The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

by Nathaniel Branden

Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves.

To trust one’s mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem.

Self-esteem is an intimate experience; it resides in the core of one’s being. It is what I think and feel about myself, not what someone else thinks or feels about me. This simple fact can hardly be overemphasized.

Never ask a person to act against his or her self-interest as he or she understands it.

No one is coming to save me; no one is coming to make life right for me; no one is coming to solve my problems. If I don’t do something, nothing is going to get better.

When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgment of what is appropriate, we lose face in our own eyes. We respect ourselves less. If the policy becomes habitual, we trust ourselves less or cease to trust ourselves at all.

Am I honest, reliable, and trustworthy? Do I keep my promises? Do I do the things I say I admire and do I avoid the things I say I deplore? Am I fair and just in my dealings with others?

Was your dignity as a human being acknowledged? When you expressed ideas or opinions, were they taken seriously? Were your likes and dislikes, whether or not they were acceded to, treated with respect?

Further, parents who accept certain teachings of religion are likely to convey the unfortunate notion that there are such things as “evil thoughts” or “evil emotions.”

Everyone who has any familiarity with psychology knows about the danger of disowning the murderer within. Far fewer people understand the tragedy of disowning the hero within.

If, in any culture, children are taught, “We are all equally unworthy in the sight of God”— If, in any culture, children are taught, “You are born in sin and are sinful by nature”— If children are given a message that amounts to “Don’t think, don’t question, believe”— If children are given a message that amounts to “Who are you to place your mind above that of the priest, the minister, the rabbi?”— If children are told, “If you have value it is not because of anything you have done or could ever do, it is only because God loves you”— If children are told, “Submission to what you cannot understand is the beginning of morality”— If children are instructed, “Do not be ‘willful,’ self-assertiveness is the sin of pride”— If children are instructed, “Never think that you belong to yourself”— If children are informed, “In any clash between your judgment and that of your religious authorities, it is your authorities you must believe”— If children are informed, “Self-sacrifice is the foremost virtue and noblest duty”— —then consider what will be the likely consequences for the practice of living consciously, or the practice of self-assertiveness, or any of the other pillars of healthy self-esteem.

The other dragon we may need to slay is the impulse to avoid discomfort. Living consciously may obligate us to confront our fears; it may bring us into contact with unresolved pain. Self-acceptance may require that we make real

If the process were entirely easy, if there was nothing hard about it at any point, if perseverance and courage were never needed—everyone would have good self-esteem. But a life without effort, struggle, or suffering is an infant’s dream.

Neither struggle nor pain has intrinsic value. When they can be avoided with no harmful consequences, they should be. A good psychotherapist works to make the process of growth no more difficult than it needs to be. When I examine my own development as a therapist over the past three decades, I see that one of my goals has been to make self-examination, self-confrontation, and the building of self-esteem as unstressful as possible.