I see now that the underlying anxiety and sense of emptiness have been pervasive. Emotionally they take the shape of chronic, low-grade depression and irritability. On the thought level, they manifest as cynicism—the negative side of the healthy skepticism and independent thinking I’ve always valued. Behaviorally they mask themselves as hypomanic energy or as lethargy, as the constant hankering for activity or for oblivion. When the ordinary, everyday escape mechanisms fail to satisfy, I plunge into my overtly addictive patterns.
