Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone

by Bo Burnham

And my dessert won’t be dessert. That word is tough to chew. I’ll have a word that’s sweet and curt, like pony, nip, or blue.

How, may I ask, did you get so you, you beautiful true-to-you doer? I’ve met many today but can honestly say that I’ve never met anyone you-er.

But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart. They can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science, music, or art. They can put you together or pull you apart. But don’t trust these sluts! Don’t! Don’t you dare! They’ll force you to trust them and love them and care.

Searching I’m not looking in every nook and cranny for it. I’ll do the nooks. No way I left my keys in some fucking cranny.

Buy two of one thing and get one thing twice! Earn customer points when you shop at our store! Redeem customer points to shop here some more!

Who needs those same old, same old fakes? Today, that same old, lame mold breaks.

I need to make this hour last, so attach a beach to the top of my hourglass.

Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, hollow be thy promises and shallow be thy shame.

I catch stupid bugs in jars but you’re not bugs you’re baby stars!

I love you just the way you are but you don’t see you like I do. You shouldn’t try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I keep hoping that someone will come home and cut me down but then I keep remembering that if I knew someone like that I wouldn’t be up here.

Hello, my old friend! You silly old clown! How’s that mountain of life you’ve been tumbling down? How’s that little line segment with infinite points? Has the red rust of time been kind to your joints?

Little Ashley hung magazine spreads on her wall, after picking the magazines out in the mall. Models and actresses, singers and more, with cleavage and makeup and glamour galore! All of her heroes were finally nearer. Her whole room looked perfect—except for the mirror.