Total Forgiveness: When Everything in You Wants to Hold a Grudge, Point a Finger, and Remember the Pain - God Wants You to Lay it All Aside

by R.T. Kendall

as the great American philosopher George Santayana once said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

I have come to the conclusion that the primary way we grieve the Spirit in our lives is by fostering bitterness in our hearts.

It is also my experience that the quickest way I seem to lose inner peace is when I allow bitterness to reenter my heart. It’s not worth it! I made a decision for inner peace. But I found that I had to carry out that decision by a daily commitment to forgive those who hurt me, and to forgive them totally. I therefore let them utterly off the hook and resigned myself to this knowledge: They won’t get caught or found out. Nobody will ever know what they did. They will prosper and be blessed as if they had done no wrong.

Christianity Today with the bold words “The Forgiveness Factor” emblazoned across the front cover, writer Gary Thomas

social scientists are discovering that forgiveness may help lead to victims’ emotional and even physical healing and wholeness. As recently as the early 1980s, Dr. Glen Hamden went to the University of Kansas library and looked up the word forgiveness in Psychological Abstracts. He couldn’t find a single reference. But things are changing. Former President Jimmy Carter, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and former missionary Elisabeth Elliot have been promoting a $10 million “Campaign for Forgiveness Research,” established as a nonprofit corporation to attract donations that will support forgiveness research proposals. In 1998 the John Templeton Foundation awarded research grants for the study of forgiveness to twenty-nine scholars,4 and one of the primary discoveries of these studies is that the person who gains the most from forgiveness is the person who does the forgiving.

Although forgiveness has positive psychological—and even physical—benefits, this book is not about the results of psychological or sociological research. It is wholly about biblical teaching—about the spiritual blessing that comes to those who take Jesus’s teaching of total forgiveness seriously. In a word, it is about receiving a greater anointing.

Because forgiving those who have hurt us severely can be a very difficult task—especially when trust is shattered—Michelle Nelson has chosen to speak of degrees, or different types, of forgiveness.5 She has listed three categories: Detached forgiveness—there is a reduction in negative feelings toward the offender, but no reconciliation takes place. Limited forgiveness—there is a reduction in negative feelings toward the offender, and the relationship is partially restored, though there is a decrease in the emotional intensity of the relationship. Full forgiveness—there is a total cessation of negative feelings toward the offender, and the relationship is fully restored.

Even if there is no reconciliation, there can still be total forgiveness. This may even apply to the forgiveness of those who are no longer alive. This forgiveness must happen in the heart, and when it does, peace emerges—with or without a complete restoration of the relationship. What matters is that the Holy Spirit is able to dwell in us ungrieved, able to be utterly Himself. The degree to which the Holy Spirit is Himself in me will be the degree to which I am like Jesus and carry out His teachings.

I find it much easier to forgive what people have said or done to me personally than what they say or do to my children.

It is not unlike Corrie ten Boom’s having to forgive the prison guard who was so cruel to her sister Betsie. Corrie saw this man viciously abuse her sister—who died shortly afterward—when both of them were in prison for protecting Jews in Holland during World War II. Years later, Corrie was seated on the platform of a church, preparing to speak in a service, when she spotted this very man in the audience. She struggled in her heart. She prayed in desperation for God to fill her heart with the love of Jesus. He did, but forgiveness became even more of a challenge when, after the service, this guard rather glibly said, in so many words, how good God is to forgive all of us. She wondered how sorry he was.

But remember, at the foot of Jesus’s cross no one seemed very sorry. There was no justice at His “trial”—if you could even call it that. A perverse glee filled the faces of the people who demanded His death: “‘Crucify him!’ they shouted” (Mark 15:13). Furthermore, “those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, ‘So! You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, come down from the cross and save yourself!’” (Mark 15:29–30). They shouted, “Let this Christ, this King of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe” (Mark 15:32).

The ultimate proof of total forgiveness takes place when we sincerely petition the Father to let those who have hurt us off the hook—even if they have hurt not only us, but also those close to us.

Some time ago there was a television series depicting Christians who had forgiven those who had hurt them. The producer, who was not a Christian, was profoundly moved. He said that while he could take or leave a church sermon, he could not ignore this. “Something must be happening in their lives,” he said. It is so “unnatural” for a person to forgive those who hurt them and to desire reconciliation that there is no greater testimony to the lost.

What impresses the world most is changed lives for which there is no natural explanation.

Totally forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean we will want to spend our vacation with them, but it does mean that we release the bitterness in our hearts concerning what they have done.

Refusing to punish those who deserve it—giving up the natural desire to see them “get what’s coming to them”—is the essence of total forgiveness. Our human nature cannot bear the thought that someone who hurt us deeply would get away with what they have done. It seems so unfair! We want vengeance—namely, their just punishment. But the fear that they won’t get punished is the opposite of perfect love. This is why John said: There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. —1 John 4:18, emphasis added If we harbor the desire to see our enemies punished, we will eventually lose the anointing of the Spirit. But when perfect love—the love of Jesus and the fruit of the Holy Spirit—enters, the desire for our enemy to be punished leaves. Total forgiveness is refusing to punish. It is refusing to cave in to the fear that this person or those people won’t get their comeuppance—the punishment or rebuke we think they deserve. I have been intrigued by John’s assertion that fear “has to do with punishment.” Sometimes we fear that God won’t step in and give our enemies their just desserts. But if one gives in to this fear, he will be trespassing on God’s territory, and God doesn’t like that. Vindication is God’s prerogative and God’s prerogative alone. Deuteronomy 32:35 tells us, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay.” This verse is even cited twice in the New Testament (Rom. 12:19; Heb. 10:30...

Iago said in William Shakespeare’s Othello: Who steals my purse steals trash; ’tis something, nothing; ’Twas mine, ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands; But he that filches from me my good name Robs me of that which not enriches him, And makes me poor indeed.2

True forgiveness shows grace and mercy at the same time. There is an interesting Greek word, epieikes, that means “forbearance” or “tolerance.” It comes from a root word that means the opposite of being unduly rigorous. In Hellenistic literature, Aristotle contrasted it with severely judging. The idea was: do not make a rigorous stand against your enemy even when you are clearly in the right. Graciousness is shown by what you don’t say, even if what you could say would be true. In Philippians 4:5 this word is translated “gentleness.” It comes down to our English word graciousness. It implies an exceedingly rare act of grace. It cuts right across a legalistic spirit, which is what comes naturally to most of us. This concept is quite threatening to those of us who don’t suffer fools gladly, who feel that being inflexible for the truth is the ultimate virtue. Paul used this word in the context of a family squabble in Philippi: “I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord” (Phil. 4:2). If only each of them had been gracious. Both had strong personalities, and each probably had a following; each side was sure that they were right, and each wanted the other to look bad. “Try graciousness,” says Paul. It is an unusual virtue. Gracious is a word that described Jesus all the time. When a group of self-righteous religious leaders led a woman to Jesus who was found in the act of adultery, there was no question that sin had taken place. But what ...

Total forgiveness must take place in the heart or it is worthless, for “out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matt. 12:34). If we have not truly forgiven those who hurt us in our hearts, it will come out—sooner or later. But if it has indeed taken place in the heart, our words will show it. When there is bitterness, it will eventually manifest itself; when there is love, “there is nothing in him to make him stumble” (1 John 2:10). This is why reconciliation is not essential for total forgiveness. If forgiveness truly takes place in the heart, one does not need to know whether one’s enemy will reconcile. If I have forgiven him in my heart of hearts, but he still doesn’t want to speak to me, I can still have the inner victory. It may be far easier to forgive when we know that those who maligned or betrayed us are sorry for what they did, but if I must have this knowledge before I can forgive, I may never have the victory over my bitterness. Confidence toward God is ultimately what total forgiveness is all about; He is the One I want to please at the end of the day. Those who believe that they are not required to forgive unless their offender has first repented are not following Jesus’s example on the cross. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. —Luke 23:34 If Jesus had waited until His enemies felt some guilt or shame for their words and actions, He would never have forgive...

Bitterness will manifest itself in many ways—losing your temper, high blood pressure, irritability, sleeplessness, obsession with getting even, depression, isolation, a constant negative perspective, and generally feeling unwell.

Bitterness is gone when there is no desire to get even with or punish the offender, when I do or say nothing that would hurt his reputation or future, and when I truly wish him well in all he seeks to do.

Total forgiveness brings such joy and satisfaction that I am almost tempted to call it a selfish enterprise. As we have seen, the wider research that is taking place these days has already overwhelmingly concluded that the first person to experience delight when forgiveness takes place is the one who forgives.

To ensure privacy, Joseph cried out, “Have everyone leave my presence!” (Gen. 45:1). He waited to reveal his identity until there was no one in the room except his brothers. Even the interpreter, who had no idea Joseph could speak Hebrew, was, to his surprise, told to leave. But why? Why did Joseph make everyone else leave? Because he did not want a single person in Egypt to know what his brothers had done to him twenty-two years before. He had a plan: namely, to persuade them to bring their father, Jacob, to Egypt. He wanted his entire family there with him. No one in Egypt needed to know what they had done. Joseph was a hero in Egypt. The people were in awe of him. By interpreting Pharaoh’s dreams he had saved the nation. He knew that if the word leaked out that his brothers had actually kidnapped him and sold him to Ishmaelites, the Egyptians would hate his brothers. Instead, Joseph wanted them to be heroes in Egypt as he was, and the only way to cause that to happen was to ensure that absolutely nobody in Egypt would ever discover their wickedness. So he did not allow anyone to eavesdrop on this historic conversation as he revealed his identity to those startled, frightened men. Joseph not only did not let anybody know what they had done; he ensured that they could not know. That is one of the proofs that one has totally forgiven. This is precisely how you and I are forgiven: “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Ps. 1...

We love to punish people by making them feel guilty. Those of us who are always sending people on guilt trips almost certainly have a big problem ourselves with a sense of guilt. Because we haven’t sorted out our own guilt issues, we want to make sure others wallow in the mire of guilty feelings with us. We point the finger partly because we haven’t forgiven ourselves.

God does not blackmail us. And when a person is guilty of blackmailing someone else, it gets God’s attention. He won’t stand for it. To hold another person in perpetual fear by threatening, “I’ll tell on you,” will quickly bring down the wrath of God. When I ponder the sins for which I have been forgiven, it is enough to shut my mouth for the rest of my life.

Mahatma Gandhi appealed to a sense of valor and heroism when he said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

The Bible urges us to forgive—totally. It is very surprising, therefore, to learn that there is no teaching of this kind of forgiveness in Judaism. After the Holocaust, there was a consensus that the Jewish people would never forget—ever. The idea of a Jew becoming a believer in Jesus as the Messiah and then praying with a Palestinian believer is unthinkable for the majority of Jews today. But that is happening—even in Israel. One wishes that this sort of thing would happen in Gentile Christian churches, where bitterness is often justified!

There are two things Jesus takes for granted in the Lord’s Prayer: that people have hurt us, and that we ourselves will need to be forgiven. We have all come short of God’s glory, and often other people come short of treating us with the dignity, love, and respect that we would like. We have hurt God, and we want to be let off the hook; people have hurt us, and we must let them off the hook.

The greater the sin you must forgive, the greater the measure of the Spirit that will come to you.

There is a wonderful consolation, however: the greater the sin you must forgive, the greater the measure of the Spirit that will come to you. So if you have an extremely difficult situation on your hands and you say, “I can’t forgive this!” you may not realize at first that there, handed to you on a silver platter, is an opportunity to receive a measure of anointing that someone else might not ever get! Consider it a challenge and an opportunity; take it with both hands. Welcome the opportunity to forgive the deepest hurt, the greatest injustice, and remember that a greater anointing is waiting for you.

Jesus is talking about a chosen privilege. “If you forgive men”—that is, if you choose to do it. You can choose not to. “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11). Can you think of many other things that can bring glory? Having your funeral conducted at Westminster Abbey? Being knighted? Winning a gold medal in the Olympics? Winning the Nobel Peace Prize? That may be glory, but Proverbs 19:11 says, “It is to a man’s glory to overlook an offense.” That is far more spectacular in God’s eyes than winning any Olympic competition. It is glory to overlook an offense. It requires a crossing-over into the supernatural.

God condemns an unforgiving spirit. “If you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins,” Jesus said. Why do you suppose God so hates an unforgiving spirit? There are three reasons. 1. It shows an indifference to the greatest thing God did.

2. We interrupt God’s purpose in the world: reconciliation.

3. God hates ingratitude.

I will never forget the time that this hit me. Some years ago I saw for the first time John Newton’s hymn: In evil long I took delight, Unawed by shame or fear, Till a new object struck my sight, And stopped my wild career.1

“You don’t belong here,” my mind suggested—and at that point, my eyes fell on these words of William Perkins: “Don’t believe the devil, even when he tells the truth.”

Satan knows what we know. He hangs around day and night, waiting to exploit any weakness he can find in us. The single greatest weakness he loves to see is our inability to forgive. It was in the context of offering forgiveness that Paul said he was not ignorant of Satan’s ways. (See 2 Corinthians 2:11.) Satan can take advantage of us through our bitterness—our refusal to let something drop and our insistence on dwelling on it. It is crucial that we rid our hearts of bitterness lest we hand the devil an invitation on a silver platter to enter our lives.

Nelson Mandela has been asked many times how he emerged from all those years in prison without being bitter. His reply is simple: “Bitterness only hurts oneself.” Oddly, many who are bitter fully realize this, yet they still can’t forgive. They rationally understand that bitterness is self-impoverishing, but they continue to harbor it. How did Nelson Mandela overcome his feelings? The answer can be found in his own words: “If you hate, you will give them your heart and mind. Don’t give those two things away.”

the introduction to this book we noted that the teaching and carrying out of forgiveness has been recognized as valid and therapeutic even outside the realm of the Christian faith. You will recall the Daily Express article about the course in Leeds.1 The reason for this course, which was paid for by a grant from the John Templeton Foundation, was apparently the belief that forgiveness can be good for your health. Holding a grudge, it is said, leads to illnesses ranging from common colds to heart disease because of all the stored-up anger and stress. Dr. Sandi Mann, a psychologist at the University of Central Lancashire, believes that there is a strong link between our emotions and our immune system. All of this goes to show the benefits of forgiving people—even if we were not motivated by Jesus and the New Testament! Here are ten steps to freedom, as found in the Daily Express article: Stop excusing, pardoning, or rationalizing. Pinpoint the actions that have hurt you. Spend time thinking of ways in which your life would be more satisfying if you could let go of your grievances. Try replacing angry thoughts about the “badness” of the perpetrator with thoughts about how the offender is also a human being who is vulnerable to harm. Identify with the offender’s probable state of mind. Understand the perpetrator’s history while not condoning their actions. Spend some time developing greater compassion toward the perpetrator. Become more aware that you have needed other people’...

Gary Thomas, “The Forgiveness Factor,” Christianity Today, vol. 44, no. 1 (10 January 2000): 38.