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September 1 - September 8, 2024
“You can do this, Juliette,” I coach myself in front of my gilded mirror. “All you have to do is go over there, give him the plant, and introduce yourself. Then you can run back to your hobbit hole and overthink the entire interaction.”
I chug half of a water bottle and slam it on the countertop. My mind won’t quit replaying the moment I spotted them across the street. Before I assessed her discomfort, an unwelcome feeling arose to the surface of my mind. Jealousy. I think I would have looked away from them if I hadn’t felt that. It shocked me and held me in place as I watched him place his hand on her back.
I love both of the books very much, but I don’t think I can read about an attractive grumpy man right now.
“I’ll teach you,” I blurt out without thinking and his mouth quirks up in the right corner. “You’ll teach me how to be friends with you?” The humor in his voice lightens the mood. “Yes,” I say in a resolute tone and sit up straighter. “The first lesson is don’t butt into your friend’s dating life.” He snorts and I smile.
“You’ve read it?” He nods, so I continue. “Do you remember the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock? Gatsby focused so much on that green light, enchanting himself to think that it was her. And then when Daisy was finally in his presence, the light lost all its meaning.” I pause, tracing the rim of my cup. “I think people do that a lot. Fall in love with the idea of a life that isn’t theirs and then when they step into that life, suddenly it’s different than what they thought. Duller than they imagined.”
My spine stiffens. The way she says that makes me all the more certain that there was a time when she wasn’t safe. I’m honored to be considered someone who could be, but also certain that I’m unworthy of this designation. Can I handle this kind of commitment? I know this isn’t a romantic relationship, but we’re going deeper than acquaintances fast. It’s like jumping into a pool, but as soon as you hit the water you’re in an ocean instead.
“Well, if she’s getting you out of your fortress of solitude I guess I can’t complain.
I whip my head to the left and catch a half-smile that makes my heart skip. Goodness, he’s beautiful. Chiseled perfection, but with a softness in his eyes that makes my knees weak. Those very eyes meet mine as his laughter fades. The room shrinks and my mouth goes dry.
I match her pace, which is much slower than my usual, and we settle into a comfortable silence. The only sounds shared between us are our heavy breaths and footfalls. It’s … nice. I always thought running was best alone, but it’s not too bad sharing the time with someone else. It feels less lonely than usual.
“Running is like dying but without the relief of death.” Her words come out stilted in between short, panting breaths. “That’s a disturbing analogy.”
It’s all I can do to hold back the smile that threatens to take hold when she calls me that. I should hate it–if anyone else said it I would–but for some reason it brings me this warm feeling whenever I hear it. Having a nickname from Juliette is a solid, real thing that shows I have a place in her life. And while I’m afraid of what having a place might look like in the future, it still feels good to have one.
“Two white peach oolong lattes,” Poppy calls out before Adrian can reply. He turns and grabs both of the paper cups, handing me one. A hesitant smile stretches my lips.
My eyes flick down to his lips, then back up to his eyes. There’s a chance my senses are dulled from all of the stress, but I swear his eyes drop to my lips too. I’m pretty sure that’s the kiss me cue. Except, no kiss occurs.
I stare at my screen, contemplating blocking my twin.
She rattles off her phone number and for a reason I can’t–or maybe don’t want to–name, I enter her into my phone as Jules. I send her a text in response so she has my number. I think she’s the only woman I’m not related to in my contact list.
Dear Sunshine, Thank you for taking care of Murphy tonight, and for taking care of me last night too. It’s not easy for me to open up to others, but you’re helping me with that whether you’ve realized it or not. I’m happy you moved in next door. You’re way better than Darren (though I guess it’s not his fault he can’t have chocolate, but he could have told me in a nicer way). Anyway, you’re a good friend and I’m grateful to have met you. Happy Valentine’s Day, Juliette
“Both fair points, though what I still don’t understand is why you aren’t here growling at anyone who so much as glances in her general direction or better yet, reading to her by a fire or whatever your idea of romance is. I wouldn’t know, since you never date anyone.”
“Wow, you must really care about her.” I do, too much. “She’s my friend.” “I hear friendship makes a great foundation for marriage.”
I look out at the various attendees scattered about the ballroom. It’s mostly men here, which I thought was good at first because it gave me more options, but now I realize it’s just more opportunities to be creeped out. The whole place reeks of desperation and bad buffet food.
Juliette stayed on my couch last night. She got in from the event late and after two cups of chamomile tea and a relay of her night, she dozed off while I was telling her how Murphy chased a duck on our walk. I didn’t have it in me to move her, even though I should have. So, I went to bed and stared at the ceiling most of the night, unable to fall asleep knowing Juliette was in the other room.
“It’s going to be okay, Juliette,” I tell her and she musters a soft smile. “If anyone says anything you don’t like, I’ll hit them. Unless it’s a woman, then we’ll have a stern talk.”
A sweet, fluttery feeling takes hold of my stomach, like leaves in the wind. He told his niece about me.
“I care about what you think, Juliette. The list of people who get to have opinions on my life is admittedly short, but you’re on it.”
“I did. Not the best word choice, but you know what I mean. It’s clear you have feelings for her.” “She’s my friend, my feelings coincide with that label.” As long as I ignore the number of times a day I think about kissing her.
“Oh, you’re a morning person so you can see him. That makes more sense.”
Adrian jogs up his back steps, glancing over at my deck, where I’m supposed to be. My heart warms at the sight of him looking for me. I imagine a life of him kissing me good morning after his run, having tea together and watching the sunrise, and going and visiting his family. I’d talk about plants with MJ and laugh at his brothers’ antics. For once in my life I’d be a part of a family that loves and wants to be around each other. Maybe the reward is worth the risk.
I don’t know if I can ever face him again. The embarrassment of it all is going to haunt me forever. How can we be friends when I tried to kiss him? I risked our friendship and lost. It’s clear now I should have played it safe like I have my whole life. My heart is barely healed from childhood, I shouldn’t have opened up to more pain. At least when I was lonely I didn’t feel like this.
“Do you think that you won’t have to teach her things as well? Relationships are about growing and changing. Becoming better together. You both have things to learn, things to give.” He looks at Levi, then Maverick, then back at me. “Do you remember three years ago?”
Because living without Juliette just isn’t an option, it’s no more possible than surviving without the sun or oxygen. As terrifying as it is to admit, I need her. I just have to hope she needs–or at least wants–me too.
“Please don’t ever hold back or change yourself around me. You’re incredible, Jules. You’re like a sunflower, always growing toward the light. You make everyone around you want to be better, including me–especially me. I’m sorry your parents didn’t love you the way they should have. You deserve better. If someone isn’t giving you what you deserve–even me–you don’t have to settle for less, okay?”
“Now, what kind of husband would I be if I left you here?” A delicious tingle shoots through my body, making me forget my headache and injuries for a moment.
“I don’t have anyone.” I feel like someone else is speaking. I’ve never admitted my loneliness out loud, even to Caroline. My tendency is to make everyone think I’m doing great even when I’m not. “You have me.”
I smile down at her as affection swells in my heart. She’s so easy to adore. I could see myself falling in love with her. When her hands clench the fabric of my shirt, I realize I already am. It’s as if there’s been a pile of embers in my heart and she came along and stoked them back to life. I’m not worried about it going wrong though. No, as I gaze down at her figure cast in the shadows of midnight, I know that she’s worth the potential heartbreak. I’ll give her the heart straight out of my chest if it means I get to soak up the sweetness of her presence for even the shortest length of time.
I, however, am going to hold onto this for years to come. As I fall back asleep I do the grounding technique I taught Juliette for her anxiety, except instead of using it to calm down, I’m using it to catalog every detail of this period in time. I can hear the wind in the trees, Juliette’s soft snores, and Murphy’s loud ones down the hall. I feel the brush of her blonde hair over my skin and the way my heart is beating to a new rhythm just for her. I commit it all to memory, because I don’t want to miss a thing.
“How did you sleep?” he asks and my abdomen tightens at the raspy quality of his morning voice. “Terrible. You?” He chuckles. “The same.”
Dear Jules, I’m writing you this letter because I made a mistake. I should have kissed you on your porch. Actually, I should have kissed you long before that. I’m known to be a man of action and not of words, but since I failed you in the area of action, I’m hoping words will help aid me in winning back your affection. It’s not easy for me to trust others. In the past, I was betrayed by people I worked closely with in order for them to climb the ladder. After experiencing that, I thought it was better to live life on my own. But you came along and changed everything. The first time I saw you,
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I lean into Adrian’s arm as we walk toward Peaches and Cream. This is the first Saturday since we’ve started dating and I thought Adrian would suggest doing something different, but he said he wanted to keep my Saturday tradition of tea and an almond croissant.
“Yes, he did. This is the man you’ve chosen. If you get cold feet, I look just like him and I actually talk to my family.” Grayson winks.
“I think I’m okay,” Juliette laughs. “I prefer a brooding Mr. Darcy over the amiable Mr. Bingleys of the world.” She grabs my hand and gives me a sly grin. “Who and who?” Grayson’s brows furrow. “Characters from a Jane Austen novel, which you would know, if you ever sat still long enough to read,” I answer.
“Jules, you said you’d stay here all night for me, well I’m telling you I’d leave for you. Because I love you.”
For most of my life, I thought I had to earn love, but here in Adrian’s arms, I realize I was wrong. Love isn’t earned, it’s given freely. And no matter what the future might bring, knowing that brings me a sense of peace I’ve never known.
