The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge

by Beatrice Chestnut

Fours typically demonstrate a “push-pull” pattern in relationships. When a loved one is at a distance, the Four idealizes that person, focusing on what is positive and pleasing about the loved one and longing to be with them. However, when that same person comes close—when the person is relating to them intimately in the present moment, right in front of them, on a regular basis—the Four then typically focuses on what is missing or undesirable or even intolerable in the person, and feels motivated to push them away. This “push” part of the pattern represents a proactive abandonment or rejection based on a fear of abandonment and rejection, which can be experienced as a straightforward aversion to the partner. The “pull” portion of the pattern represents the tendency to idealize what seems unavailable or is at a distance and is longed for—and it also represents the Four’s real desire for closeness, a desire that can seem dangerous once someone actually comes close to the Four.