Emotional Intelligence

by Daniel Goleman

use their social polish more in keeping with their true feelings.

The two cardinal sins that almost always lead to rejection are trying to take the lead too soon and being out of synch with the frame of reference. But this is exactly what unpopular children tend to do: they push their way into a group, trying to change the subject too abruptly or too soon, or offering their own opinions, or simply disagreeing with the others right away—all apparent attempts to draw attention to themselves. Paradoxically, this results in their being ignored or rejected. By contrast, popular children spend time observing the group to understand what’s going on before entering in, and then do something that shows they accept it; they wait to have their status in the group confirmed before taking initiative in suggesting what the group should do.

Rather, it is how a couple discusses such sore points that matters

Contempt’s facial signature is a contraction of the “dimpler,” the muscle that pulls the corners of the mouth to the side (usually the left) while the eyes roll upward.

taking initiative—being self-motivated enough to take on responsibilities above and beyond their stated job—and self-management in the sense of regulating their time and work commitments well. All such skills, of course, are aspects of emotional intelligence.

being prone to anger was a stronger predictor of dying young than were other risk factors such as smoking, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol.

The Yale researchers point out that it may not be anger alone that heightens the risk of death from heart disease, but rather intense negative emotionality of any kind that regularly sends surges of stress hormones through the body.

These findings do not mean that people should try to suppress anger when it is appropriate. Indeed, there is evidence that trying to completely suppress such feelings in the heat of the moment actually results in magnifying the body’s agitation and may raise blood pressure.

Indeed, smoking increases mortality risk by a factor of just 1.6, while social isolation does so by a factor of 2.0, making it a greater health risk.38

Having people to turn to and talk with, people who could offer solace, help, and suggestions, protected them from the deadly impact of life’s rigors and trauma.

The operative word is uncontrollable. If people feel there is something they can do in a catastrophic situation, some control they can exert, no matter how minor, they fare far better emotionally than do those who feel utterly helpless.

related keystone of character is being able to motivate and guide oneself, whether in doing homework, finishing a job, or getting up in the morning.

have a central role in cultivating character by inculcating self-discipline and empathy, which in turn enable true commitment to civic and moral values.