The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism

by Olivia Fox Cabane

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Human beings are by nature driven to compare.

The very act of comparing and evaluating hinders our ability to be fully present.

Psychological negativity can have real physical consequences.

Self-doubt, simply put, is lack of confidence in our own ability to achieve something: we doubt our capacity to do it or our capacity to learn how to do it.

impostor syndrome, competent people feel they don’t really know what they’re doing and are just waiting for someone to expose them as a fraud.

with greater responsibility comes greater internal doubt as the cost of failure gets higher and higher.

Feelings like fear or anxiety are designed to get you to do something. They’re uncomfortable because they’re “designed” to be uncomfortable.

Any internal discomfort—either physical or mental—can impair how you feel, how you perform, and how others perceive you. Physical tension caused by something as simple as the sun in your eyes produces the same changes in body language as a more serious discomfort, like anxiety or irritation. Prevention is optimal: plan ahead to ensure comfort in clothing, location, and timing. Aim to stay aware of any physical sensation of discomfort. If physical discomfort arises during an interaction, act promptly to alleviate or explain it. Use techniques such as the responsibility transfer to reduce the feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, and dissatisfaction that play out in your body language and inhibit your charisma. Understand that mental negativity such as anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-criticism, or self-doubt is normal and something that everyone experiences.

destigmatize discomfort, neutralize negativity, and rewrite reality.

Destigmatizing an experience means reducing its power simply by understanding that it’s normal, common, and nothing to be anxious about or ashamed of. Feeling internal discomfort and negativity is a natural part of life. Everyone experiences it.

Often, it’s not what we feel that is the most painful—it’s our shame about feeling this way that really does the damage.

Think of others who’ve gone through this before, especially people you admire.

See it as one burden shared by many. You are part of a community of human beings experiencing this one feeling at this very moment.

Step Two: Neutralize Negativity

Once you’ve destigmatized the experience, the next step in handling internal negativity is to neutralize negative thoughts.

The best way to do this is to realize that your thoughts aren’t necess...

sometimes I still feel instinctively dismayed.

One of the main reasons we’re so affected by our negative thoughts is that we think our mind has an accurate grasp on reality, and that its conclusions are generally valid.

When your brain spins negative scenarios, remind yourself that you may not be getting an accurate perception of reality. Your brain might be following its negativity bias, playing up some elements more than others, or omitting some positives entirely.

Don’t assume your thoughts are accurate. Just because your mind comes up with something doesn’t necessarily mean it has any validity. Assume you’re missing a lot of elements, many of which could be positive.

See your thoughts as graffiti on a wall or as little electrical impulses flickering around your brain.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

To be charismatic, you must first learn to overcome the primary obstacle to charisma: internal discomfort. Skillfully handle internal discomfort with a three-step process: destigmatize your discomfort, neutralize your negative thoughts, and rewrite your perception of reality. Destigmatize and dedramatize uncomfortable feelings by remembering that they are survival instincts and a natural part of the human experience. Think of others who’ve gone through this before—especially people you admire—and see yourself as part of a community of human beings experiencing the same feeling at the same moment. Neutralize unhelpful negative thoughts by remembering that the mind often distorts reality and filters your environment to highlight the negative. Think of your negative thoughts as graffiti on a wall—you may find it an ugly sight, but just because you see an ugly sight doesn’t mean you’re an ugly person. Rewrite reality by considering a few helpful alternatives to your current perspective. For maximum effect, write down your new realities by hand and describe them in vivid detail. For advanced practice, delve into the physical sensations of discomfort. Focusing on the sensations gives your mind something concrete to focus on, drawing your attention away from your feeling that the experience is unbearable.

You’re now ready to create the right mental states that will help you reach your full charisma potential.

The brain is extraordinarily changeable: it’s constantly rewiring itself.

Close your eyes and relax. ♦ Remember a past experience when you felt absolutely triumphant—for example, the day you won a contest or an award. ♦ Hear the sounds in the room: the murmurs of approval, the swell of applause.

See people’s smiles and expressions of warmth and admiration. ♦ Feel your feet on the ground and the congratulatory handshakes. ♦ Above all, experience your feelings, the warm glow of confidence rising within you.

Step One: Gratitude and Appreciation

What’s the opposite of gratitude? Resentment, neediness, and desperation—none of which is very charismatic. We all know that few things will ruin someone’s chances more than giving off an impression of desperation, whether they’re on a job interview or on a date.