Finally, whenever I have felt wooden or alienated in the intimate areas of life, I’ve seen myself as deprived, rather than owning the reality that I create the sense of deprivation internally. For example, I have blamed my wife, Rae, for not satisfying my expectations instead of taking responsibility for the burdens I impose on our relationship through poor self-regulation and lack of differentiation (my capacity to hold on to a sense of self while interacting with Rae and others). That leaves me free to use the addictions for self-soothing and to justify doing so by citing my “unmet” needs.
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Boom.
