Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

by Adele Faber

When the new wife finally arrives, you see that she’s very young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. “Isn’t she adorable! Hello sweetheart . . . You are precious!” Then they turn to you and ask, “How do you like the new wife?”

“I want to know how you feel . . . because your feelings are very important to me.”

“we can see how comforting it is to have someone who will listen to our negative feelings. Children are no different. They need to be able to air their feelings and wishes about their siblings. Even the unsavory ones.”

“It’s important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,” I replied. “We permit children to express all their feelings. We don’t permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.”

tell her to put her anger in her voice instead of her hands.”

“This is too much for me. It’d be easier to send the kids to a therapist once a week.” “Once a week? With what goes on between mine, I’d need a sleep-in therapist.”

“It seems to me that you have two feelings about your brother. Sometimes you like him a lot and sometimes he makes you mad as the dickens.”

“I’m sure you can imagine how that would feel if that were done to you.”

“I hear how upset you are with your brother, but right now it’s hard for me to listen. Let’s sit down after dinner and talk about it.”

“I’m glad you told me, Tara. Do you think that maybe with a new baby, Mommy won’t have time for you?” She nodded her head. I said, “When you feel like that, come and tell me, and then I’ll make time for you.”

Dorothy Baruch’s persistent theme: Not till the bad feelings come out can the good ones come in.

Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.

‘Never compare yourself to others. You’ll become either vain or bitter.’

The key word is describe. Describe what you see. Or describe what you like. Or describe what you don’t like. Or describe what needs to be done. The important thing is to stick with the issue of this one child’s behavior. Nothing his brother is or isn’t doing has anything to do with him.”

“Children often experience praise of a brother or sister as a put-down of themselves. They automatically translate, ‘Your brother is so considerate’ into ‘Mom thinks I’m not.’ It’s a good idea to save our enthusiastic comments for the ear of the deserving child.”

You’ll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling (‘You must be so proud of yourself!’) or what the child has accomplished (‘A lot of practice and perseverance went into winning that medal’).

the story of the young wife who suddenly turned to her husband and asked, “Who do you love more? Your mother or me?” Had he answered, “I love you both the same,” he would have been in big trouble. But instead he said, “My mother is my mother. You’re the fascinating, sexy woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

“To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely—for one’s own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”

“The trouble is, kids don’t respond to logic when they’re upset. They need some attention for what they’re feeling: ‘Claudia, it can be hard to watch your sister get new pajamas when you’re not. And even though you know all the reasons why she needs them and you don’t, it can still bother you.’”

We all experience feelings of partiality towards one child or another, at one time or another. The problem is how to make sure we don’t show favoritism.

We all know that Cain slew Abel when the Lord showed more “respect” for Abel’s offering. And we also know that Joseph’s brethren threw him into a pit in the wilderness because their father loved Joseph more and gave him a coat of many colors. That was a long time ago, but the feelings that provoked those violent acts are eternal and universal.

By valuing and being partial to each child’s individuality, we make sure that each of our children feels like a number one child.”

CHILDREN DON’T NEED TO BE TREATED EQUALLY. THEY NEED TO BE TREATED UNIQUELY.

too. I think we tend to project our own weaknesses onto our children. I know I’m always accusing my son of being a ‘procrastinator,’ yet I’m the world’s champion at putting things off.”

treating our children, not as they are, but as we hoped they would become.

Instead I took him by his shoulders, spun him around, and fixed my eyes upon him. ‘David,’ I said fiercely, ‘you have a superior capacity to be nice. Use it!’

“The point you made earlier is true: Children are born with different personality traits. But as parents we have the power to influence those traits, to give nature a helping hand. Let’s use our power wisely. Let’s not place our children in roles that will defeat them.”

this a play fight, or a real fight?’ Sometimes they’ll answer, ‘It’s a play fight,’ and two minutes later you’ll hear crying. That’s your cue to return and say, ‘I can see this has turned into a real fight with real hurting, and that I won’t permit. It’s time to separate.’”

“You’re getting through to me,” I said. “And I feel you’re making an important point. Children should be encouraged to share, and for very practical reasons. Just to get along in this world, they’ll need to know how to share—goods, space, themselves. And for spiritual reasons as well. We want our children to experience the pleasure and goodwill that comes from voluntary giving. Making children share, however, only makes them clutch their possessions more tightly. Forced sharing undermines goodwill.

(“Kids, I bought one bottle of bubble soap for everyone. What’s the best way to share it?”)

By pointing out the advantages of sharing. (“If you give her half of your red crayon, and she gives you half of her blue crayon, you’ll both be able to make purple.”)

By allowing time for inner process. (“Lucy will let you know when sh...

By showing appreciation for sharing when it occurs spontaneously. (“Thank you for giving me a bite of yo...

Another problem with tossing a coin is that you get a winner and a loser—usually a sore loser.