Gargantua and Pantagruel

by François Rabelais

Most noble and illustrious drinkers, and you thrice precious pockified blades (for to you, and none else, do I dedicate my writings), Alcibiades, in that dialogue of Plato's, which is entitled The Banquet, whilst he was setting forth the praises of his schoolmaster Socrates (without all question the prince of philosophers), amongst other discourses to that purpose, said that he resembled the Silenes.

The first sentence in this ancient book. This is going to be a fun read.

Good friends, my Readers, who peruse this Book, Be not offended, whilst on it you look:

And to give you some hint concerning myself, who speaks unto you, I cannot think but I am come of the race of some rich king or prince in former times; for never yet saw you any man that had a greater desire to be a king, and to be rich, than I have, and that only that I may make good cheer, do nothing, nor care for anything, and plentifully enrich my friends, and all honest and learned men.

Wow! I completely relate. I have always felt exactly the same way about myself.

They talked of the bunghole of Saint Knowles,

I beseech you, never emberlucock or inpulregafize your spirits with these vain thoughts and idle conceits;

If so be, then, that black do signify grief, by good reason then should white import joy.

For you know well enough that all people, and all languages and nations, except the ancient Syracusans and certain Argives, who had cross and thwarting souls, when they mean outwardly to give evidence of their sorrow, go in black; and all mourning is done with black.

Not true. I live in Vietnam. Here, people wear white to funerals.