend the money on yourself, your happiness doesn’t change. But if you spend the money on others, you actually report becoming significantly happier. This is otherish giving: you get to choose who you help, and it benefits you by improving your mood.
It seems that giving adds meaning to our lives, distracts us from our own problems, and helps us feel valued by others.
Trust is one reason that givers are so susceptible to the doormat effect: they tend to see the best in everyone, so they operate on the mistaken assumption that everyone is trustworthy.
We tend to stereotype agreeable people as givers, and disagreeable people as takers.
Once givers start to use their skills in sincerity screening to identify potential takers, they know when to put up their guard.
when we empathize at the bargaining table, focusing on our counterparts’ emotions and feelings puts us at risk of giving away too much.* But when we engage in perspective taking, considering our counterparts’ thoughts and interests, we’re more likely to find ways to make deals that satisfy our counterparts without sacrificing our own interests.
