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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Adele Faber
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December 21, 2022 - January 1, 2023
Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings. A circuitous route to sibling harmony. And yet, the most direct.
You’ll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling (‘You must be so proud of yourself!’) or what the child has accomplished (‘A lot of practice and perseverance went into winning that medal’).
Instead of comparing one child favorably to another. (“You’re so much neater than your brother”) speak only about the behavior that pleases you.
By valuing and being partial to each child’s individuality, we make sure that each of our children feels like a number one child.”
Show the child he or she is loved uniquely “You are the only ‘you’ in the whole wide world. No one could ever take your place.”
I think we tend to project our own weaknesses onto our children. I know I’m always accusing my son of being a ‘procrastinator,’ yet I’m the world’s champion at putting things off.”
So the next time the girls had their weekend with me, I told them all to take pillows and sit on the floor in the living room. Then I explained that we were going to be doing something special tonight. Each of us would have a turn to say three things we liked about the others, and I would write down what they said, on a separate paper for each girl. I told them we’d start with Rachel. Amy said, “Rachel’s nice.”
HOW TO HANDLE THE FIGHTING Level I: Normal Bickering. 1. Ignore it. Think about your next vacation. 2. Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution. Level II: Situation Heating up. Adult Intervention Might Be Helpful 1. Acknowledge their anger. “You two sound mad at each other!” 2. Reflect each child’s point of view. “So Sara, you want to keep on holding the puppy, because he’s just settled down in your arms. And you Billy, feel you’re entitled to a turn too.” 3. Describe the problem with respect. “That’s a tough one: Two children and only one puppy.” 4.
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they’ll need to know how to share—goods, space, themselves. And for spiritual reasons as well. We want our children to experience the pleasure and goodwill that comes from voluntary giving. Making children share, however, only makes them clutch their possessions more tightly. Forced sharing undermines goodwill.
WHEN THE CHILDREN CAN’T WORK OUT A PROBLEM BY THEMSELVES 1. Call a meeting of the antagonists. Explain the purpose and the ground rules. 2. Write down each child’s feelings and concerns, and read them aloud. 3. Allow time for rebuttal. 4. Invite everyone to come up with solutions. Write down all ideas without evaluating. 5. Decide upon the solutions you all can live with. 6. Follow-up.
A Policy about Property “I don’t want to live in a family where we wrangle over every little thing. I think it’s important to establish a general policy about property. I explain to my children (three and four-and-a-half) that most of the things in the house are for sharing. For instance, Daddy just bought himself a set of screwdrivers, but if I need to use one Dad won’t say, ‘No, you can’t. It’s mine.’ And I just bought myself a new blender, but if Dad wants to use it, that’s fine with me. I’d never say, ‘Don’t you dare touch it; it’s mine.’ So the general idea is that most things in the
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There could be a hundred toys in the room, but somehow the best toy is the toy in someone else’s hands.’
It really is easier for a child to change his behavior when someone accepts his strong feelings.
Make sure that each child gets some time alone with you several times a week. In today’s rushed, impersonal world, some time alone is essential. Children thrive on the warmth and intimacy of private moments with their parents. This one-on-one connection provides the emotional nourishment kids need to be more caring or at the very least more tolerant of their siblings.
When spending time with one child, don’t talk about the other.
Don’t lock the children into their position in the family constellation (oldest, youngest, middle). Allow each child the opportunity to experience some of the privileges and responsibilities of the other.
Don’t get trapped by “togetherness.” The picture of a whole family enjoying an outing together is appealing. But for some children the pressure of having to spend long stretches of time in the company of a brother or sister can put additional stress upon an already strained relationship. (Not to mention what extended time with bickering children can do to the nerves of parents.)
Let each child know what it is about him that his siblings like or admire.
Schedule family meetings.
