Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Sunday Times Bestsellar and definitive relationship guide (181 POCHE)

by John Gray

It is not what we say that hurts but how we say it.

It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument.

“the best defense is a strong offense.”

Men rarely say “I’m sorry” because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing. Women, however, say “I’m sorry” as a way to say “I care about what you are feeling.”

Making some of these changes may at first feel awkward or even manipulative. Many people have the idea that love means “saying it like it is.” This overly direct approach, however, does not take into account the listener’s feelings. One can still be honest and direct about feelings but express them in a way that doesn’t offend or hurt.

The most difficult part of the above process is knowing what hurt him. For the most part, when a man withdraws into his cave, he doesn’t know what hurt him. Then, when he comes out, he generally doesn’t talk about it. How is a woman supposed to know what actually hurts his feelings? Reading this book and understanding how men need love differently is a good beginning and gives you an edge that women have never had before.

A man may become so angry at a woman when he has made the mistake and the woman is upset. His upset is proportional to the size of his mistake. A little mistake makes him less defensive, while a big mistake makes him much more defensive. Sometimes women wonder why a man doesn’t say he is sorry for a big mistake. The answer is he is afraid of not being forgiven. It is too painful to acknowledge that he has failed her in some way. Instead of saying he is sorry he may become angry with her for being upset and give her penalty points.

Sometimes women object to writing Response Letters. They expect their partners to know what to say. They have a hidden feeling that says “I don’t want to tell him what I need; if he really loves me he will know.” In this case a woman needs to remember men are from Mars and don’t know what women need; they need to be told.

Many couples mistakenly think that their inability to communicate successfully and lovingly means they don’t love each other enough. Certainly love has a lot to do with it, but communication skill is a much more important ingredient. Fortunately, it’s a learnable skill.

Books can inspire you to love yourself more, but by listening to, writing out, or verbally expressing your feelings you are actually doing it.

On Venus their motto is “Love is never having to ask!”

Some women will resent a man simply because they have to ask for his support. Then, when they do ask, even if he says yes and gives her some support, she will still resent that she had to ask. She feels “If I have to ask, it doesn’t count.”

One way women are sure to relate to the significant difference between would and could is to reflect for a moment on this romantic scene. Imagine a man proposing marriage to a woman. His heart is full, like the moon shining above. Kneeling before her, he reaches out to hold her hands. Then he gazes up into her eyes and gently says, “Could you marry me?” Immediately the romance is gone. Using the c word he appears weak and unworthy. In that moment, he reeks of insecurity and low self-esteem. If instead he said “Would you marry me?” then both his strength and vulnerability are present. That is the way to propose.

It is a paradox: because you feel safe with your partner, your deepest fears have a chance to surface. When they surface you become afraid and are unable to share what you feel.

remember that love is seasonal. In spring it is easy, but in summer it is hard work. In autumn you may feel very generous and fulfilled, but in winter you will feel empty.