The Peacemaker

by Ken Sande

“do you think you should pray to Jesus and ask him if it’s rightful anger?”

James 4:1–3:

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

Matthew 15:19: “Out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.” Our hearts are the wellsprings of all our thoughts, desires, words, and actions. Therefore, it is also the source of our conflicts (Luke 12:13–15).

The Progression of an Idol1

I Desire

Conflict always begins with some kind of desire.

As you talk, you may discover ways that both of you can grow and benefit each other. If you cannot make progress privately, it is reasonable to seek help from a pastor, trusted adviser, or mediator.

what if the other person persistently fails to satisfy your desire?

what if the other person is your spouse, a child, a longtime friend, or a member of your church? These relationships should not be easily forsaken, so when one of these people disappoints you, you will need to choose between two courses of action. On the one hand, you can trust God and seek your fulfillment in him

(Ps. 73:25).

You can ask him to help you to continue to grow and mature no matter what...

(James 1...

And you can continue to love the person who is blocking your desire, pray for God’s sanctifying work in his or her life, and wait for the Lord to o...

(1 John 4:19–21; Lu...

choose this course, God promises to bless you and, no matter what the other person does, to use your difficult situation to c...

(Rom. 8:2...

I Demand

When we see something as being essential to our fulfillment and well-being, it moves from being a desire to a demand. “I wish I could have this” evolves into “I must have this!” This is where trouble sets in. Even if the initial desire was not inherently wrong, it has grown so strong that it begins to control our thoughts and behavior. In biblical terms, it has become an idol.

it is something other than God that we set our heart on (Luke 12:29; 1 Cor. 10:19),

(1 Cor. 4:5),

(Ps. 119:133; Eph. 5:5), or that we trust, fear, or serve (Isa. 42...

12:...

(see Phil....

Martin Luther wrote, “To

whatever we look for any good thing and for refuge in every need, that is what is meant by ‘god.’ To have a god is nothing else than to trust and believe in him from the heart. . . . To whatever you give your heart and entrust your being, that, I say, is really your god.”

(2 Kings 17:41).

These are good desires, but if they turn into demands that must be met in order for us to be satisfied and fulfilled, they can lead to bitterness, resentment, or self-pity that can destroy a family, business, or church.

How can you discern when a good desire might be turning into a sinful demand?

“X-ray” questions that reveal the true conditio...

What am I preoccupied with? What is the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night? How would I answer the question: “If only ______, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure”? What do I want to preserve or to avoid at all costs? Where do I put my trust? What do I fear? When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depress...

we all struggle at times with these kinds of mixed motives; in a fallen world we will never have entirely pure hearts. But this is never an excuse to let selfish desires rule us,

How could I tell which motives were actually ruling my heart?

“The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love” (Ps. 103:8). As I drew on God’s grace, my actions would have been in line with the corrective guidelines found in Galatians 6:1: “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.”

2 Kings 17:41,

I Judge

but who are you to judge your neighbor?” Who are you when you judge? None other than a God wannabe.

James 3:15 and 4:7).

When we judge others and condemn them in our hearts for not meeting our desires,

we are imitating the devil

James 3:15...

Matt. 7:1–5; 18:15; Gal. 6:1).

think, If you really love me, you above all people will help meet my need.

Repentance Is More Than a Feeling

One evidence of sincere repentance is a willingness to thoroughly examine ourselves so that we can uncover both our mistakes and our sins. Mistakes are the result of errors in judgment rather than sin.

it is right to acknowledge and repair mistakes that have hurt others, we do not need to go through the same in-depth process that is needed to confess and correct our sins.

Because most of us do not like to admit that we have sinned, we tend to conceal, deny, or rationalize our wrongs.

First, ask God to help you see your sin clearly and repent of it, regardless of what others may do (Ps. 139:23–24). Then prayerfully study his Word and ask him to show you where your ways have not lined up with his ways (Heb. 4:12). Second, ask a spiritually mature friend to counsel and correct you (Prov. 12:15; 19:20). The older I get, the less I trust myself to be objective when I am involved in a conflict. Time after time I have been blessed by asking a friend to candidly critique my role in a conflict. I have not always liked what my friends have said, but as I have humbled myself and submitted to their correction, I have always seen things more clearly.

Grumbling and complaining irritates and discourages other people. It also takes our eyes off of the good things God and others do for us.

When others feel we are critical of them or ungrateful for what they do, it is only a matter of time before conflict breaks out