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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Gary Chapman
“Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival, to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated.”1
“To excel as a manager, to turn your people’s talents into productive, powerful strengths, requires an additional all-important ingredient. Lacking this ingredient … you will never reach excellence. The all-important ingredient is individualization.”2
Tony Schwartz, president and CEO of The Energy Project, puts it well: “Whatever else each of us derives from our work, there may be nothing more precious than the feeling that we truly matter—that we contribute unique value to the whole, and that we’re recognized for it.
“The single highest driver of engagement, according to a worldwide study conducted by Towers Watson, is whether or not workers feel their managers are genuinely interested in their wellbeing.”
Showing staff members that you appreciate them by speaking the language of Quality Time is a powerful yet largely misunderstood tool for managers. In the past, many supervisors have interpreted employees’ desire for quality time as an inappropriate desire to be their friend, or an effort to “get in good” with the boss in order to have undue influence and receive favors. Our research indicates that this is seldom the attitude of the employee whose primary appreciation language is Quality Time. This employee simply wants to feel that what they are doing is significant and that their supervisor
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By Quality Time, we mean giving the person your focused attention.
Like Words of Affirmation, the appreciation language of Quality Time also has many dialects. One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation: empathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.
Quality conversation is quite different from the appreciation language of Words of Affirmation. Affirming words focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses more on what we are hearing. Quality conversation means that I am seeking to create a safe environment in which you can share your accomplishments, frustrations, and suggestions. I will ask questions, not in a badgering manner but with a genuine desire to understand your concerns.
Maintain eye contact.
Don’t do other things while you are listening.
Listen for feelings as well as thoughts. While you are listening, ask yourself, “What
Affirm their feelings even if you disagree with their conclusions.
Observe body language.
Resist the impulse to interrupt.
It is empathetic listening on the part of both of you that brings encouragement and feelings of appreciation to the individual whose primary language is Quality Time.
This kind of focused attention where the leader is not promoting his own ideas but seeking to hear the ideas of his team members communicates a sense of value to employees. For those whose primary appreciation language is Quality Time, the significance of such focused attention is colossal.
Providing assistance to one’s colleagues is a powerful expression of appreciation, especially to the individual whose primary appreciation language is Acts of Service.
Make sure your own responsibilities are covered before volunteering to help others.
Ask before you help.
Even when you know an individual’s primary language of appreciation is Acts of Service, you need to check with them first to see if they would like assistance on the current task. If you dive in to help on a task when the coworker does not want help, it can create tension rather than encouragement.
Serve voluntarily.
Check your attitude.
If you are going to help, do it their way. Individuals whose personalities tend to be perfectionist resist the help of coworkers because they know they will not do the work to their satisfaction. So when helping out a colleague, it is important to clarify how they want the task done. If you want your efforts to be appreciated, you must be willing to do it in such a way that the individual you are helping will feel that the task was “done right.”
Complete what you start.
If you know your colleague’s primary language of appreciation is Acts of Service, then discovering the specific service that would be most meaningful to them may be as easy as asking the question, “Is there anything I could do for you that would make your work easier?”
Those individuals for whom acts of service are important do not simply want to finish the task; they value the cheerful attitude and a spirit of willing sacrifice on the part of those who help them. Don’t forget to have an “attitude check” before you offer to help a colleague. Leave any feelings of stress, reluctance, or obligation at the door before you go out to help others. Sincere acts of service must grow out of a genuine effort to help others.
Demonstrating your appreciation for those you work with by serving them can be a very low-key, yet effective way of encouraging coworkers. If Acts of Service is the primary appreciation language of an individual, then they are energized when colleagues volunteer to help them. When they feel appreciated, they are deeply motivated to continue using the abilities they have for the benefit of the organization.
There are two key components necessary for tangible rewards to be truly encouraging to those who receive them: First, you need to give gifts primarily to those individuals who appreciate them.
The second key component for an effective expression of appreciation through tangible gifts is: You must give a gift the person values.
(Please see “The Art of Giving a Gift without Buying a ‘Thing’” at our website: appreciationatwork.com/resources.)
While recognition focuses primarily on performance or the achievement of certain goals, appreciation focuses on the value of the individual employee.
While recognition focuses on what the person does, appreciation focuses on who the person is.
