Another way of stating this is as follows: In a relationship that is not working well, two or more selves have been emotionally fused—an inherently painful state of affairs. For each partner, in short, there is a lack of intactness of the boundaries of the basic self. Self is too easily lost or taken on. In order to remedy this situation, a responsible stance must be taken; self boundaries must be defined. If one begins to work on differentiating a self, the other will eventually adjust by joining the first at the new, higher level of differentiation.
