The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times

by Pema Chödrön

we can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice.

A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid.

“Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?”

When we touch the center of sorrow, when we sit with discomfort without trying to fix it, when

we stay present to the pain of disapproval or betrayal and let it soften us, these are the times that we connect with bodhichitta.

It’s hard to know whether to laugh or to cry at the human predicament. Here we are with so much wisdom and tenderness, and—without even knowing it—we cover it over to protect ourselves from insecurity. Although we have the potential to experience the freedom of a butterfly, we mysteriously prefer the small and fearful cocoon of ego.

Openness doesn’t come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well.

The first of the three lords of materialism is called the lord of form. It represents how we look to externals to give us solid ground.

The point is that we can misuse any substance or activity to run away from insecurity. When we become addicted to the lord of form, we are creating the causes and conditions for suffering to escalate. We can’t get any lasting satisfaction

no matter how hard we try. Instead the very feelings we’re trying to escape from get stronger.

The second of the three lords of materialism is the lord of speech. This lord represents how we use beliefs of all kinds to give us the illusion of certainty about the nature of reality.

The problem isn’t with the beliefs themselves but with how we use them to get ground under our feet, how we use them to feel right and to make someone else wrong, how we use them to avoid feeling the uneasiness of not knowing what is going on.

The third lord, the lord of mind, uses the most subtle and seductive strategy of all. The lord of mind comes into play when we attempt to avoid uneasiness by seeking special states of mind.

Each of us has a variety of habitual tactics for avoiding life as it is. In a nutshell, that’s the message of the three lords of materialism. This simple teaching is, it seems, everyone’s autobiography. When we use these strategies we become less

able to enjoy the tenderness and wonder that is available in the most unremarkable of times. Connecting with bodhichitta is ordinary.

“We are always in transition.” Then he said, “If you can just relax with that, you’ll have no problem.”

Clear seeing. After we’ve been meditating for a while, it’s common to feel that we are regressing rather than waking up. “Until I started meditating, I was quite settled; now it feels like I’m always restless.” “I never used to feel anger; now it comes up all the time.” We might complain that meditation is ruining our life, but in fact such experiences are a sign that we’re starting to see more clearly. Through the process of practicing the technique day in and day out, year after year, we begin to be very honest with ourselves. Clear seeing is another way of saying that we have less self-deception.

We can love someone for his own sake, not because he is worthy or unworthy, not because he is loving toward us or he isn’t. This goes beyond relationships with people. Loving even a flower without lhenchak, we see it more clearly and feel more tenderness for its inherent perfection.