Suicide Notes

by Michael Thomas Ford

For a while I was floating around in space breathing crystal-pure oxygen and talking to the Man in the Moon. Then suddenly everything changed and I was falling through the stars.

I know they’re hoping I’ll say something about why I did what I did. So for the record: I just felt like it.

Actually, I just kind of settled into this warm, foggy place where everything faded out and voices sounded like planes flying somewhere way faraway.

It’s a really crappy feeling to realize that your entire outlook on your life can be controlled by some little pill that looks like a Pez,

I didn’t ask to be saved.

inside of me all of this stuff was whirling around and around like a tornado. But on the outside I was frozen.

I swear, sometimes it feels like there’s this monkey in my head who runs around turning the dials and changing channels on me.

I’m afraid that suddenly I’ll have this uncontrollable urge to climb up on the railing of the bridge or run to the edge of the cliff or whatever and just throw myself off before anyone can stop me.

“We open our mouths, but nothing really comes out.”

“Once you realize there’s nothing to be afraid of when you die, there’s nothing else to worry about.”

I can catch bits and pieces of it, but trying to see the whole picture at once is really hard. I don’t even know if I want to see it. If I see it, I might fall apart.

No one ever tells you that when your heart breaks, you can feel it. But you can. It feels like something has crumbled inside you and the pieces are falling into your stomach.

It was like I wasn’t even looking at myself, I was looking at someone I’d never seen before, someone I didn’t want to see ever again.

“The only thing you can do is listen to your feelings,” he said. “If you’re honest about what you feel, you’ll know what’s true about yourself.”

“I’m gay.” And you know what? It makes me a little mad. I mean, straight guys don’t have to sit their parents down and tell them they like girls.

Now I have to think about them as people with feelings. What a pain.

Someone new arrived today, so apparently our nuthouse is still the hottest club in town after all.

It’s sort of perfect, when you think about it. Isn’t falling in love a lot like losing your head?

I looked down once more and saw Sadie looking up at me. Her face got smaller and smaller as I flew up through the water. She wasn’t smiling anymore. She was just watching me. Watching me leave her under the water.

I think Jeff is very funny, and that he deals with accepting himself the way that I, and a lot of other people, have dealt with accepting ourselves, which does not always happen easily or neatly.