What To Say When You Talk To Your Self

by Shad Helmstetter

After you examine the philosophies, the theories, and the practiced methods of influencing human behavior, you’ll find, as I did, that it gets down to the simplicity of one small but powerful fact: You will become what you think about most; your success or failure in anything, large or small, will depend on your programming––what you accept from others, and what you say when you talk to yourself.

We want to create success with “rules of success,” but that’s not how the brain works; that’s not how the brain is wired.

It is no longer a success theory; it is a simple, but powerful, fact. Neither luck nor desire has the slightest thing to do with it. It makes no difference whether we believe it or not. The brain simply believes what you tell it most. And what you tell it about you, it will create. It has no choice.

The human brain, that incredibly powerful personal biochemical computer that each of us has, is capable of doing for you anything reasonable that you’d like it to do. But you have to know how to treat it; you have to know how to wire it in the right way. If you do it right, and give it the right directions, it will do the right thing—it will work for you in the right way. But if you give your mental computer the wrong directions, it will act on those wrong directions; it will continue to respond to the negative programming that you and the rest of the world have been giving it. You have literally been wiring your brain in the wrong way, physically—without even being aware of it.

Leading behavioral researchers have told us that as much as seventy-seven percent of everything we think is negative, counterproductive, and works against us. At the same time, researchers have said that as much as seventy-five percent of all illnesses are self-induced. It’s no wonder. What if the researchers are correct? That means that as much as seventy-five percent or more of our programming is the wrong kind.

success, ultimately, is up to the individual. It isn’t the pen––it’s the writer; it isn’t the road––it’s the runner that counts.

Whatever you put into your mind, in one way or another, is what you will get back out, in one way or another.

Whatever “thoughts” you programmed into your brain, or have allowed others to program into you, are affecting, directing, or controlling everything about you. From the day we were born, we have received a staggering amount of programming, millions of messages in our lifetime. Some of the programming is obvious, but much of it we are never even aware of receiving.

The more we believe about something, the more we will accept other ideas that are similar. The more files we have in our mental filing cabinets, which tell us something about ourselves, the more we will attract and accept other thoughts and ideas which support and prove what is already stored in our files. The more you think about yourself in a certain way, the more you will think about yourself in that same certain way. The more you think about anything in a certain way, the more you will believe that that is how it really is. The mind works that way because the brain always tries to tie any new thing you think to something you already believe.

This has similarities to The Secret, what you speak into the universe will come back to you

You may recognize some of these examples. Sincere, loving, caring parents, teachers, and friends have told children: “You’re just no good at that;” “Your room is always a mess;” “Can’t you do anything right?” “You’re just like your father” (which always seems to be said when the child has done something wrong); “Why can’t you be more like your sister (or brother)?” “You’ll never be an artist (or athlete, etc.);” “You just don’t try;” “You never listen to me;” “I tell you to do something and you do just the opposite;” “You never study;” “Your grades are atrocious;” “You talk too much;” “You always hang around with the wrong kind of friends;” “You don’t even know where home is anymore;” “You’re lazy;” “You don’t care about anyone but yourself;” “You’re determined to cause problems;” “You just don’t think,” and so on. And some children, even while you are reading this, are being told the most assuredly destructive words, “You’ll never amount to anything.”

When I read this I thought immediately about how my father used to talk to my mom and how that must have made her feel. Now, unfortunately, I find myself talking to Alex like this. I need to stop talking negatively about his weight and hair loss.

When we talk to our friends, it sometimes seems easier to talk about problems than about exciting potential. Our daily conversation scripts often sound like they were written by the same editors who write the headlines for the latest viral bad news story. We live, in our poorly programmed unconscious minds, in the disquieting shadow-world of uncertainty––believing that we should be achieving, but not knowing why, after so much frustration and trying, we are not.

This reminds me of the Darren Hardy saying that we are the average sum of our 5 closes friends. If you hang around people who talk negative about their life and commiserate with them, it will infiltrate your mind and consciousness.

How you manage your self, what you do, how you act, each and every moment, every word you speak, motion you make, and action you take, or do not take, will determine how well anything in your life works for you. It does not take a wizard to tell us that when we do the right things, there is always a better chance that things will work better for us than when we do the wrong things.

Your feelings about anything you do will affect how you do it. It doesn’t have to be feelings of like or dislike, joy or fear; all of your feelings affect your actions. How you feel about your job, your mate, your family, your money, your health, your self, and your success, will determine how you behave in each of these areas. If your feelings are positive and productive, your actions will follow.

I would agree. Without a good attitude, a perspective which allows us to see the opportunities ahead and set our sights to reach them, we never will. But even more important is the fact that in order to possess the kinds of feelings which work for us, we’ve got to have the right attitudes to start with.

What we believe about anything will determine our attitudes about it, create our feelings, direct our actions, and in each instance, help us to do well or poorly, succeed or fail. The belief that we have about anything is so powerful that it can even make something appear to be something different than what it really is. “Belief” does not require that something be the way we see it to be. It only requires us to believe that it is. Belief does not require something to be true. It only requires us to believe that it’s true. That’s powerful stuff! That means most of what reality is, to each of us, is based on what we have come to believe––whether it’s true or not.

It is our programming that sets up our beliefs, and the chain reaction begins. In logical progression, what we believe determines our attitudes, affects our feelings, directs our behavior, and determines our success or failure: 1. Programming creates beliefs. 2. Beliefs create attitudes. 3. Attitudes create feelings. 4. Feelings determine actions. 5. Actions create results.

self-talk is a way to override our past negative programming by erasing or replacing it with conscious, positive new directions. Self-talk is a practical way to live our lives by active intent rather than by passive acceptance.

It offers us the chance to stop being the old self and start to become a different, better self, a self which is no longer the product of conditioned response, but governed instead by personal choice.

This reminds me of the 7 Habits of High Effective People - See, Do, Say section.

Level 1 self-talk. This level is easy to spot. It is most always characterized by the words, “I can’t...” or “If only I could...” or “I wish I could…” and so on. All Level 1 self-talk works against us. And unfortunately, it is the most frequently used self-talk of all.

I need to eliminate me level 1 self talk

Level 2 self-talk is characterized by words such as “I need to...” or “I ought to...” or “I should.” Why does that work against us? Because it recognizes a problem, but creates no solution.

Today, June 8, 2020 - this is where I am

Level 2 self-talk creates guilt, disappointment, and an acceptance of our own self-imagined inadequacies.

Level 3 self-talk is the first level of self-talk that works for you instead of against you. In this level, you recognize the need to change, but also you make the decision to do something about it—and you state the decision in the “present tense”—as though the change has already taken place.

Example - I no longer or I never smoke

Level 4 is the kind of self-talk that is needed most. It is at this level that you are painting a completed new picture of yourself, the way you really wanted to be, handing it to your subconscious, and saying, “This is the ‘me’ I want you to create.

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Level 4 self-talk is characterized by the words, “I am...”

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The researchers discovered that people who typically think positively, actually grow more neurons in the left prefrontal cortex of their brain. That area of the brain is, in part, responsible for our ability to seek alternative solutions to problems, deal with challenges, and maintain an even balance.

We take our first breath by ourselves. And we take our last breath alone. How, then, is it that somewhere in between, in that time we call life, we expect someone else to do our breathing for us? No one will ever breathe one breath for us. No one will ever think one thought that is ours. No one will ever stand in our bodies, experience what happens to us, feel our fears, dream our dreams, or cry our tears. We are born, live, and leave this life entirely on our own. That “self,” and the divine spirit which drives it, are what we have. No one else can ever live a single moment of our lives for us. That we must do for ourselves. That is responsibility.

Telling a friend that you don’t like your job cannot possibly help your job. You may make yourself feel better by getting it off your chest, and in most forms of therapy, that technique is used with some success. But how much better it would be if you were to change your attitude by changing the programming you were giving yourself, especially in those circumstances when the job (or any situation) isn’t going to change just by complaining about it.

This early form of self-talk was written out on index cards––one self-talk statement per card. Eventually, the persistent self-talk user would develop a card deck of self-talk phrases covering a variety of situations. Anytime a specific goal or problem came up, self-talk phrases from the card deck could be pulled out and used each day––again with repetition––until the goal was accomplished or the problem was under control.

Maybe this would be good to do with Anki , plus would give me a way to start trying it

The best way to monitor your self-talk is to practice mindfulness. As we’re using it here, mindfulness is “being aware of being aware.”

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When you start monitoring your self-talk, you’ll be listening carefully, so you’ll start to notice things you’ve been saying to yourself that could be working against you. When you’re aware of the self-talk you’re using now, you’ll know what you want to change.

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When you hear yourself using the wrong kind of self-talk, either thinking or saying the wrong thing, immediately edit the message. Change it. In that moment, turn it around and rephrase it in the positive.

If you ever find yourself falling into the habit of finding fault with, complaining about, criticizing, or resenting your job, step aside and talk to yourself. There are others who have it far worse; some of them would love to have the opportunity which you now have. Your job, or your occupation, does a lot more than pay the bills. It gives you the opportunity to excel, to expect the best of yourself and to put that expectation into practice. Your success will always depend on what you think, what you tell yourself most. Expect the best, and then tell yourself the best. If you do, there is a good chance that is what you will get.

I need to remember everyday that others would love to have my job or be in my position.

the mistake of tackling the problem from the wrong end. We try to figure out how we can earn more money before we believe we are capable of doing it. Talk to yourself about your self-worth. When you start to create a new picture of yourself being worth more, your subconscious mind will help you find a way to go about earning it. I don’t want to oversimplify the task of making a significant increase in your financial net worth, but I have learned that doing so is far more dependent upon attitude, belief, and determination than on the position you are presently in today.

Think of any job, career, position, task, or opportunity that comes to your mind. In any circumstance we might encounter, which of us has the better chance of succeeding? Those of us who have given ourselves the extra benefit of self-assurance and determination overriding our fears and charging past our obstacles or those of us who resist our potential, hang on to our old programming, and live with uncertainty, doubt, and disbelief?

All positive self-talk (with the exception of situational self-talk, which we will discuss later) is written, read, recorded, listened to, thought, and spoken in the present tense. It is always stated as though the desired change has already taken place. By doing this, you are giving your subconscious mind a completed picture of the accomplished task; you are presenting your control center with the command which says, “This is what I choose. This is the ‘me’ I want you to create for me.” The more finished or complete the picture, the more specific the directions you are giving your subconscious mind will be.

Something I just realized. Joel Osteen uses a lot of self talk in his messages, and this is also something that Tony Robins uses in his morning affirmations. - I am coming through something, I am rich, I am blessed.

Programming creates beliefs, beliefs create attitudes, attitudes create feelings, feelings determine actions, and actions create results.

Following the steps of Monitor, Edit, and Listen that we discussed in Chapter Fifteen, for the next several days, pay attention to every word of self-talk that you say to yourself. Bad, good, or otherwise, listen to every word you say out loud or silently to yourself or about yourself. Consciously listen to every thought you think to yourself.

When this comes up, think about how you have been talking to yourself the last few days and remember to monitor, edit, and listen

It’s called PGS, or personal growth stasis. Stasis, in personal growth, happens when you stay in one place, and live between two opposing positions. In this case, the two opposing positions are 1) Where you’ve been up to now, and 2) Your unlimited future and where you’d like your life to go next. It’s like you’re standing in the middle between your past and your future, not wanting to stay where you are, but not able to put yourself into action and launch forward with enough enthusiasm and belief to get you moving.

when you want to overcome stasis, it’s all about awareness and focus. The more you’re aware of your self-talk and your goal to change it each day, the more you focus on doing that thing, the more neural activity you’ll create, and the faster and stronger you’ll begin to wire the new directions into your brain.