You Know What You Did

by K.T. Nguyen

Dedicated to mothers, daughters, and the daughters who mother

Evil is unspectacular and always human, And shares our bed and eats at our own table. —W. H. Auden

“This says ‘Made in San Francisco,’ but locally brewed is so much better for us and for the environment. Do better, Mom.”

“I mean, if we don’t do something, Grandma’s ghost won’t be able to rest.”

dao bào.

But in that moment, she sees herself through the eyes of this stranger and likes what she sees. An image of perfection that can be derived only from newness and unfamiliarity, in the fleeting moments before flaws and anxieties reveal themselves.

“Ah, that’s bracing! The older I get, the more I understand you only live once. No time to sit around being scared of life, my dear,”

OCD swallowed up logic and reason, creating a void. In that void, the condition established its own world governed by exacting sets of rules. Following those rules and rituals gave her peace of mind. But with each day, the rituals—like her mother—demanded more and more of Annie.

It wasn’t homeschooling—it was a cult of two, and there was no doubt Mẹ was the leader.

Annie sits up straight, struck by a realization more alarming than any intruder. She must have imagined the noises, hatched them from her fears and anxieties. But did this make the sounds any less real?

Sometimes the truth is mundane.”

Indeed, there is strong evidence of a genetic component to OCD. It has also been documented that the incidence of mental illness—not just OCD, you understand, but depression, schizophrenia, stress disorders—is higher in refugee women.

“Hypervigilance is common in PTSD patients. The trauma of bombs raining down on your head, dodging bullets—these unseen wounds aren’t limited to soldiers.”

“The mother-daughter bond is one of the strongest in nature. When you’re young, it keeps you tethered, protected. Later the same ties can hold you back, strangle you,”

All those disgusting images cycling through your brain. You know what you did.

Controlling your own actions is all you can do when circumstances spin out.”

I don’t think you can really live, much less fall in love, without the potential of hurting someone. You have to accept that risk. Relationships are living beings that grow and change.

The bonds that once kept you tethered, safe. Later they can strangle you. That was how Dr. Patel described the ties between mothers and daughters.

It’s astounding what the brain can do to protect you from harm, especially when you have no control over what’s happening. Especially when you’ve been displaced by bloody wars you’re too young to understand.

Controlling your own actions is all you can do when circumstances spin out.

“Nobody’s all good or all evil. Hold the happy memories close to your heart—that’s how you keep the good part of him alive.”