The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

by Nathaniel Branden

This intention or concern shows up in such simple questions as: Do I know what I am feeling at any particular moment? Do I recognize the impulses from which my actions spring? Do I notice if my feelings and actions are congruent? Do I know what needs or desires I may be trying to satisfy? Do I know what I actually want in a particular encounter with another person (not what I think I “should” want)? Do I know what my life is about? Is the “program” I am living one I accepted uncritically from others, or is it genuinely of my own choosing? Do I know what I am doing when I particularly like myself and what I am doing when I don’t? These are the kind of questions that intelligent self-examination entails.

Do I know what I am doing when I particularly like myself and what I am doing when I don’t?

To know which actions are producing desired results and which aren’t, and to discover what patterns need to be challenged.

A concern to be aware of the values that move and guide me, as well as their roots, so that I am not ruled by values I have irrationally adopted or uncritically accepted from others.

Self-destruction is an act best performed in the dark.

We tend to be more conscious in some areas of our life than in others.

If you choose to be more conscious at work, what might you do differently? If you choose to be more conscious in your most important relationships, what might you do differently? If you choose to pay more attention to how you deal with people—associates, employees, customers, spouse, children, or friends—what might you do differently? If you feel fear or reluctance to expand consciousness in any of these areas, what are the imagined negatives you are avoiding? If, without self-reproach, you bring more consciousness to your fears or reluctance, what might you notice? If you wanted to feel more powerful and effective in the areas where your consciousness has been less than it needs to be, what are you willing to do?

Exercises

Stated in the negative, self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself.

“I choose to value myself, to treat myself with respect, to stand up for my right to exist.”

If I am thinking these disturbing thoughts, I am thinking them; I accept the full reality of my experience. If I am feeling pain or anger or fear or inconvenient lust, I am feeling it—what is true, is true—I do not rationalize, deny, or attempt to explain away. I am feeling what I am feeling and I accept the reality of my experience. If I have taken actions of which I am later ashamed, the fact remains that I have taken them—that is reality—and I do not twist my brain to make facts disappear. I am willing to stand still in the presence of what I know to be true. What is, is.

To “accept” is more than simply to “acknowledge” or “admit.” It is to experience, stand in the presence of, contemplate the reality of, absorb into my consciousness. I need to open myself to and fully experience unwanted emotions, not just perfunctorily recognize them.

Self-acceptance is the precondition of change and growth. Thus, if I am confronted with a mistake I have made, in accepting that it is mine I am free to learn from it and to do better in the future. I cannot learn from a mistake I cannot accept having made.

I cannot forgive myself for an action I will not acknowledge having taken.

“Whatever my defects or imperfections, I accept myself unreservedly and completely.”

But remember: “Accepting” does not necessarily mean “liking.” “Accepting” does not mean we cannot imagine or wish for changes or improvements. It means experiencing, without denial or avoidance, that a fact is a fact.

Even though you may not like or enjoy everything you see when you look in the mirror, you are still able to say, “Right now, that’s me. And I don’t deny the fact. I accept it.” That is respect for reality.

The act of experiencing and accepting our emotions is implemented through (1) focusing on the feeling or emotion, (2) breathing gently and deeply, allowing muscles to relax, allowing the feeling to be felt, and (3) making real that this is my feeling (which we call owning it).

I tried to convince myself I did not care. In effect, I clung to alienation as a virtue.

Take a few minutes to contemplate some feeling or emotion of yours that is not easy for you to face—insecurity, pain, envy, rage, sorrow, humiliation, fear. When you isolate the feeling, see if you can bring it into clearer focus, perhaps by thinking of or imagining whatever typically evokes it. Then breathe into the feeling, which means focus on the feeling while imagining you are directing the flow of air to it and then from it. Imagine what it would feel like not to resist this feeling but to accept it fully. Explore that experience. Take your time. Practice saying to yourself, “I am now feeling such and such (whatever the feeling is) and I accept it fully.” At first, this may be difficult; you may find that you tense your body in protest. But persevere; concentrate on your breathing; think of giving your muscles permission to let go of their tension; remind yourself, “A fact is a fact; that which is, is; if the feeling exists, it exists.” Keep contemplating the feeling. Think of allowing the feeling to be there (rather than trying to wish or will it out of existence).

Exercise exploring feeling

I must be prepared to answer, in realistic terms: What am I willing to do to get what I want?

Am I fully present in my encounters with others? Am I present to what is being said? Do I think about the implications of my statements? Do I notice how others are affected by what I say and do?

I am responsible for the quality of my communications. I am responsible for being as clear as I know how to be; for checking to see if the listener has understood me; for speaking loudly and distinctly enough to be heard; for the respect or disrespect with which I convey my thoughts.

If there is a problem, men and women who are self-responsible ask, “What can I do about it? What avenues of action are possible to me?” If something goes wrong, they ask, “What did I overlook? Where did I miscalculate? How can I correct the situation?” They do not protest, “But no one told me what to do!” or “But it’s not my job!” They indulge neither in alibis nor in blaming. They are typically solution oriented.