Self-Care for the Self-Aware: A Guide for Highly Sensitive People, Empaths, Intuitives, and Healers

by Dave Markowitz

I was pretty convinced that what I’d been doing—what I’d been taught—was right, but something much bigger than the Dave part of me kept me searching for deeper meanings and understandings.

repressed fear, anger and grief could cause illness.

by getting in touch with and embracing the raw emotions that most of us were taught not to show—by moving energy actively or passively—healing can begin.

Dave’s new bevy of clients had three distinct commonalities: • they’d done a large amount of self-growth and healing work yet nothing had permanently shifted their pain or illness; • they had an overblown sense of responsibility; • and they were all empathic.

There was an addictive quality to being an emotional and energetic sponge.

“How many of you feel like the oddball in your family of origin?” That’s what I ask attendees at almost every lecture I’ve ever given, and whether it’s asked to a group of 20 or 2,000 attendees, about 90% raise their hand. And I think the other 10% are shy or can’t raise their hand because they have shoulder problems.

And these work to some degree, but they also can block us from receiving the good things as well. If you’ve been wondering: “Where is my soul mate? When will I experience abundance? What is my perfect job?” they’re likely just on the other side of the block you’ve placed in front of you!

Like driving with our feet on both the gas and the brakes, we desire this heart opening and other types of forward movement but are too often held back by fear or illness.

We don’t dare cry out the grief we’re already carrying because we fear it’ll open a floodgate and we’ll drown in a sea of sadness. This, ironically, can cause what some call “depression” —the repression of our own and others’ grief that we carry within us.

You’re about to see on a deeper level that if we take on and identify with another’s negative energy, we’re not helping ourselves (obviously), but we’re not helping the other person either.

In fact, even if our empathy is good intentioned, other people really don’t want us to carry their burdens for them. Would you want your child or friend to carry your burdens?

My readings showed three commonalities too obvious to ignore: these clients were empathic; they had an unrealistic sense of responsibility; and they were far along on their spiritual paths.

However, in

For example, diarrhea is often the body’s reaction to food toxicity or to emotional toxicity while eating. But it doesn’t feel good, so we take a pill to stop it from happening. Obviously, this keeps the toxicity within. A runny nose is often repressed grief trying to make its way out, and we take a pill to prevent that, too. A cough is often grief and/or throat chakra issues coming to the surface for healing, and a headache is often the end result of a chain reaction of tightened neck muscles that reduce the flow of blood, oxygen, and qi (energy) to the brain caused by mental, physical, or emotional distress. But instead of allowing the body to heal itself by detoxifying naturally, or dealing with the grief, or communicating our truth, or dealing with what’s stressing us, we take a pill.

After birth, we are still very connected to Source energy. Even though we haven’t yet mastered our visual acuity, our inner awareness now expands to beyond the internal environment of the womb. We believe that the people “over there” are a part of us—mother, father, siblings, aunts and uncles, doctors and nurses. At some level we “know” we can and therefore begin to heal those closest to us in any way we can. We don a “spiritual superhero cape” and get to work. We learn that our joyful actions lighten the room and that our sadness darkens it. So we utter nonsensical sounds, giggle, smile—anything to heal, or raise the vibration of those around us. The grooves of responsibility are formed very early on as we see that anything we do affects those closest to us. At the same time, our small selves are learning how to experience our own emotions. Unfortunately, our cries are sometimes met with even more fear, anger, and grief from those around us. We are often given a pacifier when we cry, which both teaches us that it’s not okay to express grief, and sets up patterns of oral satisfaction that later can become addictions used to temporarily quench fear and grief. Our anger, likewise, is thwarted in various—and ultimately unhealthy—ways.

We also want to be our own person, so the ego begins to form in an attempt to separate us from the individual and collective pain of others. Because that process is not supported, we develop our own fear, anger, and grief. None of these expressions are supported either, causing the ego and sense of separateness to become more and more developed.

Many of us began doing what others wanted us to do in order to be loved and perceived as “good.” This can manifest in “positive” or “negative” emulation to align with our caregiver(s) actions. For example, a child may become compassionate like his mother or stubborn like his father. Because the actions are in alignment with what the parent may say or do, the child is then called “good.” Being good may get us love and attention, but getting love because of what we do or don’t do is the very definition of conditional love, a very low vibration. This creates an unhealthy pattern that sets up all kinds of defeatist patterns for relationships later in life.

As children, especially, we wished others around us to be happy and well. So we danced, acted extra “silly,” and eventually told jokes, or used art, or good grades, or making dance or sports teams to get love from our caregivers or make them and others proud of us—to alleviate THEIR fear, anger, and grief!

whisper or scream words of encouragement and support rather than take on what’s not yours.

Remember that another’s grief is theirs, not yours. In fact, your benevolent intention has resulted in malevolent results.

The subconscious desire to heal one or both parents or caregivers becomes pervasive throughout life and expresses itself in a variety of ways. The overweight parents raise the son or daughter who wants to become a nutritionist or personal trainer. The narcissistic father raises the daughter who becomes a psychologist, social worker, or other form of counseling practitioner in order (subconsciously) to understand what makes him tick. The superficially inclined parent raises a child who wants to explore and go deeper, and who often becomes an academic or intuitive—a seeker of truth. The grief-stricken mother gives birth to the child who becomes an energy healer or a comedian.

As adult children, we often try to heal a parent, directly or indirectly, but it can’t be done.

No matter how successful we may be in any career, there is turmoil because it’s being done for the wrong reasons. This leads to fears of not doing/being enough. No matter how much good work we do in the world, the underlying impetus to become an effective healer or even successful businessperson can never be satisfied.

Weapons of “mass distraction” are plentiful and readily available.

our true need, which is for wholeness, connection, and self-acceptance—the

Our ego identification is with being a helper

No one really wants us to take on his or her problems, especially a parent. On a higher-self level, it is actually contrary to a parent’s karma to allow a child to take on the parent’s woes.

If we take that anger from him, he no longer has that ”warning light” that indicates that something within him needs to be addressed.

The same actions done with differing intentions will produce dramatically different end results. For example, giving someone money out of pity (judgment, empathy) has a lower vibration than giving to him or her out of unconditional love (acceptance, compassion).

Empathy is an emotion of responsibility and enmeshment—a very low vibration, and comes from a misapplication of the concepts of oneness and responsibility. However, being a healer from a place of compassion and the more complete understanding of oneness is a higher vibration. Compassion is a sharing of unconditional love. It is channeling Universal energy for the good of all

How do you know if you are coming from responsibility or from love? If you think you’re indebted to help someone, feel uninspired or are drained during or after being of help, it’s likely coming from responsibility. This also includes acting from guilt, shame, or fear; they all lead to resentment, and a constriction of your energy and thus a reduction of your immune system’s capabilities. If you feel more joyous, open-hearted, and energized during the action, it’s coming from love.

None of this means to ignore or to stay clear of those in emotional or physical pain. It only means we need to understand that their pain isn’t our pain, and that it is NOT our job to fix it for them. In fact, us carrying their burden prevents them from truly healing. It is best to be a supporter, a guide, an assistant to a process, but not a sponge or an enabler.

The compassionate person loves others as they are, where they are, and who they are. We can better achieve this state by trusting the bigger picture. We have to know deep within our cells that all people are exactly where they need to be. We should not judge another’s path;

Regularly repeat to yourself that compassion means to accept everyone exactly where they are, with no need for others to be, say, or do anything in particular.

“I am only responsible for myself.”

we can best be heard when we speak that from a place of un-triggered emotions.

By living mindfully, we can recognize an unresolved emotional trigger, let ourselves feel it to heal it (more on that later), and then have easy access to the higher truth.

When open and clear, the perfect words and actions always follow because access to the heart is easier; the ego-based pain has been dissolved.

In fact; quite often, their pain becomes a catalyst to their growth.

Going with the flow is more empowering than going against it.

Telling you to put up walls to protect yourselves—blocking the flow as is often recommended—also minimizes other, more positive people and circumstance intended for you. Because we can’t selectively invite or block specific frequencies, it’s best to open to all the Universe offers us, keep what we like, and discharge what is not meant for us.

Before entering a room or situation where you’re likely to be drained, feel, visualize, or imagine your heart chakra opening. Then, like a keyhole in a door that lets a person see through and to the other side, feel, visualize, or imagine the front and back of your heart chakra open enough that if someone were looking at you from the front, they could see what’s behind you through this opening. It can be open to the width of a grapefruit for more potentially difficult situations or people. It can be smaller, too. Make it the size of a raisin for what you may perceive as less emotionally painful situations. Then invite whatever negativity is coming toward you to go right through you and out the back. Do not let it hit the sides of the ”tunnel,” rather sense it entering the center space and flowing on through! You might feel the flow of energy as wind or you can imagine light, color, sound,

“I’m me, and you’re you; whatever you send, I let go through.”

The heart chakra is already an active spiral, so envision a tornado on its side, pulling negative energy in and right out the back.

I recommend the heart chakra because that is the seat of compassion for most. If your intuition tells you to use another chakra, feel free to use that instead.

I do recall one instance where this was not effective. I was in a very small room with about 30 people and I had tried allowing whatever negative energy was coming my way to go through, but I still felt weakened. In that case, in my mind’s eye I put up a wall and felt better pretty quickly, but I also remembered to take it down as I exited the building.

with the ability to feel the emotions of others, when used correctly, empathy can increase your level of compassion toward others. Compassion is one of the primary precursors of enjoying an open heart and establishing truer connections with others. Compassion is a requirement for heart-centered relationships, authentic communication, and full emotional expression.

It can be difficult to know what’s yours and what is another’s.

Try to bring yourself fully into the moment. Sometimes doing something physical—like rubbing your hands together—increases the amount of sensations in this now, and can bring you into the moment. Then try to feel what’s going on within you. With presence, you can actually ask it, “Are you mine or another’s?” With practice, the answer becomes easier to see, feel, or hear. It’s okay to feel momentarily the pain of another. This helps you walk in another’s shoes even for a few seconds and increases the connection between you and the other, increasing compassion through shared experience or sensation. Then, let it go. Remember, it’s not your job to be a sponge any longer.

While we of course want results quicker than slower, we can’t rush change; to do so often creates more resistance.