If we follow manners strictly, we may turn into a ‘super-charmer’, and other people may doubt our sincerity. If we become extra sincere, we may appear over-earnest in a way that might be acceptable in, say, America but not in Britain. It is difficult to formulate guidelines about other people’s feelings because they vary so much, from culture to culture, from family to family, from person to person, and from moment to moment. We are either good at picking up on people’s feelings and attuning to them, or we are not. The way to learn how to be with someone is by being with them; if we cannot get
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