The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

by Nathaniel Branden

Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves.

We have all heard the observation, “If you do not love yourself, you will be unable to love others.” Less well understood is the other half of the story. If I do not feel lovable, it is very difficult to believe that anyone else loves me. If I do not accept myself, how can I accept your love for me? Your warmth and devotion are confusing: it confounds my self-concept, since I “know” I am not lovable. Your feeling for me cannot possibly be real, reliable, or lasting. If I do not feel lovable, your love for me becomes an effort to fill a sieve, and eventually the effort is likely to exhaust you.

Everyone knows the famous Groucho Marx joke that he would never join a club that would have him for a member. That is exactly the idea by which some low-self-esteem people operate their love life. If you love me, obviously you are not good enough for me. Only someone who will reject me is an acceptable object of my devotion.

To have high self-esteem, then, is to feel confidently appropriate to life, that is, competent and worthy

Self-respect entails the expectation of friendship, love, and happiness as natural, as a result of who we are and what we do.

Relaxation implies that we are not hiding from ourselves and are not at war with who we are.

Stated in the negative, self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself.

I cannot learn from a mistake I cannot accept having made.

I cannot overcome a fear whose reality I deny.

One of the biggest lies we were ever told is that it is “easy” to be selfish and that self-sacrifice takes spiritual strength.

People sacrifice themselves in a thousand ways every day. This is their tragedy. To honor the self—to honor mind, judgment, values, and convictions—is the ultimate act of courage. Observe how rare it is. But it is what self-esteem asks of us.