Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success

by Adam M. Grant

So if I tell you to go out and vote, you might resist. But when I ask if you’re planning to vote, you don’t feel like I’m trying to influence you.

New research shows that advice seeking is a surprisingly effective strategy for exercising influence when we lack authority.

Appearing vulnerable doesn’t bother givers, who worry far less about protecting their egos and projecting certainty. When givers ask for advice, it’s because they’re genuinely interested in learning from others. Matchers hold back on advice seeking for a different reason: they might owe something in return.

When we ask for advice, in order to give us a recommendation, advisers have to look at the problem or dilemma from our point of view.

Once the department head proposed this solution, the third benefit of advice seeking kicked in: commitment.

When we give our time, energy, knowledge, or resources to help others, we strive to maintain a belief that they’re worthy and deserving of our help.

appeal to “their pride and vanity by constantly seeking their opinion and advice, and they will admire you for your judgment and wisdom.”

advice seeking only works if it’s genuine.

Selfless giving is a form of pathological altruism, which is defined by researcher Barbara Oakley as “an unhealthy focus on others to the detriment of one’s own needs,”

Strong evidence reveals that burned-out employees are at heightened risk for depression, physical fatigue, sleep disruptions, impaired immune systems, alcohol abuse, and even cardiovascular disease.

“The greatest untapped source of motivation,” writes Susan Dominus, “is a sense of service to others.”

The turnaround highlights a remarkable principle of giver burnout: it has less to do with the amount of giving and more with the amount of feedback about the impact of that giving.

Givers don’t burn out when they devote too much time and energy to giving. They burn out when they’re working with people in need but are unable to help effectively.

Along with reducing burnout among givers, a firsthand connection to impact can tilt people of all reciprocity styles in the giver direction. When people know how their work makes a difference, they feel energized to contribute more.

By shifting her giving to a novel domain, she was able to recharge her energy.

when people give continually without concern for their own well-being, they’re at risk for poor mental and physical health.*

100-hour rule of volunteering. It appears to be the range where giving is maximally energizing and minimally draining.

a lack of social support is linked to burnout.”

“One of the most striking aspects of the human stress response is the tendency to affiliate—that is, to come together in groups to provide and receive joint protection in threatening times.”

Otherish givers build up a support network that they can access for help when they need it. This, along with chunking giving so that it’s energizing, is what makes otherish givers less vulnerable to burnout than selfless givers.

Huntsman believes that being a giver actually made him rich.

people who give more go on to earn more.

If you spend the money on yourself, your happiness doesn’t change. But if you spend the money on others, you actually report becoming significantly happier.

giving adds meaning to our lives, distracts us from our own problems, and helps us feel valued by others.

These energizing effects help to explain why otherish givers are fortified against burnout: through giving, they build up reserves of happiness and meaning that takers and matchers are less able to access.

“Whether you’re nice or not nice is separate from whether you’re self-focused or other-focused. They’re independent, not opposites.”

givers are more accurate judges of others than matchers and takers.

how givers avoid getting burned: they become matchers in their exchanges with takers.

Wait long enough, and people will surprise and impress you.”

Babcock discovered a dramatic difference between men and women in the willingness to ask for more money.

But when givers are advocating for someone else, pushing is closely aligned with their values of protecting and promoting the interests of others: givers can chalk it up to caring.

Instead of just giving away value like selfless givers, otherish givers create value first.

Instead of doing all of the giving himself, he was able to connect junior analysts with multiple mentors, who provided a broader base of knowledge and advice.

she adapted her behavior to invest in those on whom she could have the greatest influence and encouraged them to give as well.

Common ground is a major influence on giving behaviors.

In comparison with an economic transaction, a gift is value-laden.

People are motivated to give to others when they identify as part of a common community.

we seem to prefer people, places, and things that remind us of ourselves.

It was not just any commonality that drove people to act like givers. It was an uncommon commonality.

developed an influential theory. On the one hand, we want to fit in: we strive for connection, cohesiveness, community, belonging, inclusion, and affiliation with others. On the other hand, we want to stand out: we search for uniqueness, differentiation, and individuality.

Brewer calls it the principle of optimal distinctiveness: we look for ways to fit in and stand out.

People often take because they don’t realize that they’re deviating from the norm. In these situations, showing them the norm is often enough to motivate them to give—

Why do we underestimate the number of people who are willing to give? According to Flynn and Bohns, when we try to predict others’ reactions, we focus on the costs of saying yes, overlooking the costs of saying no.

Influence is far more powerful in the opposite direction: change people’s behaviors first, and their attitudes often follow.

The more intelligent you are, the more you help your counterpart succeed.

“Focus attention and energy on making a difference in the lives of others, and success might follow as a by-product.”

In the mind of a giver, the definition of success itself takes on a distinctive meaning.

characterizing success as individual achievements that have a positive impact on others.

they get to the top without cutting others down, finding ways of expanding the pie that benefit themselves and the people around them.

As Simon Sinek writes, “Givers advance the world. Takers advance themselves and hold the world back.”