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January 5, 2019 - May 2, 2020
When you meet a charismatic person, you get the impression that they have a lot of power and they like you a lot.
Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences. Reduce how quickly and how often you nod. Pause for two full seconds before you speak.
CHARISMATIC BEHAVIOR CAN be broken down into three core elements: presence, power, and warmth.
When we’re not fully present in an interaction, people will see it. Our body language sends a clear message that other people read and react to, at least on a subconscious level.
Being present means simply having a moment-to-moment awareness of what’s happening. It means paying attention to what’s going on rather than being caught up in your own thoughts.
The very next time you’re in a conversation, try to regularly check whether your mind is fully engaged or whether it is wandering elsewhere (including preparing your next sentence). Aim to bring yourself back to the present moment as often as you can by focusing on your breath or your toes for just a second, and then get back to focusing on the other person.
Warmth, simply put, is goodwill toward others. Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor. Being seen as warm means being perceived as any of the following: benevolent, altruistic, caring, or willing to impact our world in a positive way. Warmth is assessed almost entirely through body language and behavior; it’s evaluated more directly than power.
Skillfully handling any difficult experience is a three-step process: destigmatize discomfort, neutralize negativity, and rewrite reality.
Destigmatizing an experience means reducing its power simply by understanding that it’s normal, common, and nothing to be anxious about or ashamed of.
To destigmatize, remind yourself that this internal discomfort, whatever it might be, is a normal part of the human experience and a by-product of one of our brain’s survival mechanisms.
being hungry and being ostracized activate similar neural responses.
When your brain spins negative scenarios, remind yourself that you may not be getting an accurate perception of reality. Your brain might be following its negativity bias, playing up some elements more than others, or omitting some positives entirely.
If you’re walking down the street and you see graffiti, you may find it an ugly sight, but just because you see an ugly sight doesn’t mean you’re an ugly person.
Imagine strolling along the paths of your mind. Suddenly, you notice an unpleasant thought. See it as graffiti on the wall. That’s all it is, graffiti—not a verdict on what kind of person you are.
As Churchill said, failure is seldom fatal, and just realizing that even the worst-case scenario is survivable can bolster your confidence. Although for some people this can backfire—imagining the worst-case scenario increases their anxiety—it’s worth a try to see whether it works for you.
Though this suggestion may sound outlandish at first, choosing to rewrite your perception of reality is actually the rational and smart thing to do. It can help you get back into the right mental state to emanate charismatic body language and can improve your performance, too.
“Rather than letting the writing process fill the entire year, try to write the entire book in one month. At the end of a month, what you have will certainly not be a finished book, but it’ll be more than you would have without this self-imposed deadline.”
resentment is a very uncharismatic mental state that causes high negativity both in your mind and in your body language.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
Putting It into Practice: Getting Satisfaction
Imagine yourself as a scientist investigating this experience. Name the sensations you feel. Observe them as objectively as you can. See them purely as physical sensations, like hot and cold.
Give yourself continuous encouragement. Throughout the exercise, remind yourself that you’re doing courageous, advanced work and that your efforts will yield rewards. Remind yourself that this discomfort will pass, as did all other emotions you’ve ever had before it. Though it may feel unbearable in this moment, it will subside.
One CEO told me that “the most effective thing you can do for your career is to get comfortable being uncomfortable.” Think of the plethora of discomforts that come with leadership, from having to fire employees to taking the heat for a team failure, or simply enduring painful meetings.
Putting It into Practice: Stretching Your Comfort Zone
And remind yourself that, like every other experience, this one, too, will pass. However uncomfortable it feels, it will fade as completely as all the previous experiences you’ve ever had.
Destigmatize and dedramatize uncomfortable feelings by remembering that they are survival instincts and a natural part of the human experience. Think of others who’ve gone through this before—especially people you admire—and see yourself as part of a community of human beings experiencing the same feeling at the same moment. Neutralize unhelpful negative thoughts by remembering that the mind often distorts reality and filters your environment to highlight the negative. Think of your negative thoughts as graffiti on a wall—you may find it an ugly sight, but just because you see an ugly sight
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“There is good evidence that imagining oneself performing an activity activates parts of the brain that are used in actually performing the activity,”
Putting It into Practice: Visualization
So the next time you’re feeling anxious, you might want to imagine being wrapped up in a great big hug from someone you care about.
Visualization is indeed a powerful tool. Of all the charisma-boosting techniques, this is the one I recommend making a permanent part of your toolkit.
We all know that few things will ruin someone’s chances more than giving off an impression of desperation, whether they’re on a job interview or on a date.
Human beings are instinctively wired for hedonic adaptation: the tendency to take our blessings for granted.
Putting It into Practice: Gratitude
Goodwill means that you wish someone well without necessarily knowing how they’re feeling. Empathy means that you understand what they feel; perhaps you’ve had a similar experience in the past. Compassion is empathy plus goodwill: you understand how they feel, and you wish them well.
self-compassion is feeling that what happened to you is unfortunate, whereas self-pity is feeling that what happened to you is unfair.
First, realizing that we’re experiencing difficulties. Second, responding with kindness and understanding toward ourselves when we are suffering or feel inadequate, rather than being harshly self-critical. Third, realizing that whatever we’re going through is commonly experienced by all human beings, and remembering that everyone goes through difficult times.
Christopher Germer, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion,
Putting It into Practice: Metta
Putting It into Practice: Using Your Body to Change Your Mind
Putting It into Practice: Warming Up
To project power and confidence in your body language, you’ll need to learn how to “take up space” with your posture, reduce nonverbal reassurances (such as excessive nodding), and avoid fidgeting. You may need to speak less, to speak more slowly, to know how and when to pause your sentences, or how to modulate your intonation.
Before shaking someone’s hand, whether you are a man or a woman, rise if you’re seated. And keep your hands out of your pockets: visible hands make you look more open and honest.
Continue with an open-ended question, such as “What’s the story behind it?” The word story has a very strong emotional effect on most people—it sends them straight into storytelling mode, which instantly changes the rapport between the two of you.
To keep people talking, simply ask open-ended questions, such as “What brought you here tonight?” or “How are you connected to this event?” Closed questions, by contrast, can be answered by yes or no, and once answered, they land you right back where you started,
The more you let them speak, the more they will like you.
As Dale Carnegie said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming truly interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” 5 One great trick is to imagine that the person you’re speaking with is the main star in a movie you’re watching right now. This will help you find them more interesting, and there’s even a chance that you’ll make them feel like a movie star, too.
Don’t try to impress people. Let them impress you, and they will love you for it.
When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.”
Putting It into Practice: Vocal Power
with the right body language you can succeed even with an imperfect message.
