Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

by Cory O'Brien

Cronus all jumping out from behind a rock like “HAHA, GOT YOUR DICK, DAD.” Which is something no son should ever have to say to his father.

the god of drinking so hard you wake up with TWO hangovers and then they FIGHT.

THE ULTIMATE EMO SYMPHONY. It is so incredibly drenched in secret pain that Zeus comes down and is like “Hey, man I cannot get these chicks in the mood with this Linkin Park shit you got goin’ on.

So the moral of the story is Unless you can play your instrument with your head ripped off and your arms and skin missing You Are Not a Real Musician.

they chuck his brains into the air and they become CLOUDS. Did you think clouds were beautiful fluffy collections of water vapor? WRONG, ASSHOLE. BRAAAAINS.

I mean, Asgard is pretty much HUGE. They had to build a six-mile-long feast hall just to accommodate Thor’s LEFT NUT.

And all the gods are like “Um . . . well . . .” Until Tyr is like “I’ll do it.” Because Tyr is a FUCKING BADASS

and Loki is like “Did somebody say STEALING?” and Odin is like “Yes, Loki, that was me who said that.” but Loki doesn’t hear him because he is already at Freyja’s place STEALING. So

And Thor is like “SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER. WAAAAHHHH.” and Freya is like “Shut the fuck up, man. We can solve this mystery. Loki, did you steal the hammer?” And Loki is like “Nope.” And Freyja is like “Well, I’m out of ideas.” and Loki is like “I know, right? But

Hey, is there a female version of wingman? Wingwoman sounds awkward. I’m coining a new phrase: Titcaptain. Tell your friends.

Urda, the old one Verdandi, the hot one and Skulda, the emo one

“OKAY, BUT FIRST ANSWER SOME RANDOM TRIVIA AND IF YOU ANSWER WRONG I GET TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD.” This may seem strange but actually this is just how they play trivial pursuit in Sweden.

Hehe, cock.

So I hope you can hear me in hell, every dude who ever lived in ancient Egypt because I am about to seriously bastardize your canon up in here.

Set is like “HEY, ISIS COME INTO THIS SPINNING MILL.” and Isis is like “SPINNING MILL, HOORAY.” And then Set is like “Oh, did I say spinning mill? I meant WRETCHED IMPRISONMENT FOREVER I AM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION JUST KIDDING, TOTALLY NOT SORRY.”

SCORPIONS ARE NOT THE ULTIMATE GUIDES, MY FRIENDS. THEY ARE FANTASTIC AT STINGING THE CRAP OUT YOU BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTION.

and now it is time to take that sacred and clandestine work of those brave souls and mock the shit out of it.

and then he calls these two other dudes Xmucane and Xpiacoc who have names that sound like prescription drugs designed to treat nasal congestion and erectile dysfunction respectively

So he makes people out of wood like a whole bunch of wooden robots, basically and they can speak and walk around and they don’t dissolve in water but they are TREMENDOUS assholes. One might even say they have a STICK up their asses. Get it? Get it? Aw, screw you guys.

So Hunahpú and Xbalanqué put on a fantastic show full of amazing feats. Maybe they even do an astonishing magic trick where they make their names easier to fucking type.

Then he gets real hammered to celebrate and he passes out on Saturday and doesn’t wake up until MONDAY. In fact he sleeps through Sunday SO HARD that NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DO WORK ON SUNDAY EVER AGAIN. That is a true power nap.

BUT ENOUGH SPIRITUALITY. BACK TO TITS AND BAD DECISIONS.

and Shiva is like “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” And Ganesh is like “No, dude. I’m a baby.” And Shiva is like “WELL THEN YOU CAN CALL ME THE GUY WHO JUST CHOPPED OFF YOUR HEAD JUST NOW. ZING.”

BUT YOU DID NOT BUY THIS BOOK TO HEAR ME WAX POETIC ABOUT RACCOON BALLS (or if you did then you have oddly specific taste in literature.)

BZZ WRONG. CHINA DOESN’T EXIST YET IN THIS STORY. THIS IS A CREATION MYTH TRY TO KEEP UP.

and also because in Sumerian “water” and “semen” are the SAME WORD which must have made for some WACKY MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

He’s like “DUDES: I can’t create anything ’cause I spent all my attribute points on being a dick

DID YOU KNOW: Disco balls are not actually in this story and I am just making that part up.

Man, I wish I had a box big enough to catch six blizzards. I’d open up a blizzard stand and no one would buy any BECAUSE BLIZZARDS ARE A THING THAT NOBODY WANTS.

punching cattle, like people do in Texas. (I think punching cattle is an expression meaning to herd cattle or something but I really prefer to imagine that Pecos Bill’s brother is just SOCKING COWS IN THE FOREHEAD ALL ACROSS THE PRAIRIE.)