Brain Rules for Baby: how to raise a smart and happy child from zero to five

by John Medina

Long 5-HTT: Stress resistance

The gene 5-HTT, a serotonin transporter gene, may partially explain the difference.

If you have the long form of this gene, you are in good shape. Your stress reactions, depending upon the severity and duration of the trauma, are in the “typical” range.

If you have the short form of this gene, your risk for negative reactions, such as depression and longer recovery times, in the face of trauma is high.

There really do appear to be children who are born stress-sensitive and children who are born stress-resistant.

Nurturing environments cast a large shadow over all of these chromosomes, a subject we will take up in the next chapter.

happy baby: soil brain rule Labeling emotions calms big feelings

Rachel, along with every other parent, can do some concrete things to increase the probability of raising a happy child

How Rachel responds to Tyler’s intense emotions profoundly matters to his future happiness. In fact, her response is one of the greatest predictors of how he will turn out as a young man.

parents who pay close attention to the emotional lives of their children, in a very particular manner, have the best shot at making them happy.

Attentive, patient interactivity actually helps your baby’s neural architecture develop in a positive way, tilting her toward emotional stability.

Attachment is more like slow-drying cement than quick-setting superglue.

Parents who consistently apply attention—especially in these early years—statistically raise the happiest kids.

Parents face many issues on a daily basis in the raising of kids, but not all of them affect how their children turn out. There is one that does. How you deal with the emotional lives of your children—your ability to detect, react to, promote, and provide instruction about emotional regulation—has the greatest predictive power over your baby’s future happiness.

Here are the six spices that go into this parental dry rub: a demanding but warm parenting style comfort with your own emotions tracking your child’s emotions verbalizing emotions running toward emotions two tons of empathy

Putting these dimensions in the form of a two-by-two grid creates four parenting styles that have been studied. Only one style produces happy children.

Authoritative: Just right Responsive plus demanding. The best of the lot. These parents are demanding, but they care a great deal about their kids. They explain their rules and encourage their children to state their reactions to them. They encourage high levels of independence, yet see that children comply with family values. These parents tend to have terrific communication skills with their children.

Your meta-emotion philosophy turns out to be very important to your children’s future. It predicts how you will react to their emotional lives, which in turn predicts how (or if) they learn to regulate their own emotions.

You have to be comfortable with your emotions in order to make your kids comfortable with theirs.

They kept track of their children’s emotions the way some people keep track of their stock portfolios or favorite baseball team. They did not pay attention in a controlling, insecure style but in a loving, unobtrusive way, like a caring family physician. They knew when their kids were happy, sad, fearful, or joyful, often without asking. They could read and interpret with astonishing accuracy their child’s verbal and nonverbal cues.

Moms and dads become so acquainted with their children’s psychological interiors, they become pros at forecasting probable reactions to almost any situation.

In the late 1980s, researchers were somewhat startled to find that when parents paid too much attention to their kids’ cues—responding to every gurgle, burp, and cough—the kids became less securely attached. Children (like anybody) didn’t take too well to being smothered.

Parents who resisted giving in to their inner helicopter helped create the most secure attachments.

“You seem sad. Are you sad?” is what the girl’s dad said. The little girl nodded, still angry, too. The dad continued. “I think I know why. You’re sad because Ally’s gotten all the presents. You only got one!” The little girl nodded again. “You want the same number and you can’t have it, and that’s unfair and that makes you sad.” The dad seemed to be pouring it on. “Whenever somebody gets something I want and I don’t, I get sad, too.” Silence. Then the dad said the line most characteristic of a verbalizing parent. “We have a word for that feeling, honey,” he said. “Do you want to know what that word is?” She whimpered, “OK.” He held her in his arms. “We call it being jealous. You wanted Ally’s presents, and you couldn’t have them. You were jealous.” She cried softly but was beginning to calm down. “Jealous,” she whispered. “Yep,” Dad replied, “and it’s an icky feeling.” “I been jealous all day,” she replied, nestling into her daddy’s big strong arms.

This big-hearted father is good at (a) labeling his feelings and (b) teaching his daughter to label hers.

Research shows that this labeling habit is a dominant behavior for all parents who raise happy children.

Verbalizing has a soothing effect on the nervous systems of children. (Adults, too.) Thus, the Brain Rule: Labeling emotions calms big feelings.

Parents who raise kids like my friend Doug, the valedictorian, have this type of courage in spades. They are fearless in the face of raging floods of emotions from their child. They don’t try to shoot down emotions, ignore them, or let them have free reign over the welfare of the family. Instead, these parents get involved in their kids’ strong feelings.

They have four attitudes toward emotions (yes, their meta-emotions): They do not judge emotions. They acknowledge the reflexive nature of emotions. They know that behavior is a choice, even though an emotion is not. They see a crisis as a teachable moment.

They know that behavior is a choice, even though an emotion is not

They have a list filled not with emotions that are approved and disapproved but actions that are.

Parents who raise the happiest kids constantly rummage through their offspring’s intense feelings looking for stray teachable moments.

Here’s what you are supposed to do instead: You acknowledge the child’s feelings and empathize. “You’re thirsty, aren’t you? Getting a big gulp of cold water would feel so good. I wish that drinking fountain was working so I could lift you up and let you drink as much as you wanted.”

In order for you to grow empathetic kids, practice empathy on a regular basis, with your friends, with your spouse, with your coworkers.

If 30 percent of your interactions with your child are empathetic, Gottman contends, you’ll raise a happy kid.

One parenting style is most likely to produce terrific kids: demanding and warm.

moral baby brain rule Firm discipline with a warm heart

“[W]e are born with a universal moral grammar,” says cognitive scientist Steven Pinker, “that forces us to analyze human action in terms of its moral structure …”

The fuse gets lit early, though, around 3 years of age, when kids begin to realize that parents can’t always read their minds. To their delight (or horror), children discover they can give their parents false information without it being detected. Or,

Theory of Mind develops over time

Theory of Mind, first coined by noted primatologist David Premack, has two general components. The first is the ability to discern someone else’s psychological state. The second is the realization that although these states may be different from your own, they are still valid for the person with whom you are interacting.

Kohlberg outlined a progressive process for moral development:

Avoiding punishment. Moral reasoning starts out at a fairly primitive level, focused mostly on avoiding punishment. Kohlberg calls this stage pre-conventional moral reasoning.

Considering consequences. As a child’s mind develops, she begins to consider the social consequences of her behaviors and starts to modify them accordingly. Kohl...

Acting on principle. Eventually, the child begins to base her behavioral choices on well-thought-out, objective moral principles, not just on avoidance of punishment or peer acceptance. Kohlberg calls this coveted stage post-conventional moral reaso...

Bandura calls this “observational learning.” He was able to show that kids (and adults) learn a lot by observing the behaviors of others.

Raising a moral child: Rules and discipline

The three legs are: Clear, consistent rules and rewards Swift punishment Rules that are explained

The chart produces an objective authority where the rule is (a) realistic, (b) clearly stated, and (c) visible to all.

Cringing with fear is an obvious sign that the kid does not feel safe at that moment and may not feel safe generally. Getting yelled at for something as innocent as accidently dropping books is consistent with the latter.