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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Adele Faber
I didn’t want them hung up all their lives on who was right and who was wrong. I wanted them to be able to move past that kind of thinking and learn how to really listen to each other, how to respect the differences between them, how to find the ways to resolve those differences. Even if their personalities were such that they never could be friends, at least they would have the power to make a friend and be a friend.”
“You take as much time as you want to tell me about what’s bothering you.” And finally: “I want to know how you feel . . . because your feelings are very important to me.”
“we can see how comforting it is to have someone who will listen to our negative feelings. Children are no different. They need to be able to air their feelings and wishes about their siblings. Even the unsavory ones.”
“It’s important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,” I replied. “We permit children to express all their feelings. We don’t permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.”
BROTHERS AND SISTERS NEED TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT EACH OTHER ACKNOWLEDGED
Lately I’ve been asking him, “How would you like it if she did that to you?” But he never answers me. Why is that? The question puts him on the spot. Were he to answer you honestly, he’d have to admit that he wouldn’t like it. If you want your son to be able to consider another point of view, make a simple statement that gives him credit: “I’m sure you can imagine how that would feel if that were done to you.” Now he has to think, “Can I imagine it? What would it feel like?” But he doesn’t have to answer to anyone except himself. And that’s good enough.
There will be times for all of us when we will have no tolerance for listening. And it’s important for our children to know that. You can tell your daughter, “I hear how upset you are with your brother, but right now it’s hard for me to listen. Let’s sit down after dinner and talk about it.”
I said, “I’m glad you told me, Tara. Do you think that maybe with a new baby, Mommy won’t have time for you?” She nodded her head. I said, “When you feel like that, come and tell me, and then I’ll make time for you.”
Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.
Whenever I was tempted to compare one child to another, I would say to myself, ‘STOP! DON’T! Whatever you want to tell this child can be said directly, without any reference to his brother. The key word is describe.
“Children often experience praise of a brother or sister as a put-down of themselves. They automatically translate, ‘Your brother is so considerate’ into ‘Mom thinks I’m not.’ It’s a good idea to save our enthusiastic comments for the ear of the deserving child.”
“But what can you do when one child tells you about something special she did and all the others are standing there listening?” “That’s a tough one. We don’t want to shortchange the child who is excited about her accomplishment. Yet we do want to be sensitive to the feelings of the others. You’ll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling (‘You must be so proud of yourself!’) or what the child has accomplished (‘A lot of practice and perseverance went into winning that medal’). “The trick is not to add, ‘I’m so thrilled, I can’t wait to tell Dad and all the
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The passion and excitement you feel about a child’s achievement should be saved for a moment when just the two of you are together. It’s too much for...
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“To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely—for one’s own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”
By valuing and being partial to each child’s individuality, we make sure that each of our children feels like a number one child.”
treating our children, not as they are, but as we hoped they would become.
Our task would be two-fold: to free the bully to be compassionate; to free the victim to be strong.
The first thing we did was give up the labels altogether. No more “big boy” and “baby.” Now it’s Michael and Julie.
1. Start by acknowledging the children’s anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them. 2. Listen to each child’s side with respect. 3. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem. 4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution. 5. Leave the room.
“If you’re not sure,” I said, “it’s a good idea to ask the children outright, ‘Is this a play fight, or a real fight?’
Play fighting only by mutual consent. If someone isn’t enjoying the roughhousing, then it has to stop. It’s important to establish the value that one child should not be taking his pleasure at the expense of the other.”
“Children should have the freedom to resolve their own differences. Children are also entitled to adult intervention when necessary. If one child is being abused by the other, either physically or verbally, we’ve got to step in. If there’s a problem that’s disrupting the entire household, we’ve got to step in. If there’s a problem that keeps coming up that hasn’t yielded to their solutions, we’ve got to step in.
“But here’s the difference: We intervene, not for the purpose of settling their argument or making a judgment, but to open the blocked channels of communication so that they can go back to dealing with each other.”
We want our children to experience the pleasure and goodwill that comes from voluntary giving. Making children share, however, only makes them clutch their possessions more tightly. Forced sharing undermines goodwill.
“What eases the tension, what makes harmony possible, is the attitude of ‘Who needs what? . . . Who feels what? . . . What solutions can be worked out that take everyone’s feelings and needs into account?’ We’re not so much interested in technicalities as we are in each other’s well being.
Basically we try not to interfere, but when we must step in, it’s always with the thought that at the earliest possible moment we want to turn the children back to dealing with each other. That’s the best preparation we can give them for the rest of their lives.”
when you’re spending time alone with one child, it isn’t a good idea to talk about another?
while punishment might stop the aggressor temporarily, the long-term effect would be to worsen the relationship. The aggressor now has reason to be even more resentful of his sibling, whom he sees as the cause of his punishment.
Honey, if it comes from me, it will just make him madder at you. You need to tell him yourself—what you told me just now. You said it very clearly. He doesn’t have to embarrass you or push you. If he wants to be alone with his friends, all he has to do is ask you to leave in a nice way and you’ll go.
