Unhinged

by Vera Valentine

In those fleeting moments, I could perceive her perfume, the warmth of her breath and body, sometimes even the side of her silky lips as her head shifted away.

guys nevermind idk if i can do this

See, a lot of things happened in that grove and there was this perfectly-positioned knothole on this really sexy tree and the mead was flowing freely-” he gestured in a rolling circle with his hand. “You get the point.”

this is NOT REALLLLLL when ur door is the son of zeus

“I have no name but yours, Tana. I am your faithful guardian and protector, nothing more, nothing less. I am your door, and I love you.”

this is so unserious

“My…door? I don’t understand. Is that like a metaph-” She frowned, brow knitting in confusion again. “Your door. To your apartment.” I smiled brightly, proud and happy to finally have a voice to tell Tana I’d been watching over her.

shivering blue stick.”

IM CACKLING HELLOOO

Despite my bravado, my voice trailed off miserably, ashamed I couldn’t be a more confident protector.

this is so rampantly misogynistic but its so funny

on my knob,

what a glorious pun this has gotta 100% be the reason the author decided the sentient ibject would be a door

Surprising me, she lurched forward and squeezed the trigger on the bottle, suddenly dousing my knob in a mist of cool, tingling liquid that made me groan inwardly with pleasure at the sensation. Wrapping my round brass protrusion in a soft cloth and a firm grip, she started polishing my knob with slow, smooth strokes that stirred something deep in my wood. Her features were soft and sensual as she concentrated on her work, her thumb slipping over my raised lock ridge through the thin barrier of the cloth, almost teasingly.

I CANNOT DO THIS BRO WHY AM I RRADING THIS IN PUBLIC

“It’s not that I think you’re gonna knock me up with little, uh, trapdoors, or something,

IM DEAD

If she didn’t cut it out, I was going to need a shower - a cold one.

how did he learn this so fast when he didnt even know what a penis was

Tana laughed, looking at me in disbelief. “Oh, and he’s the stalker? Sounds like you could give him a run for his money, Drys.” I blushed at my own intensity as much as the pleasure of hearing my new name on her lips. “Ok, ok, caught me. I’m worried about you, that’s all.

no one real has a convo like this. then again - he's a door

I chuckled, pulling her close and kissing her so thoroughly and openly there was no question he only had eyes for her. She stumbled back a step, fingertips ghosting over her lips, eyes wide. Oh, right. I’d forgotten they hadn’t done that before.

we were almost consistent with pronoun usage!

You were a very good door, I hope you know that.” Something about being called a good door made my human legs feel weak and shaky.

HE HAS A PRAISE KINK???? the concept of a door having a praise kink

Oh, and that. I like that.

bro this girl lucked out - her door turns into a hot man of ambiguous racial descent and hes also a SUB