The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

by Nathaniel Branden

Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves.

1. confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life; and 2. confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.

When we doubt our minds, we tend to discount its products. If we fear intellectual self-assertiveness, perhaps associating it with loss of love, we mute our intelligence. We dread being visible; so we make ourselves invisible, then suffer because no one sees us.

Volition and Its Limits Free will does not mean omnipotence. Volition is a powerful force in our lives, but it is not the only force.

They are dysfunctional because they place obstacles in the path of the appropriate exercise of mind.

We must become what we wish to teach.

most human beings are sleepwalking through their own existence.

Enlightenment is identified with waking up.

We perceive consciousness as the highest manifestation of life.

“self-esteem.” Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.

Being receptive to new knowledge and willing to reexamine old assumptions. We are not operating at a high level of consciousness if we are absorbed totally by what we believe we already know and are uninterested in, or closed to, new information that might bear on our ideas and convictions. Such an attitude excludes the possibility of growth.

Only a commitment to lifelong learning can allow us to remain adaptive to our world.

Noticing whether the voice inside my head is truly my own or belongs to someone else

the numerous conflicts between us, the incompatibilities in some of our values, the ways in which at the core we were not each other’s “type.” Why, then, did I proceed? Because of our shared commitment to certain ideas and ideals. Because of sexual attraction. Because I desperately wanted to have a woman in my life. Because she was the first person from whom I did not feel alienated—and I lacked the confidence that another would come along. Because I naively imagined that marriage could solve all the problems between us. There were “reasons,” to be sure.

“I choose to value myself, to treat myself with respect, to stand up for my right to exist.”

The practice of self-acceptance is the second pillar of self-esteem.

I improve my condition?” “How can I move beyond

A person cannot think through the mind of another.

Often what people call “thinking” is merely recycling the opinions of others.

In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist for the satisfaction of our needs. We are not morally entitled to treat other human beings as means to our ends, just as we are not a means to theirs.

Never ask a person to act against his or her self-interest as he or she understands it.

“It isn’t what they think; it’s what you know.”

Self-assertiveness means the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters.

When we expand the boundaries of our ability to cope, we expand self-efficacy and self-respect. When we commit ourselves to new areas of learning, when we take on tasks that stretch us, we raise personal power. We thrust ourselves further into the universe. We assert our existence.

When we learn how to be in an intimate relationship without abandoning our sense of self, when we learn how to be kind without being self-sacrificing, when we learn how to cooperate with others without betraying our standards and convictions, we are practicing self-assertiveness.

My advice is, apply what you know about the importance of purpose—and action plans—to your personal life. And leave ‘hoping’ and ‘wishing’ for children.”

“The belief that life is incomplete without goal fulfillment is not so much a tragic existential fact of life as it is a Western myth, a cultural artifact.”

He did not notice that the more he lectured the more intimidated and uncertain his son became.

when it comes to matters of self-esteem, I have more to fear from my own judgment than from anyone else’s.

Once we see that living up to our standards appears to be leading us toward self-destruction, the time has come to question our standards rather than simply resigning ourselves to living without integrity.

One of the most positive aspects of the women’s movement, as I see it, is its insistence that women think for themselves about who they are, what is possible and appropriate to them, and what they want (not what someone else wants them to want).

Lies do not work.

If I persevere, and if my goals are realistic, I am competent to achieve them.

If my goals are rational, I deserve to succeed at what I attempt.

I accept the reality of my problems, but I am not defined by them. My problems are not my essence. My fear, pain, confusion, or mistakes are not my core.

we should discard the idea of human sacrifice as a moral ideal.

the quality of the relationship between the child and the important adults in his or her life.

If differences are accepted, self-esteem can grow.

As an aside, let me say that it is in romantic love, at its best, that psychological visibility tends to be most fully realized. Someone who loves us passionately is motivated to know and understand us to a greater depth than someone with whom our relationship is more casual. What does one often hear from people who are in love? “He (she) understands me as I have never felt understood before.”

Inappropriate praise can be as harmful to self-esteem as inappropriate criticism.

If we wish to nurture autonomy, always leave space for the child to make his or her own evaluations,

after we have described behavior. Leave the child free of the pressure of our judgments. Help create a context in which independent thinking can occur.

No good purpose is ever served by assaulting a child’s self-esteem.

No one was ever made “good” by being informed he or she was “bad.”

If we can rebuke without violating or demeaning a child’s dignity, if we can respect a child’s self-esteem even when we are angry, we have mastered one of the most challenging and important aspects of competent parenting.

Between Parent and Child, Between Parent and Teenager, and Teacher and Child.*

Liberated Parents, Liberated Children;

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk; and Siblings without Rivalry.

Parent Effectiveness...

I am convinced that fear of physical punishment is deadly for the growth of a child’s self-esteem.