The Peacemaker

by Ken Sande

When someone mistreats or opposes us, our instinctive reaction is to justify ourselves and do everything we can to get our way. This selfish attitude usually leads to impulsive decisions that only make matters worse.

Focusing on God is the key to resolving conflict constructively. When we remember his mercy and draw on his strength, we invariably see things more clearly and respond to conflict more wisely.

These responses are used by people who are more interested in winning a conflict than in preserving a relationship.

Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.

Most importantly, the Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion to force our will on others, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the love and power of God in our lives.

The best way to glorify God in the midst of conflict is to depend on and draw attention to his grace, that is, the undeserved love, mercy, forgiveness, strength, and wisdom he gives to us through Jesus Christ.

Every time you encounter a conflict, you will inevitably show what you really think of God.

God may also use conflict to expose sinful attitudes and habits in your life. Conflict is especially effective in breaking down appearances and revealing stubborn pride, a bitter and unforgiving heart, or a critical tongue.

The four principles may be summarized in four basic questions, which we consider thoroughly in subsequent chapters: Glorify God: How can I please and honor God in this situation? Get the log out of your own eye: How can I show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my contribution to this conflict? Gently restore: How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution to this conflict? Go and be reconciled: How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage a reasonable solution to this conflict?

There are three dimensions to the peace that God offers to us through Christ: peace with God, peace with one another, and peace within ourselves.

One reason that Jesus and Paul trusted God so completely is that they knew he was in complete control of everything that happened in their lives. This perfect control is often referred to as “the sovereignty of God.” It would take an entire book to address the implications of God’s sovereignty, and even then many questions and mysteries would remain unanswered. Still, a fundamental understanding of this important doctrine is invaluable to anyone who wants to be a peacemaker.

If all we knew was that God is in control, we could have reason to fear. Indeed, if he used his power arbitrarily, sometimes for good and sometimes for evil, we would be in great danger. But this is not the case. God is good—his power is always wielded with perfect love. “One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving” (Ps. 62:11–12).

Trusting God proved to be the pattern in Paul’s life. Even when the Lord did not immediately relieve his sufferings, Paul continued to view everything that happened to him as God’s sovereign will (2 Cor. 4:7–18).

if you believe that God is sovereign and good, you will be able to trust him and obey him, even in the midst of difficult circumstances.

There are many conflicts that require a lot of time and effort to resolve. But there are far more that can be resolved simply by overlooking minor offenses or relinquishing rights for the sake of God’s kingdom. Therefore, before focusing on your rights, take a careful look at your responsibilities. Before you go to remove the speck from your brother’s eye, ask yourself, “Is this really worth fighting over?”

James 4:1–3 provides a key principle for understanding and resolving conflict. Whenever we have a serious dispute with others, we should always look carefully at our own hearts to see whether we are being controlled by unmet desires that we have turned into idols. These desires love to disguise themselves as things we need or deserve, or even as things that would advance God’s kingdom. But no matter how good or legitimate a desire may look on the surface, if we have gotten to the point where we cannot be content, fulfilled, or secure unless we have it, that desire has evolved into an idol that has diverted our love and trust from God. Fortunately, God delights to deliver us from our slavery to idols and enable us to find true freedom, fulfillment, and security in his love and provision. And as we break free from the desires that have fueled our conflicts, we can resolve seemingly hopeless disputes and become more effective peacemakers.

God’s grace, as revealed in the gospel of Christ, is the driving force behind peacemaking.

As we reflect on and rejoice in the gospel of Christ, two things happen. Our pride and defensiveness are stripped away, and we can let go of our illusion of self-righteousness, honestly examine ourselves, and find freedom from guilt and sin by admitting our wrongs.

To be a peacemaker, you need to deal honestly with your contribution to a conflict. As Paul told Timothy, “If a man cleanses himself from [sin], he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work” (2 Tim. 2:21). This cleansing process is inspired by Jesus’ promise that he has forgiven our sins and wants to purify us from the idols and habits that cause conflict (1 John 1:9). He calls us to cooperate in this process of repentance, self-examination, confession, and personal change. The more faithfully you draw on his grace and pursue these steps, the more useful you will be to him in making peace. At the same time, after you get the log out of your own eye, you will be better prepared to gently restore others.

The Bible teaches we should be concerned about the well-being of others regardless of whether they are Christians or non-Christians (Luke 10:25–37; Gal. 6:10). We are also commanded to “live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18). Therefore, most of the principles given above apply to conflicts with non-Christians. Of course, you should modify your approach somewhat, being sensitive to their perspectives and needs. Instead of referring to specific Bible verses, you may appeal to commonly held interests or values, such as preserving a marriage or maintaining a good reputation. (There will be more on this in chapter 11.) Even so, most of the principles described throughout this book will be applicable to resolving a conflict with a non-Christian. And in some cases, God will use your faithful efforts at peacemaking to help the other person come to faith in Christ.

If the abuser is a Christian, his church has a responsibility to confront his sin, promote genuine repentance and confession, support counseling, and require him to submit to necessary legal consequences. This involvement can and should be carried out in cooperation with actions that civil authorities must take to deal with the abuse.

Although it is often best simply to overlook the sins of others, there will be times when doing so only prolongs alienation and encourages them to continue acting in a hurtful manner. If you know that someone has something against you, go to that person and talk about it as soon as possible. Similarly, if someone’s sins are dishonoring God, damaging your relationship, hurting others, or hurting that person, one of the most loving and helpful things you can do is go and help him or her see the need for change. With God’s grace and the right words (including your own confession), such a conversation will often lead to restored peace and stronger relationships.

Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. Ephesians 4:15 Words play a key role in almost every conflict. When used properly, words promote understanding and encourage agreement. When misused, they usually aggravate conflicts and drive people further apart. If your words seem to do more harm than good when you try to resolve a disagreement, don’t give up. With God’s help you can improve your ability to communicate constructively.

As Christians, we cannot overlook the direct relationship between God’s forgiveness and our forgiveness: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32). “Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Col. 3:13b). God has given us an incredibly high standard to live up to when we have the opportunity to forgive someone.

forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgetting is a passive process in which a matter fades from memory merely with the passing of time. Forgiving is an active process; it involves a conscious choice and a deliberate course of action. To put it another way, when God says that he “remembers your sins no more” (Isa. 43:25), he is not saying that he cannot remember our sins. Rather, he is promising that he will not remember them. When he forgives us, he chooses not to mention, recount, or think about our sins ever again. Similarly, when we forgive, we must draw on God’s grace and consciously decide not to think or talk about what others have done to hurt us. This may require a lot of effort, especially when an offense is still fresh in mind. Fortunately, when we decide to forgive someone and stop dwelling on an offense, painful memories usually begin to fade.

By thought, word, and deed, you can demonstrate forgiveness and rebuild relationships with people who have offended you. No matter how painful the offense, with God’s help, you can make four promises and imitate the forgiveness and reconciliation that was demonstrated on the cross. By the grace of God, you can forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:4

Peacemaking does not always go as easily as we would like it to. Although some people will readily make peace, others will be stubborn and defensive and resist our efforts to be reconciled. Sometimes they will become even more antagonistic and find new ways to frustrate or mistreat us. Our natural reaction is to strike back at such people, or at least to stop doing anything good to them. As we have seen throughout this book, however, Jesus calls us to take a remarkably different course of action: “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. . . . Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:27–28, 35–36).

The principles described in Romans 12:14–21 are applicable at every stage of a conflict, and they are echoed throughout the Bible—“Love your neighbor as yourself.” “Do to others what you would have them do to you.” “Overlook an offense.” “If someone is caught in a sin, restore him gently.” “Speak the truth in love.” “Look out for the interests of others.” “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Applying these principles can be difficult, but it is always worth the effort, because God delights to work in and through us as we serve him as peacemakers. As Paul promises: “Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain” (1 Cor. 15:58).

As people reconciled to God by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we believe that we are called to respond to conflict in a way that is remarkably different from the way the world deals with conflict (Matt. 5:9; Luke 6:27–36; Gal. 5:19–26). We also believe that conflict provides opportunities to glorify God, serve other people, and grow to be like Christ (Rom. 8:28–29; 1 Cor. 10:31–11:1; James 1:2–4). Therefore, in response to God’s love and in reliance on his grace, we commit ourselves to responding to conflict according to the following principles. Glorify God Instead of focusing on our own desires or dwelling on what others may do, we will rejoice in the Lord and bring him praise by depending on his forgiveness, wisdom, power, and love as we seek to faithfully obey his commands and maintain a loving, merciful, and forgiving attitude (Ps. 37:1-6; Mark 11:25; John 14:15; Rom. 12:17–21; 1 Cor. 10:31; Phil. 4:2–9; Col. 3:1–4; James 3:17–18; 4:1–3; 1 Peter 2:12). Get the Log Out of Your Own Eye Instead of blaming others for a conflict or resisting correction, we will trust in God’s mercy and take responsibility for our own contribution to conflicts—confessing our sins to those we have wronged, asking God to help us change any attitudes and habits that lead to conflict, and seeking to repair any harm we have caused (Prov. 28:13; Matt. 7:3–5; Luke 19:8; Col. 3:5–14; 1 John 1:8–9). Gently Restore Instead of pretending that conflict doesn’t exist or talking about others...