Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior

by Mark Goulston

Realizing that her mother’s controlling nature was a misguided attempt to be close to her daughter allowed Carolyn to be more receptive.

“A true friend unbosoms freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably.” —WILLIAM PENN

Tell a core-of-hater your goals and aspirations, and he will try to deflate your enthusiasm and maybe even root against you.

People with a core of hurt are more frustrating than hurtful. Being with them is like walking on eggshells; unless you’re extra careful not to hurt their feelings, you’ll end up feeling guilty. They take everything personally, but instead of lashing out they fall apart and retreat, making you feel sorry for them.

There are, of course, many reasons people procrastinate: self-doubt, boredom, fear of failure, the feeling of being unready or unprepared and so on. But these feelings, by themselves, don’t necessarily lead to procrastination. Often what tips the scales is going through them alone, with no one to help you, bolster you, or cheer you on. You might curse yourself for being lazy, or cowardly, or lacking in confidence, but your real obstacle might be loneliness, especially if you procrastinate mainly on solitary tasks.

The key to overcoming loneliness-based procrastination is to enlist the support of other people.

“No human being can really understand another, and no one can arrange another’s happiness.” —GRAHAM GREENE

It’s exasperating to be misunderstood, so we explain ourselves again and again. And again. Then the frustration escalates to anger, because even more upsetting than not being understood is feeling that the other person isn’t even trying to understand.

“The human understanding is like a false mirror, which, receiving rays irregularly, distorts and discolors the nature of things by mingling its own nature with it.” —FRANCIS BACON

Feeling is more powerful than meaning. If you are willing to make the effort to feel what others are feeling—and to help them feel what you feel—you can use analogies to create empathy.

Unfortunately, it often takes a tragedy to make us look honestly at our lives. Tragedies trigger reevaluation and regret, sometimes too late to make things right.

You can gain momentary relief from venting your anger, but often at the risk of doing something you later regret, and losing the moral high ground in the bargain. The opposite choice—to suppress the anger—is equally dangerous, because the feeling will fester and perhaps lead to depression or psychosomatic illness.

convert the anger to conviction and act on the basis of principle.

“I understand a fury in your words, But not the words.” —SHAKESPEARE

Anger makes you wild, but conviction makes you strong.

your wariness can make you so uptight and guarded that others find it takes too much effort to deal with you.

The best way to achieve forgiveness is to stop thinking about the grudge itself and focus on accomplishing important goals.

To look where you are going is to be motivated by fear; to go where you are looking is to be driven by desire, confidence and vision.

When no one is attacking you, being defensive comes across as offensive.

Violations are not only easier to spot, but we deliberately look for them because they serve a purpose: they give us an excuse to cut back our own efforts. They also justify our anger.

Don’t bring up past offenses. It’s a waste of time and possibly an invitation to a fight.

Hatred keeps you on guard.

Beneath hatred is usually anger; beneath anger is frustration; beneath frustration is hurt; beneath hurt is fear.

one setback does not cancel out the skills that brought you this far.

if you criticize yourself strongly enough, nothing anyone else can say will possibly be as bad.

Allow yourself to hate the mistake you’ve made, but not to hate yourself.

Your well-being should not depend on another person changing.

“I’m an adult, and I don’t want to do things out of fear or intimidation.”

being okay doesn’t mean feeling okay all the time. Rather, it means being able to experience appropriate feelings without denial, self-deception or repression.

acknowledging bad feelings doesn’t mean you have to do anything about them. In fact, telling yourself you feel bad actually diminishes the need to act. It stifles the impulse to take sudden, precipitous action, which could make things worse.

Admitting that you’re not okay requires a leap of faith. You have to believe that the temporary discomfort of owning up to the feeling is better than the long-term consequences of repression and avoidance.

If you decide to let someone else know you feel bad, indicate exactly how bad. You can do this by saying, “It feels so bad it makes me want to_____.” Such examples show rather than tell about feelings, making them more understandable to others. Others will listen better and will probably offer the empathy you deserve.

An obsession is an unconscious attempt to turn an overwhelming feeling into a thought. You replay the thought pattern over and over to divert your mind until the discomfort passes. But the effect is much like treading water: you waste a lot of energy and end up getting no-where.

compulsion is, in a sense, an addiction to a dysfunctional way of coping.

“There are offences given and offences not given but taken.” —IZAAK WALTON

Taking something personally means assuming that a particular remark or action was intended to hurt you.

Failing to consider the other person’s true intention is a good way to ruin a relationship. Instead of reflecting and responding appropriately, you merely react, either retaliating or becoming defensive, sullen or petulant. Such responses not only obscure the legitimate reasons for your concern but poison the other person’s response to your legitimate grievances. And, when you realize what you’ve done, you end up feeling ashamed in the bargain.

Don’t take it personally, take it seriously.

most of our expectations are fair and reasonable. However, they are not always realistic.

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached.” —SIMONE WEIL

If you are going to take on long shots, it is not only vital to have the wherewithal to achieve them but to make sure you can handle failure.

If you spread yourself too thin, you not only risk burnout but the scorn and anger of people who expect you to be there for them.

as long as everyone is making a sincere effort to be fair, you and the people in your life should cut each other some slack. The way society is structured, the amount of time we spend on something often bears no relation to the true value we assign to it.

Show respect for them and faith in their ability to handle problems. Instead of leaping in with advice, ask questions such as “What do you think you’ll do next?” or “When will you let them know your decision?”

We fear that if we try to hold the other person accountable, we will seem demanding and drive him or her away. Unfortunately, if we fail to express disapproval, the unacceptable traits can become habitual. Our resentment builds, and we eventually end up overreacting. Then we seem more than demanding; we seem abrasive and intolerant.

The next time you find yourself putting up a false front, ask yourself why you would want to be around someone who likes what you’re not.

can also be self-defeating to envy others their success, status, luck, good looks or any other attribute.

envy contains energy that can be converted into either destructive or constructive forces. It can desolate or motivate. It can turn you into a complainer or a competitor. Envy creates a gap within you. If you wallow in that gap, you will fall further back. But if you fill the gap with constructive action, envy can drive you forward.

“You can’t wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time.” —PAT SCHROEDER

“Woe is me” is not compatible with hope. Feeling sorry for yourself consumes energy that could be used to turn your life around.