Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

by Adele Faber

The experts in the field seem to agree that at the root of sibling jealousy is each child’s deep desire for the exclusive love of his parents.

We can either intensify the competition or reduce it. We can drive hostile feelings underground or allow them to be vented safely.

Our attitude and words have power. When the Battle of the Siblings begins, we need no longer feel frustrated, crazed, or helpless. Armed with new skills and new understanding, we can lead the rivals toward peace.

“we can see how comforting it is to have someone who will listen to our negative feelings. Children are no different. They need to be able to air their feelings and wishes about their siblings. Even the unsavory ones.”

It’s important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,” I replied. “We permit children to express all their feelings. We don’t permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.”

GIVE CHILDREN IN FANTASY WHAT THEY DON’T HAVE IN REALITY.

Express what the child might wish.

Show better ways to express anger.

Most children experience a mixture of emotions toward their siblings and become uncomfortable or resentful when told they feel only hatred. A more helpful statement would be, “It seems to me that you have two feelings about your brother. Sometimes you like him a lot and sometimes he makes you mad as the dickens.”

In order to help a child stop spinning his wheels in his own fury, it helps to restate his emotions in language that will enable him to move forward. Any of the following might help: “I can hear how angry you are at David.” “Something he did really bugged you.” “Something he said must have infuriated you!” “Would you like to tell me more about it?”

can’t let you pinch the baby, but you can tell me with words how mad you are. You can say, very loud, ‘I’m MAD!!’”

If it happens again, give me a signal, like a wink, and I’ll wink back at you. Then you’ll know that I know. It’ll be our secret.”

There will be times for all of us when we will have no tolerance for listening. And it’s important for our children to know that. You can tell your daughter, “I hear how upset you are with your brother, but right now it’s hard for me to listen. Let’s sit down after dinner and talk about it.”

Sometimes when a Mommy has a baby, their other children think their Mommy doesn’t love them anymore. If you ever think that, you come and tell me right away and I’ll give you a special hug.”