The Five Levels of Attachment: Toltec Wisdom for the Modern World (Toltec Mastery Series)

by Miguel Ruiz Jr.

What identities have you adopted for yourself? How do you portray those identities in the world? When you are at Level Three, you confuse these identities with who you really are.

As adults, we still have the ability to play make-believe like we did when we were children—that is, we still have the ability to create a mask based on our knowledge of how to engage one another in a particular setting. But as adults, the mask becomes a way to adapt socially and relate to a group with whom we are interacting, and we have forgotten that it's just a mask. . . . We think the mask is us!

This level of attachment can feel great when your team wins, or when things are going your way; but as life shows us, what goes up must come down, and no one wins all the time.

These are the hallmarks of Level Three: we have donned the mask of identity and forgotten it is a mask. This forgetting of who we really are, the Authentic Self, leads to some suffering, but generally not an inordinate amount.

My identity, in the form of my knowledge, gives me the rules and guidelines by which I live my life.

Our sense of self is the personification of our beliefs, and our will is subjugated by the need to fit in with the Dream. Thus, our mask may not necessarily be in the form of our passion, but we will wear whatever mask we think we need to be accepted.

At this level of attachment, our focus is on internalizing an idealized version of our identity, and we may project a false image of self to secure our acceptance. This is the direct result of our domestication through conditional love.

Only unhappiness stems from the judge and victim mentality. To live up to these conditions and be accepted, we hide who we really are not only from others but also from ourselves.

Attachment at this level results in disharmony between mind, body, and soul, and this is reflected in all of one's relationships. The only glimpses of peace come through individual victories, and these moments are far from permanent. This is the version of the Dream of the Planet that appears to be in constant conflict.

My knowledge controls my every action.

Anything that contradicts or puts into question the sustainability of the belief is a direct threat, and a fanatic will defend the belief at any cost. Prejudice, intolerance, and violence are the instruments by which the belief is imposed onto the Dream of the Planet.

Regardless of how it can appear, the driving force behind fanaticism is not hate or anger, but rather an extreme form of conditional love for self and others. This is how any beautiful belief in the world can become lost in corruption, as knowledge controls a person's will for the sake of its own existence.

There is still a lot of work to be done to let go of the illusion—the corrupted version of knowledge that no longer reflects life, but what our attachment wants to see.

In the Toltec tradition, there is a symbol we use to describe all the chatter in our mind—the mitote, which means “a thousand voices all talking at the same time.”

These narrators are the personification of our attachments to things, ideas, and beliefs. They can keep us rooted to past experiences as we try to make sense of the present.

Instead of simply experiencing love, being love, narrators explain how love should feel: what makes us worthy of love; who should love us, and how they should express it; what we need to do or achieve to love ourselves, and what others need to do in order to receive our love in return.

Narrators convince us that if we can achieve an imagined perfection, we will be so full of love that life will be smooth going from then on. But what has really happened is we have made love conditional. And if we continue to follow the guidance of our narrators, we will go from childhood to young adulthood and beyond attached to the idea that we need to find a living personification of what “true love” is.

In order to be in love, we must have someone to love. And of course, that person is supposed to love us back. We get really hung up on this part—forming our idea of love through positive and negative reinforcement, much the way we do as children, always seeking our parents’ approval, yearning for their acceptance and shrinking from their disapproval. This kind of love has so many conditions attached that suffering is inevitable. And, in this way, love becomes the biggest demon of all.

Our distortions turn the angel of unconditional love into the demon, a symbol of the distortion of the truth, exaggerating our fears and distorting our view even ...

If we look at our reflection and into our eyes, we will see what lies beyond them, we will see the truth. There is no need to chase love, when we are love. We simply release our attachment to what we expect to see so that we can see beyond it. We turn off the volume on our narrators, the voice of our knowledge, and simply engage the present, and the true image of love will appear.

But when I look in the mirror and say, “Hey, Miguel, you are the perfect you in this moment, and I accept you completely, but I see that you might want to lose a few pounds in order to be more healthy,” then I am being motivated to make changes by the desire to care for myself, which comes from self-love. Going on a diet is not a condition by which I accept myself. Rather, I recognize the truth of my unhealthy state, and I decide to make a change—not because conditional love has forced my hand, but because I love and accept myself.

Believing that we need to avoid rejection at all costs is a very common belief. For instance, if someone says to you, “I'm not attracted to you,” you have a choice about what to do with that knowledge. You can accept the truth without the narrator and realize that it has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with that person and his or her particular taste. The news is still hard to hear, but it is simple, and it ends there.

Either way, you are making a choice. You can choose to let your self-acceptance be subjugated by another person's taste or opinion, or you can choose to accept that they have simply stated what is true for them and that does not change who you are.

In my experience, the only motivator that brings lasting change is self-love. When I love and accept myself, I want to treat myself well and be as healthy as I can be, only then do I have the freedom to detoxify from whatever has been subjugating my will.

Authentic love is the greatest motivator for letting go of our attachments, while conditional love only strengthens our attachments.

We must first become aware of where our attention is in the moment. Becoming aware of our attachments is the start of any process; recognizing which beliefs we have either become identified with, internalized, or fanaticized is the first step in moving towards our Authentic Self in any situation. Accepting the truth at that moment is accepting ourselves for who we are, attachments and all. From this point of acceptance, the question will be: “Do I want to keep the attachment?”

If we choose to keep it, and sometimes we will, that is fine, because we are doing so while being aware of the attachment and choosing to live life in that way. If we don't want to keep it, then we can make a choice to begin to let go. The freedom to choose between these two options is the manifestation of our intent, the power of choice.

Moving from the extreme point of Fanaticism (the loss of humanity) to Internalization requires the ability to see that our life and all life is more valuable than any idea or belief.

Love and respect for self and others is the beginning to letting go of fanaticism.

We cannot give what we do not have; respect for life starts with our own, and love is the ground...

The act of questioning produces a moment of clarity that allows us to see our truth.

A moment of doubt in a belief can be the crack that will begin to expand our perception.

Remember, there is a yes at the root of every belief we have, but a no can be enough to change our beliefs.

Our no is just as powerful as our yes. This is the assertion of our will, and our becoming aware of it allows us the opportunity to no longer be subjugated by our knowledge. Here, we begin to realize that we—not our knowledge—are in control.

Be impeccable with your word Don't take anything personally Don't make assumptions Always do your best Be skeptical, but learn to listen

we begin to let go of those agreements and conditions by which we deem ourselves unworthy of our own love and begin to see our attachments from a perspective of objectivity.

Envision yourself at the beginning of the labyrinth. First, you must be willing to enter. If you are not ready to forgive and let go, you have a choice to not enter the labyrinth. This exercise only has power if you say yes by your own will, and by your own will alone will you be able to engage in the exercise. If you do choose to enter, this is the action of saying, “Yes, I am ready to forgive and take responsibility for my own will.” As you enter the labyrinth, imagine it is a road map of your past that leads to your present moment in life. With every turn, envision a person, a moment, or a belief that you have used in some way to domesticate yourself. What or whom have you used to subjugate your own will in order to be accepted by yourself or others? When you hold that vision in your mind—a person for example—stop, envision him or her, and become aware of how their words have contributed to your domestication and say, “Forgive me. I have used your words to go against myself.” Although that person might have used his or her words and actions to domesticate you, or to cause you harm or pain, you are the one who ultimately said yes to the belief and allowed it to blossom in your mind.

Becoming aware of your responsibility for your half of a relationship is crucial as well—it's not just the other person's fault. Recognize that you have been using someone else's words or past actions to potentially cause both of you harm, simply by saying yes. The action of saying yes is letting their words and actions impact you, allowing them to hurt you or go against you. Their words and actions have power to hurt you only by permission, because you chose to agree with them.

Forgiveness happens the moment you say no to carrying this pain, this weight, this hurt, and let go of it all. Say aloud or to yourself, “Forgive me, I have used your words and actions against myself, and I will no longer use them to hurt myself again.” Forgi...

Continue through the labyrinth, repeating the same action of forgiveness as new people and situations come to mind—whatever person or wound hooks your attention at that moment. That is the next one you are ready to face and to forgive. As you reach the end of a labyrinth, you may either find yourself at an exit or at a point in the very center. For the sake of this illustration, you will find yourself at the entrance to the center of the labyrinth. Stop here.

Look at the entrance to the center point and envision a mirror. Walk up to that mirror and see your own reflection. When you are ready, repeat these words: “Forgive me, I have used your words most of all to go against myself, and I will no longer use them to hurt myself again.” The action of entering the center point of the labyrinth represents the moment you forgive yourself. This is the action of your own forgiveness and of reclaiming the power, or the impeccability, of your own word—of your own intent. You are worthy of your own forgiveness, as much as you are worthy of your own love.

At this point in this exercise, you have let go of the past by recognizing that the only thing that exists is this present moment. The labyrinth itself is now the past, and you can let it go as you forgive yourself. With awareness, you can now draw the knowledge from your past to make choices in the present moment. The labyrinth expands as you live your life, but the only truth is in that center, that present moment where you are alive. The labyr...