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Being charismatic does not depend on how much time you have but on how fully present you are in each interaction.
Warmth, simply put, is goodwill toward others. Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor. Being seen as warm means being perceived as any of the following: benevolent, altruistic, caring, or willing to impact our world in a positive way. Warmth is assessed almost entirely through body language and behavior; it’s evaluated more directly than power.
Because your mind can’t tell the difference between imagination and reality, by creating a charismatic internal state your body language will authentically display charisma.
In terms of achieving charisma, your internal state is critical. Get the internal state right, and the right charismatic behaviors and body language will pour forth automatically.
Our inability to tolerate uncertainty carries multiple costs. It can cause us to make premature decisions. It can handicap us in negotiations, leading us to reveal more than we should as we scramble to fill the silence, unable to bear the uncertainty of not knowing what the other person is thinking. And most important, it can lead us to feel anxious. Anxiety is a serious drawback to charisma.
Skillfully handling any difficult experience is a three-step process: destigmatize discomfort, neutralize negativity, and rewrite reality.
When your brain spins negative scenarios, remind yourself that you may not be getting an accurate perception of reality. Your brain might be following its negativity bias, playing up some elements more than others, or omitting some positives entirely.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
The executives I coach often mention the musical scores from Rocky III (“Eye of the Tiger”), Chariots of Fire (instrumental by Vangelis), or Top Gun (“Top Gun Anthem”).
What’s the opposite of gratitude? Resentment, neediness, and desperation—none of which is very charismatic.
self-compassion is feeling that what happened to you is unfortunate, whereas self-pity is feeling that what happened to you is unfair.
Self-criticism is much stronger when our suffering seems due to our own perceived failures and inadequacies than when it seems due to external circumstances. This is when self-compassion is the most precious.
Christopher Germer, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion, is adamant that “self-compassion is not a gift you’re either born with or not. It’s a skill, a trainable mental skill that each and every one of us, without exception, can develop and strengthen.”
“This one practice alone is worth its weight gold. To stop interrupting others could be the single most important skill I’ve learned from working with you.”
They finish their sentence Your face absorbs Your face reacts Then, and only then, you answer
Mirror-then-lead is a smart strategy when the person you’re interacting with needs reassurance—when they’re feeling nervous or timid, anxious or awkward, stiff or withdrawn.
The right body language for delivering bad news is one of warmth: care, concern, understanding, and empathy. Essentially, demonstrate as much kindness charisma as you can.
Franklin came to realize that the short-lived pleasure of being right was not worth the long-term negative consequences. From then on, he adopted the practice of “denying [himself] the pleasure of contradicting others.”
“You know, I might not be explaining this the right way. Let me try again.”
perfection is not when there is no more to add, but when there is no more to subtract.
But sometimes, no matter how much you reflect, some people will still become envious or resentful of your magnetism and your success. You may need to go a step further, which is to transfer the glory.
