Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

by Adele Faber

I didn’t want them hung up all their lives on who was right and who was wrong. I wanted them to be able to move past that kind of thinking and learn how to really listen to each other, how to respect the differences between them, how to find the ways to resolve those differences. Even if their personalities were such that they never could be friends, at least they would have the power to make a friend and be a friend.”

Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.

Thinking back to my own childhood and fighting with my brother: I just realized that while i was constantly reminded things like, "One day you'll only have each other," i don't think i was ever really invited to share about my negative feelings towards him. I was punished for being mean or fighting and told how i should feel, but it wasn't a thing to openly express jealousy, anger, or irritation.

We don’t want to shortchange the child who is excited about her accomplishment. Yet we do want to be sensitive to the feelings of the others. You’ll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling (‘You must be so proud of yourself!’) or what the child has accomplished (‘A lot of practice and perseverance went into winning that medal’). “The trick is not to add, ‘I’m so thrilled, I can’t wait to tell Dad and all the neighbors.’ The passion and excitement you feel about a child’s achievement should be saved for a moment when just the two of you are together. It’s too much for the other siblings to have to listen to.”

protect our favored child, as well, from the pressure of having to maintain his position

“I was an older sister who always considered my little brother a big pest. As a result, I get very uptight whenever I see my son bothering his older sister and right away accuse him of being a ‘pest.’ I guess I identify with my daughter.

Same, same

something about treating our children, not as they are, but as we hoped they would become. That thought revolutionized my thinking. It freed me to look at my boys with new eyes. What did I hope them to become?

‘David,’ I said fiercely, ‘you have a superior capacity to be nice. Use it!’

My son, Jonathan, has cerebral palsy, and no matter how much we try to help him, he’s constantly frustrated by what he can’t do. He’s always angry—at me, his father, his sister, but most of all at himself. I would say his identity is very much tied up with his cerebral palsy.” The group was hushed. Stymied. The problems presented by these mothers seemed too extreme to yield to any of the skills we talked about here. Very gently, someone asked Jonathan’s mother, “How does your daughter react to all this?” “Oh, Jennifer is wonderful, just wonderful! She makes very few demands upon me.” Almost everyone looked relieved. Except one man. He was scowling. “I’m sure she is wonderful,” he snapped, “but she shouldn’t have to worry about being wonderful. It’s not fair to her. She’s a kid. She should feel free to make demands. She shouldn’t have to tiptoe through her childhood in order to compensate for her brother’s problem.”

“What I’m seeing now is that it’s up to the parent to set the tone, to make it clear that no one in the family is ‘the problem.’” “Some of us might have greater needs or greater challenges, but we all need to be accepted as we are.” “And each of us is capable of growth and change.” “Which doesn’t mean we won’t have problems, but we’ll deal with each problem as it comes up. The important thing is to believe in ourselves.” “And believe in each other.” “And support each other, like a team. Because that’s what being a family is all about.”

My loud, forceful description of what I saw them about to do stunned them and stopped them. My strong conviction that no hurting would be allowed in our home overrode their rage at each other. And in the end I saw that they were grateful to have a parent who cared enough about them to protect them from each other.”

‘Is this a play fight, or a real fight?’ Sometimes they’ll answer, ‘It’s a play fight,’ and two minutes later you’ll hear crying. That’s your cue to return and say, ‘I can see this has turned into a real fight with real hurting, and that I won’t permit. It’s time to separate.’”

We intervene, not for the purpose of settling their argument or making a judgment, but to open the blocked channels of communication so that they can go back to dealing with each other.”

“What eases the tension, what makes harmony possible, is the attitude of ‘Who needs what? . . . Who feels what? . . . What solutions can be worked out that take everyone’s feelings and needs into account?’ We’re not so much interested in technicalities as we are in each other’s well being. “We haven’t got all the answers yet. All we have is a direction. Basically we try not to interfere, but when we must step in, it’s always with the thought that at the earliest possible moment we want to turn the children back to dealing with each other. That’s the best preparation we can give them for the rest of their lives.”

The minute I heard the first put-down, I stopped them. I said, “Hey, no toxic talk!” Or, “That’s a killer statement.” Or, “You have a choice, kids—pleasant conversation or no conversation!” I also told them that tomorrow I wanted them to come to dinner prepared with an interesting topic for discussion. I made it clear that I expected each of them to make a “contribution” to the good mood of our family.

Thank goodness, you’re trustworthy.’ “‘At least you’ve got your head on straight.’ “‘I’m glad I have one child who is responsible.’ “And I dragged up everytime I tried to rebel, like when I cut school once in the fifth grade, or when I refused to play the piano for company, and how all I ever heard was, ‘That’s not like you, dear.’ I couldn’t give enough examples of how invisible I felt. No wonder I didn’t know who I was half the time.

A Policy about Property “I don’t want to live in a family where we wrangle over every little thing. I think it’s important to establish a general policy about property. I explain to my children (three and four-and-a-half) that most of the things in the house are for sharing. For instance, Daddy just bought himself a set of screwdrivers, but if I need to use one Dad won’t say, ‘No, you can’t. It’s mine.’ And I just bought myself a new blender, but if Dad wants to use it, that’s fine with me. I’d never say, ‘Don’t you dare touch it; it’s mine.’ So the general idea is that most things in the family can be used by anyone who happens to want or need them. “But I also explained that some things are so special or so new or so delicate—like the camera Dad got for his birthday, or my new guitar—that they’re not for sharing. Those things we keep in a special place and you have to ask permission if you want to use them. So, if there are any toys you don’t want anyone else to touch or use, you can let each other know what they are and where you plan to keep them, and we’ll respect that.”