A Stab in the Dark (Matthew Scudder #4)

by Lawrence Block

I never thought at the time that I’d be living by myself for the next eight years. I thought a relationship with a woman might be different in some fundamental way. See, back then was consciousness-raising time. I decided the problem was men.” “And it wasn’t?” “Well, it may have been one of the problems. Women turned out to be another problem. For a while I decided I was one of those fortunate people who are capable of relationships with both sexes.” “Just for a while?” “Uh-huh. Because what I discovered next was that I may be capable of relationships with men and women, but what I mostly am is not very good at relationships.” “Well, I can relate to that.”

I shrugged. “How come you quit the cops? Was it this stuff?” “What stuff?” She waved a hand at the bottles. “You know. The booze.” “Oh, hell, no,” I said. “I wasn’t even that heavy a hitter at the time. I just reached a point where I didn’t feel like being a cop anymore.” “What did it? Disillusionment? A lack of faith in the criminal justice system? Disgust with corruption?” I shook my head. “I lost my illusions early in the game and I never had much faith in the criminal justice system. It’s a terrible system and the cops just do what they can. As far as corruption goes, I was never enough of an idealist to be bothered by it.”

Then she had withdrawn her hand and was on her feet. I thought for a moment that she meant for me to leave. Instead she said, “I’m going to call the liquor store while they’re still open. The nearest place is on Canal and they close early. Do you want to stick with Scotch or would you rather switch to bourbon? And what brand of bourbon?” “I should probably be going soon.” “Scotch or bourbon?” “I’ll stay with the Scotch.”

Is this the moment the dynamic changes?

Then I took a night course at Brooklyn College, an Adult Ed class, and the instructor told me I had talent. He didn’t have to tell me. I knew it. “I’ve had some recognition. I had a show at the Chuck Levitan Gallery a little over a year ago. You know the gallery? On Grand Street?” I didn’t. “Well, he gave me a one-man show. A one-woman show. A one-person show. Shit, you have to think before you talk nowadays, have you noticed?” “Uh-huh.”

“And my kids are in California and I never see them. He has full custody. The hell, I moved out, right? I’m some kind of unnatural woman in the first place, some dyke who deserts husband and kids, so of course he gets custody, right? I didn’t make an issue of it. Do you want to know something, Matthew?” “What?” “I didn’t want custody. I was done with day care. I had fucking had it with kids, my own included. What do you make of that?” “It sounds natural enough.”