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Started reading
July 4, 2019
Described in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they emphasize the value of friendship between partners, accepting each other’s influence, and being gentle during disagreements.
Betrayal is the secret that lies at the heart of every failing relationship—it is there even if the couple is unaware of it.
Pervasive coldness, selfishness, unfairness, and other destructive behaviors are also evidence of disloyalty and can lead to consequences as equally devastating as adultery.
trust removes an enormous source of stress because it allows you to act with incomplete information.
Trust is not some vague quality that grows between two people. It is the specific state that exists when you are both willing to change your own behavior to benefit your partner.
The more trust that exists in a relationship, the more you look out for each other. You have your beloved’s back, and vice versa.
They will each change their own behavior to increase the other’s payoffs.
The bottom line of all this analysis is that happy couples in my studies spent more time behaving in ways (nice and neutral combinations) that gave them the largest payoffs
In other words, both of them ranked highest those moments when their partner’s words or body language indicated a positive emotion.
A couple’s mutual trust score indicates how deeply they are in this together and have each other’s back.
In contrast, trustworthiness indicates a partner’s willingness to sacrifice for the relationship, to sometimes put his or her own needs on the back burner because the partnership matters most.
When couples are trustworthy they send each other the message that they and the partnership are unique and irreplaceable.
sacrifice entails both people agreeing to give the romance priority over other goals and dreams.
In the midst of conflict, these couples find a way to respond, at least for a brief time, in a soothing and loving manner.
Repairs are the life jackets of all romantic partnerships. Their effectiveness determines whether a relationship will live or die. Repairs are not complicated. Common ones include jokes, a compliment, a hand squeeze, a question.
Well-timed repairs are part of the dance between two people who know and trust each other.
Unlike unhappy couples, neutral ones are engaged and responsive. But they remain calm while expressing disagreement.
Those couples who spent the most time being unemotional remained married.
at least one of them may become highly sensitive, physically, to the hostility.
A tendency to flood during arguments prevents repairs from calming things down. If the body and or mind are in overdrive, clarity of thought shuts off. People are not receptive to (nor even aware of) their partner trying to soothe them.
the underlying culprit is the dynamic between the couple, specifically a deficit in attunement.
Every bid made in a relationship initiates what I call a sliding door moment. When one partner expresses a need for connection, the other’s response is either to slide open a door and walk through or keep it shut and turn away.
Do I come first, or does someone or something else matter more? Is my partner selfish? Can I risk continuing to trust?
pattern of turning away followed by an
inability to acknowledge and repair the breach
We are almost twice as likely to recall “unfinished issues” compared with those we have processed or in some manner put to rest.
“Negative Sentiment Override”
On average, people who suffer from NSO fail to recognize their partner’s positive gestures 50 percent of the time.
Negative overrides reinforce the belief that the partner is not just thoughtless on occasion, but is a selfish person.
If you are unhappy about something in your relationship, by all means express it—but rather than an attack, use what I call a gentle start-up.
negative comparison).
But when these musings are combined with a pattern of turning away and not acknowledging feelings, as they are with Jim, Tyler, and Abby, they are toxic.
But by not confiding in Marion, James deprives her of the opportunity to show support and love. To use Glass’s terminology, the lack of disclosure erects a wall between the partners that replaces the open window of trust. The result is emotional distance that makes the secret keeper feel lonely.
But if your trust metric is low, you do need to talk about them, even if it seems that doing so would be destructive.
Keeping a secret creates distance. The more disconnected the future cheater feels, the less he or she believes in the mate. The partner is seen as less trustworthy even though the cheater is responsible for the breach.
By not asserting herself or making her feelings known, she deprived her husband of the opportunity to be there for her, to put her ahead of all others.
sexual addict’s impaired thinking, which entails rationalization and denial. Addicts believe their own lies.
Relationship killers are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasant conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection that seems unavailable from the partner.
It is almost always an error to marry when you don’t want to. It’s hard for a marriage to succeed if it is an attempt to create a strong bond rather than the result of one.
Lies that are uttered to maintain the peace are a breach of trust.
At times, expressing disapproval of your partner’s deeds can be the most loving and supportive action you can take. Blind acceptance is never a healthy strategy.
If you are the recipient of such “corrections,” realize that your partner’s love is motivating the confrontation.
Instead of being defensive, try to focus on what your partner is saying and discuss the issue with openness.
at least seven of them are universal and hardwired into our brains: anger, sadness, disgust, contempt, fear, interest, and happiness.
that partners in happy relationships coach each other.
I can assure you that being the voice of reason is not always the best approach.
Open up about your own feelings, converse in a style that encourages confidences, and be an ally more than a problem solver.
Monitor the Conflict.
Self-disclose.
Take Responsibility.
