We can’t say what we don’t know. To tell a spouse about our inner process, we must have contact with it. We need the emotional boundary that comes from knowing intimately who we are, what we want, and how to say it. To listen uncritically requires knowing that I’m not the other person, that no matter what he says I can keep myself safe, that I can and will limit comments that violate me, and that his process is not my process. It requires the boundary of knowing what is him and what is me.
