Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection

by Edward T. Welch

Shame is the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did, something done to you, or something associated with you. You feel exposed and humiliated.

You are disgraced because you acted less than human, you were treated as if you were less than human, or you were associated with something less than human, and there are witnesses.

Some, like me, exist in two worlds. We were shamed by being rejected, made to feel at the core of our being unloved. In our effort to be loved we chose to act in ways that hurt someone and so we earned shame. Shame because of others and shame because of ourselves

No wonder he had a lingering sense that something was very wrong with him. That sense is called shame.

Shame is like dirt. No matter how it happened, you are a mess and something has to be done about it.

When you are dirty, there is no feel-as-if about it. Wishful thinking is ineffective. Psychiatric medications, drugs or alcohol, a change in perspective, and self-affirmation are equally ineffective. Shame demands something much more potent than these superficial treatments.

Listen for the love, hate the shame, and have no tolerance for resignation. That’s the plan.

You might be tempted to say “Enough already” after the first page or two because it can be painful to rehearse shameful experiences.

It doesn’t matter that divorce is commonplace and you are (probably) no longer shamed by neighbors or fellow church members. You can do a fine job heaping shame on yourself.

All it takes is a tradition of demeaning, critical words from the right person.

We might speak about forgiveness and no condemnation, yet shame is unmoved by such things.

In Scripture you will find shame (nakedness, dishonor, disgrace, defilement) about ten times more often than you find guilt.

The guilty person expects punishment and needs forgiveness.

The shamed person feels worthless, expects rejection, and needs cleansing, fellowship, love, and acceptance.

Guilt and shame intersect when a particular sin is regarded, by yourself or others, to be worse than most sins. For example, get caught with child pornography and you will experience both guilt and shame. Same-sex attraction finds itself here too.

Don’t forget that your sensors for guilt and shame are fallible. They can be silent when they should say something, and they can also sound false alarms. But, false alarm or not, when we hear them we must do something. They don’t turn off automatically.

Shame is life-dominating and stubborn. Once entrenched in your heart and mind, it is a squatter that refuses to leave.

With shame, you never laugh at it. It feels like unending embarrassment, but it is more than that. Embarrassment doesn’t afflict the core of the person’s soul, but shame becomes your identity.

Apparently, shame is contagious. The young boy spreads it to his new teammates.

You still feel the shameful moment as vividly as the day it happened. Sometimes it even feels worse.

When sex happens outside its intended boundaries, it brings shame on the victim. It should bring shame on the perpetrator.

Adopted children can feel different from children living with biological parents. Even when their adoptive parents love them well, they can hear the message inside their heads, “You were rejected. Somebody didn’t want you. You are not like everyone else.”

Even in our “enlightened” era, psychiatric hospitalization brings shame.

Racism tries to impose shame onto an entire group of people, and it is usually successful.

Sometimes shame attaches to you because of what you did or do.

If you do anything seen as scandalous by you or your community, expect to experience shame.

Victims of sexual violation often report perverted sexual imaginations, such as fantasies of bondage or prostitution. These are deeply shameful and seem sinful. If you have these fantasies you will certainly feel contaminated. However, these fantasies usually would not have existed without victimization. They are a tragic consequence of being linked to someone else’s sin and violence.

Anything connected with nudity and genital contact outside God-given boundaries will bring shame. Yes, the connection between shame and sex has already been mentioned, but it can’t be overemphasized.

If you have an overactive or scrupulous conscience, every wrongdoing or perceived wrongdoing will add to your heap of shame. Every sordid thought, however fleeting, causes you to retreat ever further from other people.

Shame will never surrender its power over you if you are tentative about it.

There is only one specific remedy that can bring change and transform. The purpose of this journey is to discover that remedy and let it wash you all over.

but being open about it, at least with someone who is a wise encourager, is part of the way out of shame.

Do not allow shame to intimidate you into silence.

A little of both?

Men tend to feel it but not identify it. If you are a man, see if you can locate that shamed little boy.

When you receive such reproach from the community, you can easily believe that God himself joins those many voices, though he certainly does not.

If you are wearing a scarlet A or any other scarlet letter, our aim is to get rid of it so that no one, including yourself, will be able to find any evidence that it ever existed.

Shame remains an essential feature of punishments around the world. If humans have an aversion to feeling shame, why not exploit this as a way to control unwanted behavior?

That is, the ones who humiliate have power over the humiliated.

Be on guard: assume that shame always accumulates lies.

Are you or people you love walking around with a scarlet A? What is that like?

outcast.

naked.

unclean.

Look for the paradoxical combination of self-loathing and arrogant judgment. Men are specialists at this.

Fears of being exposed: Among the socially or financially successful can lurk a persistent sense that they are only one misstep from being found out and humiliated.

Doubts that God could ever love you: Who could love something so gross?

“I can’t forgive myself”: You might be saying, “I believe God has forgiven me, but something is still wrong. I still feel dirty.”

They feel like frauds. They want advice on how to keep disgrace at bay. When famous actors speak openly, they reveal that they find peace only when they play roles other than themselves.

A passing comment about your cool car or nice body is not enough to rehabilitate scum, if that’s what you believe you are. Shame isn’t impressed by our possessions or accomplishments.

Unclean