Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior

by Mark Goulston

People who were abused as children tend to get angry and strike out at the world. People who were neglected tend to feel defeated and withdraw from the world. People who were not given guidance tend to lack confidence and self-reliance.

“We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.” —FRANÇCLOIS, DUC DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD

out

but

“The excursion is the same when you go looking for your sorrow as when you go looking for your joy.” —EUDORA WELTY

“The key to success is tolerating boredom.” It requires revising, fine tuning, getting the bugs out. If you get excited only by novelty, if you can’t tolerate the tedious part of the process, you’ll lose patience and quit.

“Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance.” —SAMUEL JOHNSON

momentos

mementos

“I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument while the song I came to sing remains unsung.” —RABINDRANATH TAGORE

When people are upset, there are usually two components: they are frustrated by the situation itself and they feel alone. We don’t realize this because what we hear is, “I have a problem.” It sounds as if they’re asking for help, so we respond by offering advice. But often what they want first and foremost is simply to feel less alone. They want to see that you care. If you try to fix things without first acknowledging and empathizing with their anguish, it appears to them that you’re being clinical, distant and intellectual, that you’re simply trying to avoid their pain.

The challenge is not to eliminate discomfort, but to recognize when you are as ready as you will ever be. If you wait until you are perfectly at ease, you may wait so long that life will pass you by.