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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
John Gray
Read between
November 24, 2019 - September 10, 2020
Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.
She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.
when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.
It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a woman’s feelings to always be rational and logical.
Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
Rejection, judgment, and abandonment are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs, or wishes.
Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness.
Here on Earth, when a little girl experiences her mother receiving love, then automatically she feels worthy. She is able easily to overcome the Venusian compulsion to give too much. She doesn’t have to overcome a fear of receiving because she identifies so closely with her mother. If her mother has learned this wisdom then the child automatically learns it through observing and sharing her mother’s feelings. If the mother is open to receive, then the child learns how to receive.
they don’t have to give more to have a better relationship. Their partner actually will give them more if they give less.
This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure.
support me by saying caring, acknowledging, and reassuring statements such as: ‘Tell me more’ or ‘That’s right’ or ‘I know what you mean’ or ‘I understand.’ Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: ‘oh,’ ‘humph,’ ‘uh-huh,’ and ‘hmmm.’ ” (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)
But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently “mull over” or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it. This process could take from minutes to hours. And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all.
Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying “I don’t know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it.”
Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react.
Although listening is an important skill to practice, some days a man is too sensitive or stressed to translate the intended meaning of her phrases. At such times he should not even attempt to listen. Instead he could kindly say “This isn’t a good time for me. Let’s talk later.”
If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close.
A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.
When a man gets too close and doesn’t pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness, irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness.
The macho man has no problem pulling away. He just can’t come back and open up. Deep inside he may be afraid he is unworthy of love. He is afraid of being close and caring a lot. He does not have a picture of how welcomed he would be if he got closer.
A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible.
The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down.
When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.
Telling a woman she shouldn’t feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say.
Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.
“A wealthy woman can only get empathy from a wealthy psychiatrist.”
Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want.
An understanding attitude doesn’t presume to already know a person’s thoughts or feelings; instead, it gathers meaning from what is heard, and moves toward validating what is being communicated.
A woman thrives when she feels adored and special. A man fulfills her need to be loved in this way when he makes her feelings and needs more important than his other interests—like work, study, and recreation.
A man’s validating attitude confirms a woman’s right to feel the way she does. (It is important to remember one can validate her point of view while having a different point of view.)
Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn him off.
Remember: if you make sacrifices hoping he will do the same for you then he will feel pressured to change.
Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner’s attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.
He has no idea that he is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expressions, which are hurtful to her.
Rather than arguing, some couples will simply stop talking about their disagreements. Their way of trying to get what they want is to punish their partner by withholding love.
Men and women commonly argue about money, sex, decisions, scheduling, values, child rearing, and household responsibilities. These discussions and negotiations, however, turn into painful arguments for only one reason—we are not feeling loved.
Most men are too ashamed to admit how much they need approval. They may go to great lengths to prove they don’t care. But why do they immediately become cold, distant, and defensive when they lose a woman’s approval? Because not getting what they need hurts.
Many people have the idea that love means “saying it like it is.” This overly direct approach, however, does not take into account the listener’s feelings. One can still be honest and direct about feelings but express them in a way that doesn’t offend or hurt.
Remember that when a woman gives with a smile on her face it doesn’t necessarily mean the score is close to even.
A major source of love for a man is the loving reaction that a woman has to his behavior. He has a love tank too, but his is not necessarily filled by what she does for him. Instead it is mainly filled by how she reacts to him or how she feels about him.
a woman needs to remember men are from Mars and don’t know what women need; they need to be told.
The biggest problem in relationships occurs when a woman shares her upset feelings and, as a result, a man feels unloved.
To expect communication always to be easy is unrealistic. Some feelings are very difficult to communicate without hurting the listener.
No matter how perfect our parents were, nobody is really perfect. If you have problems communicating, it is neither a curse nor all your partner’s fault. It is simply a lack of having the correct training and the safety to practice.
Most physical diseases are now widely accepted as being directly related to our unresolved emotional pain. Suppressed emotional pain generally becomes physical pain or sickness and can cause premature death.
Even if you are in a relationship and you feel you can talk about anything, I still recommend privately writing down your feelings sometimes.
she assumes that if her partner loves her, he will offer his support and she won’t have to ask. She may even purposefully not ask as a test to see if he really loves her.
A gift of love is a favor. When a man feels he is doing you a favor, he is then giving from his heart.
men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no.
When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that, and next time he will be much more willing to give. On the other hand, if you quietly sacrifice your needs and don’t ask, he won’t have any idea how many times he is needed. How could he know if you don’t ask?
A relationship is healthy when both partners have permission to ask for what they want and need, and they both have permission to say no if they choose.
