How to Stay Sane (The School of Life Book 18)

by Philippa Perry

If we are our emotions, rather than an observer of them, we will veer into a chaotic state. If, on the other hand, we repress our feelings altogether, we can swing the other way, into rigidity. There is a difference between saying ‘I am angry’ and saying ‘I feel angry’. The first statement is a description that appears closed. The second is an acknowledgement of a feeling, and does not define the whole self. In the same way that it is useful to be able to separate ourselves from our feelings, it is also necessary to be able to observe our thoughts. Then we can notice the different kinds of thoughts we have, and can examine them, rather than be them. This allows us to notice which thoughts work well for us, and whether any of our internal mind chatter is self-defeating.

It may help to think of our self-observing part as a distinct component of ourselves. It is self-accepting and non-judgemental.

To begin self-observing, ask yourself these questions: What am I feeling now? What am I thinking now? What am I doing at this moment? How am I breathing?

What do I want for myself in this new moment?3

Doing the Grounding Exercise helps us to place ourselves in our internal experience. People can be loosely put into two groups, those who externally reference and those who internally reference. Externally referenced people are more concerned with the impression they make on other people: What do I look like? What does this look like? Internally referenced people are more concerned with what something feels like: Do I like the feel of this or that better? Externally referenced people want to get it right for others (so they will be accepted, impress them or be envied by them) but internally referenced people want to get it right for themselves (so they feel comfortable with themselves).

We can ask ourselves whether the way we manage our emotions is prompted by what we imagine other people are thinking about us, or by what we know will make us feel comfortable.

When I am practising self-observation I also take time to notice what I call post-rationalization, which could also be called self-justification. This describes the way we have of mentally ‘tidying up’ what is going on inside and outside of ourselves, often coming up with convenient explanations which may be actually be nonsense, to justify our behaviour.

our ‘reasons’ for doing anything could be a post-rationalization, even when our corpus callosum has not been cut.

‘Hold your beliefs lightly.’ Certainty is not necessarily a friend of sanity, although it is often mistaken for it.

We live in a so-called ‘age of reason’, and yet, research such as Sperry’s and Damasio’s demonstrate, many of our ideas, feelings and actions come from the right brain, while the left brain makes up reasons for those ideas, feelings and actions retrospectively.

When we argue vehemently against something, we do so not on account of the reasons we generate, but on account of the feelings that the reasons are created to support. They may be the ‘wrong’ reasons but our feeling is never the wrong feeling – our feelings just are. A feeling cannot be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. It is how we act out our feelings that is moral or immoral.

Diarists reported better moods and fewer moments of distress than non-diarists. Those, in the same study, who kept a journal following trauma or bereavement also reported fewer flashbacks, nightmares and unexpected difficult memories. Writing can itself be an act of emotional processing so it can help in many situations of danger, extremity and loss of control.

Studies have also shown that people who regularly keep daily ‘gratitude’ diaries, in which they list things for which they are grateful, report increased satisfaction with their lives and relationships.

Basically there are two sorts of cultures. In crowded countries such as Japan and Britain we tend to have ‘negative-politeness’. This means that people are aware of others’ need for privacy, and their desire not to be intruded upon. In countries where there is more space, like the USA, people are more inclined to practise ‘positive politeness’, where the emphasis is on inclusion and openness. The anthropologist Kate Fox says that what looks like stand-offishness in a negative-politeness culture is really a sort of consideration for people’s privacy. So you see, for every overarching rule about how to have relationships, there will always be another that contradicts it. You may act in a caring way towards somebody, but if you have not absorbed the rules of that person’s family of origin or culture you can still get it wrong.

If we follow manners strictly, we may turn into a ‘super-charmer’, and other people may doubt our sincerity. If we become extra sincere, we may appear over-earnest in a way that might be acceptable in, say, America but not in Britain. It is difficult to formulate guidelines about other people’s feelings because they vary so much, from culture to culture, from family to family, from person to person, and from moment to moment. We are either good at picking up on people’s feelings and attuning to them, or we are not. The way to learn how to be with someone is by being with them; if we cannot get that far we are a bit stuck. In trying to please one group of people we can end up offending another. Asking people what we are doing wrong will either upset us (when we get the answer), or will only tell us what we are doing wrong in their eyes – and it might not be us who is ‘wrong’

It may help to remember when you receive a complaint that it is only nominally about you; it is really information about the person making the complaint.

Other complaints might be more tricky to hear, such as, ‘I’m sick of being the person who puts the rubbish out in this house; I want you to do it for a change.’ This complaint is expressed with a martyr-ish edge. It might have been better to phrase it as follows: ‘As I put the bins out last night, it felt to me as though I am the only person who remembers to do this. Please could you do it next time?’ The person on the receiving end may have been about to deliver the very same complaint because they feel that they are always left with this chore. Remember: the complaint is about the person making it. The best way to respond is, ‘I hear that you feel that it is you who always takes the rubbish out, and you would like to change. Thank you for telling me.’ It is best not to argue when you do this exercise. When you next do a Daily Temperature Reading, in the questions section you might say, ‘It seems to me we both feel we are doing more than our fair share of chores. Perhaps we need to work out a system or get a cleaner. What do you think?’

Remember, the idea is not to fight, and a good relationship is not about determining who is right and who is wrong. It’s about finding a way forward together. A common intervention that psychotherapists make when working with couples is to say, ‘You can choose between being right, or being together’. As I’ve said before, bear this in mind if you feel wrongly accused: the accusation is about how the other person feels and they will not feel better if they are made to feel wrong as well.