Help for Billy: A Beyond Consequences Approaching to Helping Challenging Children in the Classroom

by Heather T. Forbes

Second Question.

“I am the teacher; you are the student. You will do as I say and you will learn what I teach.”

Service begins with empathy; empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of the other person. When you open yourself up to the other person’s pain, fear, and overwhelm, you have a deeper understanding as to their needs and how you can help them. Empathy is when you give up judgment for understanding.

“What can I do at this very moment to improve my relationship with this student?”

At the moment of the negative behavior, this is the time when Billy is least likely to be able to think clearly, make good decisions, or think about the consequences of his actions.

How can I make this relationship safe for Billy? Does Billy need me to validate him? What does Billy need from me? How can I respond so Billy is not threatened?

How can I physically position myself to create safety in relationship for Billy? Can I sit down or squat to be less threatening but not in harm’s way? Can Billy respond to exploratory questions, not solutions I give him, that show I am interested? How can I convince Billy that I truly want to understand his struggle? How can I be more authentic for Billy? If I stop talking and start listening, will Billy feel like he has a voice? How can I serve Billy?

Billy cannot learn when he is stressed out. It is a matter of timing as to when to teach the lesson.

Billy is in a state of survival. When a child (or adult) is in this state, no one else

matters. It is a mindset about protecting the self. A teacher’s ability to be “successful” with

Billy comes through her ability to connect with him, despite her ow...

By connecting with Billy at the level of relationship, the teacher will be working to calm his fears, soothe his stress, and decrease his overwhelm.

perceives most of what is said to him as negative and threatening.

When Billy feels safe, supported, and listened to, his ability to focus, organize, and learn

has the potential to expand exponentially.

responding, not reacting, to Billy cannot be overemphasized.

The process of responding instead of reacting to students like Billy begins with putting yourself in Billy’s shoes.

Students, especially students like Billy, need their teachers and caregivers to go beyond consequences, logic, and control. They need the adults in their lives to connect with them in relationship.

The way to change challenging students in the classroom is through influence, not control.

We have to trust that, fundamentally at their core, children are acting out due to stress, fear, and a lack of regulatory ability.

The most effective moment in a student’s day to teach him a new pattern is precisely in the most difficult moment of his day. This is when he has reverted back to old patterns, old thinking, and old coping strategies.

Change the pattern of what he experiences in the context of relationship instead of trying to change the way he is thinking.

students act out because they need attention.

Ignoring the behavior, threatening the behavior, or controlling the behavior will only give the child a form of negative attention.

This is extremely detrimental because from a child’s viewpoint any form of attention—whether positive or negative—is attention, and it is ulti...

They need attention, nurturing, and relationship in order to stay within the boundaries, to follow rules, and to stay attentive to the teacher in charge of them.

Billy needs the adults in charge of him to reduce his stress, increase his regulation, and provide an emotionally safe and secure environment.

At the same time, Billy also needs to be given strong boundaries to “push up against” to know he is safe and that the people around him can handle him. It is as if he needs a hybrid between Mister Rogers and General George Patton—someone holding strong limits and boundaries (Genera...

It

will take repeating these experiences over and over in the classroom to change Billy’s brain, his thinking, and his patterning.

Trauma robs a child of his sense of curiosity.

the arousal level decreases, then a person will look for excitement such as physical exercise or a nightclub. When the opposite occurs and the arousal level is too high, this same person will seek down time, as in reading a book or watching a movie.

Billy’s quest for the reward, even one that would be considered a positive motivator, like stickers or a prize from the treasure box, stress is created. He wants the reward but collapses under the stress created to earn it.

Billy, who has a history of abandonment and rejection, gets isolated, which confirms his internal belief that he really is a bad child. As a result, his negative behavior increases in severity. Ironically he creates exactly what he feared from the start.

Children do not need to be bribed or threatened into learning.

need, especially Billy, is to be supported, guided, and scaffolded up within an environment that is conducive

to feeling emotionally safe, developing relationship, and...

Any technique based in fear is only going to elevate more fear in Billy who already lives in fear.

The reality is that when fear is a part of the learning environment for a child like Billy, learning stops.

The more Billy falls behind academically, the more he feels threatened and the less he learns.

Many of the traditional techniques need only be modified slightly and delivered in the spirit of love and connection

When a student senses that others think, “You are one of us,” safety is inherently created.

Traditional consequences of isolating and alienating are relational expressions that say, “You are not one of us.”

This type of disciplinary action will ignite Billy’s stress response system further because he has a history of being rejected, abandoned, or targeted as the bad child.

student’s past family history is critical to understanding his present state and reaction in the classroom.

Create a sense of belonging not just for the Billys in the classroom but for all students by focusing on the class as a community.

When one student is dysregulated, the class stops to support this one student and everyone works to help this student feel safe. It is the coming together of everyone to support the needs of the one.

In the beginning, it will take more time and the academics probably will be second in line.