Not Another Vampire Book (Not Another Vampire #1)

by Cassandra Gannon

“Can we say ‘dark knight’ without the Batman people suing us?” “I doubt it. The Buffy the Vampire Slayer folks probably won’t be thrilled with the lost soul plagiarism, either.”

Slade the Vampire and Damien the Wizard Warlock. No wonder nobody read, anymore.

She already hated Melessa, whatever her hair color. The girl sounded like a real bitch.

Beneath some kind of fancy-looking tree stood… Jack the Ripper?

Wiseass.

“No one speaks to me that way. No one speaks to me, at all.” “Gee, I wonder why?” Her dream man was incredibly hot, but he was also a condescending jerk. Typical.

So, I don’t have a lot of time to be sensitive to your feelings.” He cleared his throat. “I have no feelings beyond my thirst for revenge.” “Uh-huh.”

An aura of darkness that permeated the air as he moved. Wait a minute… ‘An aura of darkness?’ What the hell kind of melodramatic garbage was that? Why would she even think of something so stupid?

Awake or asleep, she had lousy taste in men.

Vlad impaled her with another scowl.

the names she's giving him are cracking me up

“Because you don’t kill anybody this chapter, genius. It’s all about the foreshadowing, so far.”

Only it was a year ahead of schedule, because that idiot Tanya St. Clair screwed up the dates in her book.

That seemed like a logical plan. Way better than rocking in a corner somewhere, crying for lithium.

Good. No need for arson.

Who would want an arranged marriage to a guy named Eugene?

The poor Eugenes of the world

And that was before a rough hand grabbed her arm and pulled her around. “I am Slade.” He whispered. “At last, I’ve found you my Eternal-One.” Then, he kissed her. Passionately.

“Humble, too.” Moron.

The guy was like watching paint admire itself in the mirror as it dried.

“You’re being difficult.” Slade scowled down at her. “Did you not hear what I said? You should be pressing your body against mine, unable to resist our mutual attraction, and asking for my unsurpassed protection. You are an innocent flower caught in a storm.” Kara hissed out an oath. “You’re the one who’s going to need help, if you don’t let me go. I’ve had it with being manhandled. I’m warning you.” “Lean against my mighty shoulder and cry, Eternal-One. You are overwrought.” “No, I’m pissed off because you won’t listen to a damn thing I say. You’re just a macho nut, who wants to bite me!” She jerked against his hold. “Let me go!”

The unmistakable miasma of evil intentions and lost dreams. Kara’s head whirled around to see Dr. Horrible himself looming in the doorway of the barn.

His scar had somehow moved to his forehead, though, probably more of Tanya’s brilliant continuity in action.

Damien scowled down at Kara. “You’re his Eternal-One?” “No! Of course not. He’s just an idiot.”

Damien and Slade both frowned at her as if she’d interrupted their scripted pissing contest.

Apparently deciding she was mentally deficient, he made a ‘here kitty, kitty’ gesture with his hand, trying to coax her forward.

Still, given the option of Cro-Magnon man or Vlad the Impaler, she already knew which guy she felt safer with.

She could give him all kinds of spoilers on the plot if he wanted.

How? She didn’t read the book

“As surprising as it seems, given her attire, she actually has admirable taste.” “You’re making fun of my clothes? The guy who dresses like The Penguin?” “The who?”

She decided to help him out. “Where are we?” It looked like a hotel room. Jeffery Dahmer’s hotel room. Gothic furniture and gargoyles and creepy paintings with moving eyes. Dark, velvet drapes shrouded the windows and the canopy bed looked like a crypt. The kind of place you’d pose the body of your victim for a few candid shots before you ate his skin. “This is my lair.” “Oh geez.”

How could she possibly be stuck in a book where Vampires vacationed in Fiji?

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” Tanya had added neon lights to 1892? Kara stalked over to the window and peered at the anachronism.

Damien’s strangely outspoken, utterly oblivious hostage.

in a way that had Damien’s cold heart shifting in his chest.

Damien,” she turned to look at him for some form of redress, “make him give me back my stuff.”

“Oh gag.” Karalynn glanced up at Damien. “I hate how the guy’s always a sexual tyrannosaurus and the girl’s always a blushing virgin. Doesn’t that bug you? It perpetuates a double standard.”

legendary prowess and massive endowments,

She was right. A trumpet and drum-laden, heroic ode was playing from somewhere. That was… odd.

Not even the Vampire could travel with a full orchestra.

my beloved love.

How did Vampires tan, anyway? He’d never understood that.

More meaningless words, but at least they seemed like praise of some kind.

Oh so he's secretly a golden retriever

Conan

Cackling

💀

Damn, but he loved hearing the truth when it told him just what he wanted to know.

Dont we all buddy

Lestat.

Evolve his own personality. How was that possible?

Does tanya just trap unsuspecting people in books… for fun?

“I’m going to mate with you.” His voice was more rusty than ever. “What else is there to discuss?” He’d apparently missed the fine points of this being a romance novel. The blunt finality of this statement should not have had her insides dipping.

…And dragons attacked the Wild West Show.

Cutting off a dragon’s wings castrated him.

Do what now?

And back to being a blonde.”

💀💀💀