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“I liked you much better when you were asleep,” I say sweetly. “Good to hear you liked me at all.”
“I wanted her to be formidable. Recklessly bold. Powerful despite ability.” I stare at him, taking in each word. “I am none of those things,” I whisper. He drops my hand to brush gentle fingers beneath my chin, raising my face up toward his. “You are much more than those things.” “You overestimate me.” “No. I just see you.”
And yet, my fingers find his hair. My body presses against his. My heart beats to be broken.
“Then we’ll dance until you’re dreaming of him.”
Her head is crushing my arm. And I fear I’d never move again if it meant she stayed beside me.
Terrifying to know every terrible thing she’s done and still want all of her in spite of it.
“You know,” I say, raising my voice. “I pee too. I don’t understand why I have to plug my ears and shout every time.”
“And what if he loves her more?” The words tumble from my mouth, conjured from my deepest fears. I’ve barely allowed myself to think it, let alone speak of it.
“The truth, always,” I murmur. A long pause. “Sometimes I’m envious that you were the one to kill my father.”
Because before I hated him for everything he did to me, I hated him because he hated Ava.
“And the worst part,” he murmurs, “is that I’m supposed to hate you for it. But you are much harder to hate than he was.”
I’ve lost track of the time, content to hold her until my entire body goes numb.
“Because the next time I lay a hand on you, I only ever want it to be in a caress,”
I was made for the king, not for her. I could never be worthy of her.
“I think I would fall on my sword if it meant you mourned me,” he breathes. “And it’s terrifying to think you hold that much power over me.”
“Tell me you hate me, and I’ll still count every heartbeat, every freckle, every shiver of your body, if only you say it with a smile.” He backs away, freeing my face from his hands. “I may be a monster, but if you cut me, I’ll bleed. And if you break my heart, Pae, you’ll break me. So, if even a sliver of your soul longs for mine, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to deserve it.”
“Darling”—he smiles—“I have never had to pretend to want you.”
“Oh, but you are my undoing. My deliverance. My downfall disguised as a deity.” Another slow step. “You are my ruin.” I’m dazed, unable to do anything but let a smile tug at my lips. “Call us even. Call me crazy. I don’t care. Just…” His eyes are pleading, brimming with emotion. “Just call me yours.”
He is my anchor, and I am willing to sink, so long as it is with him.
Or maybe he will be the last thing I see. The one to drive a sword through my heart.
But this is pretend—the only time I’ve ever pretended with her.
Because before I loved her, I longed for her. She was a want I wasn’t worthy of. And I’m afraid I’ll never get the chance to deserve her.
Kitt without his compassion is a man I don’t recognize.
To think I won’t have enough time to love her. My heart aches because every beat belongs to her. And I may never get to tell her that.
This is not how I will remember us. Not as enemies or traitors or monsters, but as two people dancing in the dark, swaying beneath the stars. Her feet atop mine, her head on the heart that beats only for her. Just Pae and Kai.
She was supposed to be my forever. Now I’ll watch her become someone else’s. Because the beast doesn’t get the beauty.
