My relationship with Rae loses vitality. Because my internal world is dominated by obsession, I have little to say, and what I do say rings hollow in my own ears. Because my attention is pulled inward, the interest I offer her becomes dutiful, rather than genuine. When I’m in one of my addictive cycles, it’s almost as if I were engaged in a sexual affair, with all the attendant obsession, lying, and manipulation. Above all, I’m absent. It’s impossible to be fully present when you’re putting up walls to keep from being seen. Intimacy and spontaneity are sacrificed. Something’s got to give, and
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