Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

by Adele Faber

“we can see how comforting it is to have someone who will listen to our negative feelings. Children are no different. They need to be able to air their feelings and wishes about their siblings. Even the unsavory ones.”

“It’s important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,” I replied. “We permit children to express all their feelings. We don’t permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.”

I tell my three-year-old, “Don’t hit your sister. Go in your room and hit your dolly instead.” But she refuses and still goes for the baby. Should I continue using this approach? There’s a difference between sending a child away from you and instructing her to hit her doll, and inviting a child to express her feelings through the use of her doll as you watch. A more helpful statement would be, “I can’t let you hurt the baby, but you can show me what you’re feeling with your doll.” The key words are “show me.” As the child shakes her finger at the doll, or pummels it, the parent can give words to what the child is trying to express. “You really are annoyed with your sister.”

“I can’t let you pinch the baby, but you can tell me with words how mad you are. You can say, very loud, ‘I’m MAD!!’”

Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.

Whatever you want to tell this child can be said directly, without any reference to his brother. The key word is describe. Describe what you see. Or describe what you like. Or describe what you don’t like. Or describe what needs to be done. The important thing is to stick with the issue of this one child’s behavior. Nothing his brother is or isn’t doing has anything to do with him.”

“Children often experience praise of a brother or sister as a put-down of themselves. They automatically translate, ‘Your brother is so considerate’ into ‘Mom thinks I’m not.’ It’s a good idea to save our enthusiastic comments for the ear of the deserving child.”

You’ll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling (‘You must be so proud of yourself!’) or what the child has accomplished (‘A lot of practice and perseverance went into winning that medal’).

“To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely—for one’s own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”

By valuing and being partial to each child’s individuality, we make sure that each of our children feels like a number one

Let’s be wary of statements like, ‘He’s the musician in the family’ . . . ‘She’s the scholar’ . . . ‘He’s the athlete’ . . . ‘She’s the artist.’ No child should be allowed to corner the market on any area of human endeavor. We want to make it clear to each of our children that the joys of scholarship, dance, drama, poetry, sport are for everyone and not reserved for those who have a special aptitude.”

treating our children, not as they are, but as we hoped they would become.

One father reported that the tattling stopped in his home when he stopped judging and punishing. He said he told his kids that he expected them to really listen to each other and work out their differences on their own. But if they’ve made a good-faith effort and they’re still stuck, he’s always there to help. He was careful to add, “If any one of you sees someone doing something that could be dangerous, then you’re to report to Mom or me as fast as your legs can carry you. We all have to look out for each other’s safety in this family.”